Every time I watch some sort of paranormal television show that slowly drains what little IQ I have on me; I always wonder…man are ghosts always dicks?

I mean whether you believe in a spiritual life or not you can’t refute in the way most experiences are depicted chairs get thrown, plates get broken, and they expose faulty steps in a stairway.

They’re always some time of degenerate asshole. That costs money, can’t you draw like a dick or something on the mirror? Or randomly play smooth jazz in rooms. I want my entire experience in life like I’m stuck-in-a-elevator type music.

I feel like if I were to haunt the living I’d be kind and courteous like toast peoples bread in the morning. Make a pot of joe, sing christmas carols and shit.

Enough is enough, its time we do something about these pricks. I don’t know where to start but picketing sounds like a good plan.

Seemingly the same people that confess to experience those paranormal encounters with spirits are also the same people starting at the sky for UFOs.

Convinced that every commercial jet that passes by is another.

In reality I made this post because as I was falling asleep, you know on my back one hand down my pants, other propping my head up since I still haven’t manage to buy a pillow. I felt something vividly grab my arm pit, strong ass grip too; so yeah that made me wide awake falling from cloud nine. I was convinced someone else was in the room with me as I searched frantically around with a flashlight apparently forgetting the use of fluorescent lights that hang above me.

whatever though.


What spawned this blog site in the first place.

I post a lot of random, inconsistent, redundant blogs here a lot.

I realized at 01HR43MINs that I have no yet expelled the reasons behind the name hipsters on wheels. Well, the answer for this lies in a cave deep behind inscribed in ancient hebrew further encoded contents from the zodiac killer himself. Just kidding, I ride motorcycles or at least had.


That’s my bike! Black Mamba on the left, I love that bitch. I’ve been unkind although I didn’t take her overseas; wasn’t allowed to more or less. Even before that I waned down riding ever since I nearly offed myself running 100+ through a busy intersection.

Not on purpose though, I wasn’t attentive enough to decipher a green right arrow is not a green light.

The hipster part is just kind of a self-loathing insult to myself. I don’t think I fit the bill, which actually just validates me as a hipsters. I guess according to my age group hipsters don’t self identify like psychopaths. I accepted my faith, so now I guess that makes me… unhipster?

Check your flannel privileges you fucks.


I love riding though its a lively experience; the closest you can get on the connection between man and machine. Let alone that sports bikes are fast just being out and letting the wind hit your body unlike being stuck in the shell of a vehicle feels different. The first time I rode I practiced in a neighborhood just going twenty miles MPH and I felt like I was going fast then.
Screen Shot 2013-02-25 at 5.58.18 PM

The whole community of motorcycles is awesome. Everybody with a bike is automatically your friend, just like Tom from Myspace. Sometimes unwarranted, but hey you got a buddy to ride with.

Screen Shot 2013-02-24 at 4.36.43 PM

Then you’d get to a desolate area and just open up that throttle. It’s an experience everyone should have.


Still a great experience without people if you’re more of a solo rider like myself, midnight rides were my favorite to cruise to. Felt like modern day meditation without the technical breathing. Be prepared to wave at kids who for some reason always feel the need to wave at riders, don’t be an asshole wave back.

I miss riding.

Distance & Social Media.

When I deployed in Afghanistan back in 2011 for my only “combat” (Arty guy in a major fob) deployment in my so far five year stint in the army, being nineteen years old and having friends who were 26+ I was expose to adult problems they faced back in the States. One of the most prevalent issues in military culture being marriage itself, its often a cluster fuck involving many children, almost always a horrible divorce, and former spouses winning the eighteen year lottery. So naturally, I was always a bit curious in what the older heads opinions were on at life. One day while working with my Battery Commander I had asked if him being away got easier with his wife the more deployments he had.

To paraphrase what he told me, which he said it doesn’t. I furthered inquired into his reasoning behind his answer and the way he explained it to me made sense. Any sort of relationship you have with a person whether being significant other, friend, or family is entirely based on things you experienced together. You never stop growing as a human being, you are constantly being shaped by your environment until the day you meet your end. So when you do come home it’s like you’re meeting a completely new individual.

Another analogy to this I believe that was said by Duncan Trussell during a podcast of the “Joe Rogan’s Experience.” (which is pretty good btw) Imagine that there’s two different sailing boats each with an azimuth that’s one degree off from the other. You could leave from the same port but over time you’ll end up in two completely different locations. Which I find also very true if you are slightly off on your azimuth during land navigation, which I found out the hard way during the STAR course in selection.

2012-01-27-Strip_175_Back_Home_webrelevant terminal lance comic

With each passing year I’ve been finding that more true than not, I’m sure this is a subject pretty much most twenty four year olds now experience. After school, who do you hang with? It eventually starts to boil down to those around you, who are most convenient to interact with. I think it’s a concept we need to embrace more, it forces change.

The more years that had come and gone the more I found this to be true, like I said before this encompasses everyone you ever know. Occasionally when I drop a leave packet to head back to my hometown you seem to notice it by increments, it came to a point where I can’t even recognize some of my own family. As melodramatic as that seems I think social media has added an interesting dimensions to this phenomena. You’re updated daily on the ongoings on people who had maybe a small blimp in your life, and it gets exhausting to see it strangely. I almost feel it violates the natural way of the passage of things, there’s just some you have to let go at a certain point.

