I was going to write about Ferguson today but seeing how half the city is on fire and there is still some bad feelings left over I’m going to wait the required ten years. (Thanks Southpark)
Instead today I decided to do something a little light. Lets explore the lies we’ve been telling our children generation after generation. HO! HO! HO! Tis the season we discuss Santa Clause the one acceptable lie we tell our children while simultaneous enforcing the idea lying is bad.
But lets be real here not all lying is bad, ever had to lie to avoid a prior commitment with someone you don’t like very much? Of course you did we all do, its much better than saying “Hey man, I think you’re a fucking weirdo.”
That’s for much later when you and myself get to know each other much more intimately through candle light dinner with Ramen Noodles on the menu.
As a young child my parents never told me about santa clause not because they had better morals than most American parents, but for the fact they weren’t American parents at all. Immigrants to a new country they hadn’t learned all the customs of American culture, straight outta Ethiopia they were like a lamer version of N.W.A. I’m sure they didn’t have christmas over there and the best of days for them is when they government was killing peaceful protestors and torturing random students of the country.
This became problematic for me in public school as the teachers also participate in the continual lie for whatever nefarious purposes they had planned. Me? Be good for a year? Fuck off fat man.
I specifically remember me being in the first grade (where I subsequently got my first boner!)
and my teacher handing us a crossword puzzle of our first names, she had told us Santa had made the crossword puzzle for us to solve! Oh, how exciting! Little did she know at the time “Santa” misspelled my name from “Philmon” to “Philman”, so I rose my hand she called on me and out loud I said “If Santa Clause is real and he knows what I’ve been doing all year, he should know how to spell my name right.” Quickly, she shut me up with something idk. Maybe it was the threat of murder if I didn’t dispel the myth right there, but as if it mattered since I was immediately ostracize with my classmates after that statement.
I’m not saying I’m a gangster but I live the thug life values daily, amen to our lord and savior Bob Ross.
So of course the entire day I spent arguing with various classmates as they were trying to desperately convert me from a non believer to an idiot, kind of like the door to door mormons and Jehovah Witnesses.
I remember arguing with this girl name Tasha, I liked Tasha she seemed to always wear overalls and I assumed she lived in a Trailer Park even though this was the Suburbs of Arizona I always had the idea. You see I have a thing for trailer trash women with a slight addiction to meth, don’t know why maybe I wasn’t hugged enough as a child. I also have a thing for hateful Russian women so if any of these apply to you please message me.
Her argument was fool proof to her what she said was “If Santa Clause wasn’t real then why did he eat the cookies me & my mom made last year.”
Here’s the thing about Tasha, Tasha was dumb as shit. I can’t speak for her now… she may be a theoretical physicist today, but she couldn’t organize a gang bang in a whore house then.
She had a cousin named Rebecca who I hated with all my soul she was like the grossest individual I ever had the pleasure of meeting. I don’t know what was so bad about her but she always seemed like she was the type to pick at her ass all day and touch shit. She of course was there too and barking random syllables at me as well, I just remember feeling like I wanted to punch her in the throat.
As the years went on I kept trying to convince people the truth and they didn’t listened until slowly one by one they began to join my ranks of the non believers.
Now in 2014 I imagine its much harder to lie to children about the existence of Santa Clause with a simple google search which kids have proven they are capable of doing, they can effectively tell their parents to eat a dick then light up a crack pipe and fuck a hooker.
I believe now is the time we modify this lie make it more modern and build a website based on a fake santa clause. If we are going to continue with this “tradition” we might as well go all in rather than the half-assed attempts, lets make it super dark instead of coal for being bad Santa Clause sacrifices their loved ones. Have a video of various beheadings and superimpose santa clauses image on them and in the video description put you should of been a good child you fuck.
Lets change Santa clause up as well why does he have to be a jolly fat old white man? Lets make him into the demon!
As far as I’m concerned we can make this holiday entertaining and fun for all, except of course for the children who will be living in fear for most of their childhood. Fuck them they don’t hold jobs, Happy Thanksgiving random readers!