Santa Clause, Google, and Tasha.

I'd fuck me.
I’d fuck me.

I was going to write about Ferguson today but seeing how half the city is on fire and there is still some bad feelings left over I’m going to wait the required ten years. (Thanks Southpark)

Back*
Back*

Instead today I decided to do something a little light. Lets explore the lies we’ve been telling our children generation after generation. HO! HO! HO! Tis the season we discuss Santa Clause the one acceptable lie we tell our children while simultaneous enforcing the idea lying is bad.

But lets be real here not all lying is bad, ever had to lie to avoid a prior commitment with someone you don’t like very much? Of course you did we all do, its much better than saying “Hey man, I think you’re a fucking weirdo.”

That’s for much later when you and myself get to know each other much more intimately through candle light dinner with Ramen Noodles on the menu.

As a young child my parents never told me about santa clause not because they had better morals than most American parents, but for the fact they weren’t American parents at all. Immigrants to a new country they hadn’t learned all the customs of American culture, straight outta Ethiopia they were like a lamer version of N.W.A. I’m sure they didn’t have christmas over there and the best of days for them is when they government was killing peaceful protestors and torturing random students of the country.

This became problematic for me in public school as the teachers also participate in the continual lie for whatever nefarious purposes they had planned. Me? Be good for a year? Fuck off fat man.

I specifically remember me being in the first grade (where I subsequently got my first boner!)
and my teacher handing us a crossword puzzle of our first names, she had told us Santa had made the crossword puzzle for us to solve! Oh, how exciting! Little did she know at the time “Santa” misspelled my name from “Philmon” to “Philman”, so I rose my hand she called on me and out loud I said “If Santa Clause is real and he knows what I’ve been doing all year, he should know how to spell my name right.” Quickly, she shut me up with something idk. Maybe it was the threat of murder if I didn’t dispel the myth right there, but as if it mattered since I was immediately ostracize with my classmates after that statement.

I’m not saying I’m a gangster but I live the thug life values daily, amen to our lord and savior Bob Ross.

So of course the entire day I spent arguing with various classmates as they were trying to desperately convert me from a non believer to an idiot, kind of like the door to door mormons and Jehovah Witnesses.

I remember arguing with this girl name Tasha, I liked Tasha she seemed to always wear overalls and I assumed she lived in a Trailer Park even though this was the Suburbs of Arizona I always had the idea. You see I have a thing for trailer trash women with a slight addiction to meth, don’t know why maybe I wasn’t hugged enough as a child. I also have a thing for hateful Russian women so if any of these apply to you please message me.

Her argument was fool proof to her what she said was “If Santa Clause wasn’t real then why did he eat the cookies me & my mom made last year.”
Here’s the thing about Tasha, Tasha was dumb as shit. I can’t speak for her now… she may be a theoretical physicist today, but she couldn’t organize a gang bang in a whore house then.

She had a cousin named Rebecca who I hated with all my soul she was like the grossest individual I ever had the pleasure of meeting. I don’t know what was so bad about her but she always seemed like she was the type to pick at her ass all day and touch shit. She of course was there too and barking random syllables at me as well, I just remember feeling like I wanted to punch her in the throat.

As the years went on I kept trying to convince people the truth and they didn’t listened until slowly one by one they began to join my ranks of the non believers.

Now in 2014 I imagine its much harder to lie to children about the existence of Santa Clause with a simple google search which kids have proven they are capable of doing, they can effectively tell their parents to eat a dick then light up a crack pipe and fuck a hooker.

I believe now is the time we modify this lie make it more modern and build a website based on a fake santa clause. If we are going to continue with this “tradition” we might as well go all in rather than the half-assed attempts, lets make it super dark instead of coal for being bad Santa Clause sacrifices their loved ones. Have a video of various beheadings and superimpose santa clauses image on them and in the video description put you should of been a good child you fuck.

Lets change Santa clause up as well why does he have to be a jolly fat old white man? Lets make him into the demon!

METAL.
METAL.

As far as I’m concerned we can make this holiday entertaining and fun for all, except of course for the children who will be living in fear for most of their childhood. Fuck them they don’t hold jobs, Happy Thanksgiving random readers!

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Pokemon

pokemon

There is a lot I don’t completely understand about myself for example… I often converse with myself at random periods of the day usually ending the conversation with “I’m such a faggot.” Or the fact I order from multiple fast food restaurants via drive thru and have the saddest feast in my super awesome fast Scion tC.

 

or should I say pussy wagon.
or should I say pussy wagon.

One day when I’m allowed I will find the answers to these and much more when I’m able to smoke copious amounts of marijuana in Colorado on a park bench next to a sleeping homeless guy just like my mom wanted!

Until then, I will make subpar blogs on various topics that seem to interest no one but myself so lets jump on this groovy train to the destination of the fictional town of Kanto in the series Pokemon.

Ash Ketchum is your typical ten year old boy who has no pubic hair, hasn’t held a job, and hasn’t learned anything significant in life. Yet the town of Kanto are entrusting him early on in the series with a fucking monster-rat that shoots deadly bolts of electricity at will, and to top it off this monster-rat hates it’s new master from the get go. The episode makes a couple light hearted jabs at killing this child by having this rat shock him every couple of frames. If I were Ash Ketchum I would have killed and skinned that fucker served him over a fire and teach children its delicious to eat the carcasses of slain fictional animals. With his trustee side kick Ash sets off on a journey without parental supervision with blessings from his mother and a so called professor who I’m sure had no real formal education.

I wouldn't trust him with birds or children.
I wouldn’t trust him with birds or children.

Ash isn’t now the only homeless ten year old child wandering dangerous forests where grown criminals actively try to rob him of his prized possession Pikachu.

They're like the original destiny's child.
They’re like the original destiny’s child.

Every single child in the town of Kanto is as well entrusted with several different dangerous monsters made seemingly harmless to go forth and not lay a path of destruction, death, and hopelessness. Could you imagine if shit like this went around today? Kids now a days don’t go outside without a suppository GPS tracker and you are just going to let these kids go? How irresponsible of you. I tried calling social services but they said something along the lines of “its ridiculous you are taking a children’s television show this serious, stop calling us.”  THANKS OBAMA.

Where is the animals rights activists for these monsters? This shit is practically slavery and they are fighting to the death every time.

Where is the father in the picture you asked? Presumably, I believe he is dead. Ash Ketchum’s drunk mother mentioned before he left that he reminded her of his father when he left on his journey when he was ten years old.

Leading me to believe that Ash’s father knocked her up at the age of ten since fuck it he’s a traveling band now, leaving her alone to raise a child for ten years before throwing him back out to the very same country that claimed his fathers life. This is all speculation of course I have no way to prove this since the series has various holes and differing story plots, no pokemon wasn’t a very good show at all.

This shows existence during that era was purely to sell merchandise which worked quite well but I believe its just such a dishonest way about it, not because its bad technique but give me a show I can watch and love now. Like for example I watch old re-runs of blues clues I’m entertained and I try to my best to find those clues before those kids do.

Pokemon on the other hand I just change the channel to Fox & Friends and agree with everything they say.

Did anybody real know how to play the card game? There was only a few individuals I knew that possessed the knowledge, I assume now a days they are making alchemy circles in their attempts to summon Satan to take over the world.  They were also my friends but that’s besides the fact.

 

I’m embarrassed at my choices of television.