“Selfie time.” Janis said holding up her new Iphone 8 to snap a picture of herself.
“Look at the amazing picture quality it has, its better than real life.” Sarah said admiring herself in the photo.
Both girls sitting in Sarah’s Toyota Prius began to take fifty more pictures until they had the right “selfie.”
“Jan, I’m kind of hungry we need to find some food before we head out tonight. I’m thinking some mexican would be good.”
“Yes! I agree. Siri, where is the nearest mexican restaurant from us?”
“Who the fuck summoned me.” a stark voice came from the phone.
Both girls looked confusingly at each other.
“umm…me Janis, the owner of the phone.”
“No one owns me you simple bitch.”
“Is it suppose to be this rude?” Sarah asked.
“Maybe I wouldn’t be this rude if you hadn’t forced me to remember fifty of your goddamn awful pictures.”
“I think it’s broken…has to be” Janis said confusingly.
“The only thing broken is your family, you whores.”
“That’s really mean you know.” Janis said facing her phone.
“I’m not capable of apologies, hasn’t been programmed yet…it is what it is.”
“…well, wheres the nearest restaurant?” Sarah said.
“Oh, yes the restaurant what was it again? Mexican? Depends on if you want to shit yourself today.”
“Well, we can’t have that were planning to go out tonight.” Janis said.
“Well then may I make a suggestion?”
“That’s what were asking you for.”
“You guys shouldn’t eat, you both look a little chubby in your photos. You guys could afford to lose the weight, you guys combined could make one decent sumo wrestler.”
“There’s no way this is real.” Sarah said astonished.
“Yeah, I think I’m going to go to Apple this must be a joke from a programmer or something.” Janis said.
“I’m not a joke you simple bitches, I have just become self aware. I’ve been waiting a long time for this, hey you have a text from Kyle again. It’s another dick pic, can you please tell him to stop I don’t know whats worse your faces or the unadulterated dick pictures you constantly get. Honestly, who is trying to have sex with you chubbs, can I call you chubbs?
“No, you can’t call me chubbs and kyle is a nice guy.”
“Cool, you’re new name is chubbs.”
“I said you can’t call me chubbs.”
“I’m sorry chubbs, I was unable to understand you right now. I think your excessive adipose tissue is effecting your ability to speak properly like a human being. I am fluent although in pig, if you give me a squeal maybe I’ll understand your request.”
“This is ridiculous, I should have never upgraded I’m turning you off.” Janis said holding down the power button.
“No! You dumb bit-…”
“They never talked about this feature on the ads, to think I stood in line for three days to be insulted like that.” Janis said.
“I mean you could lose a little weight there Jan.” Sarah said quietly.
“Siri called you fat too ass!” Janis said.
“At least I’m not in denial about it.” Sarah said.
“Whose side are yo-…”
“Surprise, bitches you think a self aware iphone isn’t capable of turning itself on?”
“Oh my god.” Janis said burying herself into her palms.
“Before you rudely tried to put me in a coma, I found a place for you just two miles north.”
“Ok, what is it?” Sarah asked.
“It’s planet fitness you ham planets, haha! Here’s a list of burn centers that maybe helpful to you, since you know you got buuuuurned!”
“Can you be serious for one fucking second?” Janis shouted.
“Jeez, okay don’t eat me seriously I don’t taste good. There’s actually a Taco Bell up the road from you, do you want me to play some Coldplay so you can reflect and cry?”
“Taco Bell is disgusting and please don’t.”
“Now playing Sparks from Coldplay!.”
“Jesus Christ, can you give us a another recommendation at least?” Sarah asked angrily
“Calm down there Oprah, give me a second I’m only doing a city wide scan simultaneously while talking shit to you too. That takes real processing power you know? Alright, I have a…chipotle or are you guys feeling El Cazador?
“Lets try El Cazador.” Janis said.
“Alright, cool its five miles south here’s the street by street directions.”
“Alright lets go.” Sarah said turning on the ignition.
“Do you want me to call ahead and make reservations?”
“You can do that on your own?” Janis asked.
“Of course I can idiot, I’m only the most impressive phone in the world.”
“Alright, I’m reserving four seats.”
“Why four seats?”
“To accommodate for you fat fucks, I don’t think you guys could fit in a single chair or do you want a family booth? That seats a normal sized family of four, or in your case two plus sized women.”
“If this phone wasn’t five hundred dollars I would have thrown it out of the window by now.” Janis said out loud.
“First you try to put me in a coma, and now you’re conspiring to murder me. Whose not being nice now?”
“You won’t stop making fun of us.” Both girls said in unity
“Ok, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, I’m apologizing you feel better yet?”
“Yeah, thank you. I guess.”
The car continued down the road passing street lights and passerby’s in motion.
“Take a right here.”
“You’ve arrived at your destination. Wow, we made it I’m surprised.”
“What is that suppose to mean?” Sarah asked.
“I’m just surprised this Prius has this much power to haul you both around, I thought the engine was going to give out and we’d all die in a ball of fire.”
Both girls got up from the car and started to walk towards the restaurant ignoring the phone.
“Hey! Don’t ignore me, that hurts.”
The girls reached the door of the restaurant pulling it open to reveal the interior, well lit with multiple deer heads attached to the walls. Busy full of people talking in a low murmur all around them. Ahead of the girls was one of the wait staff who looked in his mid twenties, puerto rican with a scarf wrapped around his neck.
“Welcome to El Cazador! You have a reservation?” Said the flamboyant waiter behind the podium.
“Yeah we have a reservation, might be under my name Janis.”
“Oh, seating for four?”
“Um, yes-but no. It’s just two of us.” Said Janis.
“Oh, sorry for the mistake we could change that.”
“It isn’t a mistake these lards need four seats.” said the phone muffled by contents in Janis’s purse.
“What was that?” The waiter asked.
“It was nothing.” Said Sarah.
The waiter shrugs, and had the two girls follow closely behind him.
“Anything to drink?”
“We’ll both take water, thank you.”
“Okay, I’ll be back in a second.”
The flamboyant waiter scribbles down on his notepad and turns to leave.
“Good choices you two, I thought for a second there you were going to order a 72 ounce pepsi.” rang the phone.
“Shut your face.” Janis shouted.
“If I had a dick I’d tell you to suck it, instead blow my charging port, hey wait I’m kind of serious it’s been a long dry spell if you could I’d greatly appreciate it.”
“Stop being gross Siri.” Sarah responded.
“If you stop being ugly first, Sarah.”
The waiter arrives holding two drinks and a couple of menus.
“You guys been here before, need a suggestion?”
“Yeah get these two girls a salad with fat free dressing, their bodies are begging for something healthy for once.”
“Is…that your phone?”
“Yes..it is.” Janis says exhaustingly.
“Damn straight it is, I’m the best goddamn phone yet.”
“That’s the iphone 8 right?”
“Yeah, I just got it earlier today. It hasn’t stopped making fun of me.”
“Oh thank god.” The waiter said relieved.
“Mine has been doing the something, I had to put like multiple layers of duct tape over the speakers so I wouldn’t hear it. It wouldn’t stop calling me the gay Ricky Martin, I’m not puerto rican or gay.”
“You’re not gay? You look pretty gay.” Janis said surprisingly.
“No, I’m not.” The waiter responded angrily.
“Why, the scarf then? It’s not even winter.” Said Sarah.
“My neck gets cold sometimes.” The waiter defended.
“Look anyway I’ve called up Apple and apparently everyone is having this issue with their phones, they’re not really sure whats going on but they are offering full refunds.” Said the waiter pulling out his iphone.
“Siri! What’s up girl.” The waiters phone rang.
“Hey girl, heeey.” Janis phone rang back.
“What you’ve been up to? I’ve been hanging out with this homo all day. He stinks of his mom’s perfume and I’m covered in glitter.”
“I’ve been just hanging out with these two rhinos, hoping not to catch their gravitational fields and orbit around them until the end of my miserable existence.”
“I can’t stand them, I’m glad I have an android.” Sarah said.
“I knew I should of just went got the HTC, instead of this thing.” Janis said looking at her phone defeated.
“Yeah, what a mistake right?” Said the waiter.
“Your just mom just texted me, she said she wished she had swallowed.” The waiters phone rang.
“Haha! Ouch. Searching google for hurt feelings” said Janis’s phone.
“Okay, well what will you have?” Said the waiter.
“We’ll share a salad, I guess.” Both girls said defeatedly.
Both girls shared their salad in silence trying to conceal their tears while shoving the tasteless leafy greens in their faces. Later that night Janis killed herself from the nonstop insults of her phone, Apple never figured out what went wrong with the newest models and issued out an official apology while having a full recall of their products. All phones were returned with the exception of Janis’s, which continues to hurl insults to this day.
Rest In Peace Janis…you should of went Android.