It’s definitely one of the reasons why I want to move to a different state when I do come to my end of service date, I’ve spent a long time gone I’ve survived so far so what’s the point to coming back to what you were familiar with? One of my goals in this life is to find a center or a balance in perspective, I want to soak in experiences of new and different people.

Just live an interesting life I guess. Whatever that maybe, I’m ready for it though.

Happy New Year Obligatory Blog Post

It’s New Years Eve ten minutes before midnight, you anxiously await the new year. As if the turning of the clock over to mark the new day resolves your past years struggle, either way you’re optimistic you want to start a new leaf this year 2015 is your year you determined. You also want to get in good with Analisa, she’s gorgeous you are set on kissing her into the new year. Good, I’m proud of you reader. Really I am, and you should she’s definitely a ten in your book. One problem though, what are you going to say when she asks your goals for next year? Analisa isn’t no basic chick her constant smell of onion rings reminds you she’s a I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-T career oriented goal chasing woman. You’re not going to impress her with the run of the mill resolutions such as getting in better shape, strict budgeting, and actually being a father to your eight year old. No, No, you’re going to need to up your game Timmy, and I believe in you more than the laws of gravity. Nervously you fiddle your fingers struggling to remember this blog, god what did that 5’9″ 198 LBS of pure man meat muscle tell me to do? Don’t worry I ensured to surgically emplaced a one way talk radio while you slept I key you in on the most important resolutions to have, in a window-less van across the street of the house party you’re attending…

Timmy boy, tell her you want to rob a bank.

robbers entering bank

Robbing banks take some finesse, suits, and a classiness that reads I’m committing a felony.
Popularly romantize by major movies today because simply its badass, and you’d look like the coolest kid on the block on CCTV. Additionally, if you get away you’d probably run out with a hefty sum of money that you can fill your bathtub with while you snort a pile of cocaine off the toilet seat since you lack proper hygiene and have a serious drug issue. It also happens to be one of those resolutions you really can’t half ass considering once you start, you can’t just put the gun down and just say “kidding!” How impressive of a resolution is this? Between promising to stop smoking cigarettes and becoming a demi-god impressive. In fact I don’t know why Analisa wouldn’t be taking her panties off this second as soon as you spout this bullshit.

Ok…Ok…you don’t want to tell her you’re going to rob a bank since you lack the testosterone and something about it being illegal. How about telling her that you’re going to go homeless for a year?


This may actually be my best viable option as I type yet. Provided the fact you probably look like most dudes, you’re probably wearing a dirty flannel shirt or some sort of 90s era nostalgic gear you’ve copped in the mall. You’re already half way there man, just commit bro-ham-sandwich just commit. Haven’t you ever wondered how it feels to be homeless? Horrible you say? Probably, but just think you aren’t bound by anything in any region for any reason. You can always pick up and leave just like you were never there. Many people before have gone the same route to see the world, doesn’t always end up good as shown in the true life turned book/movie “Into the Wild.” You shouldn’t let your life be confided by a few poison berries man. It’s also 2015 now we have tons of resources providing for the traveling less fortunate such as couch-surfing, craigslist, and apparently tindr. Analisa, is probably foaming at the mouth at the thought of this, she always wanted to be extra helpful to those in need. She could take care of you while tweeting how good of a person she is while you get to high five your bros on the way out of town!

Alright, fuck that was shit suggestion too? You’re picky man no wonder why nobody likes you..alright how about becoming a monk?


How cool are monks right? “Totally bitchin'” in the words of the late great former president Abraham Lincoln, while misattributing quotes to famous individuals is one of my favorite pastimes. Becoming a monk takes dedication, passion, and a love of something beyond yourself in fact those three things are the basis of a good life in all subjects and aspects. A cursory search on google reveals that becoming monk isn’t necessarily a easy process, it is an option open for anybody. I think if you do need to find yourself in the year of 2015, you’ll learn more about yourself in remote places left to your own devices than you would ever learn anywhere else. Take it from a man who has spent more than enough time alone in the heavily wooden areas or deserts. I am enlightened to the degree that I know I don’t know enough about life and I’m not that great of a person. Find your light, your path, your way young happy warrior. In fact I would tell that to Analisa that you’re just trying to find your way as you mysteriously look out the window. You’re going to need a forklift to get her off of you I can guarantee that.

Ok, you didn’t like that one neither? Well, then I guess you’re fucked mate. Just play it cool I guess, tell her you want to do something with the community or something equally vague. Who am I kidding, I’m not the best with women… maybe get a motorcycle hit the road at ridiculous speeds and attempt all three? Happy new year.


Movies, TV and a rant by your favorite person.

Watching movies/TV shows can be a magical experience whether that would be with in the back of the theatre seating row with Ms. Susie Rotten Crotch, or your sad saturday night alone watching Netflix in bed drinking your tears to hydrate you for your continued pathetic existence. Movies/TV shows provide an outlet from the realities and confides of your life to this new world where common sense almost never applies, and problems ranging from skipping school and having an over obsessive principal attempt to capture you to going to a different country and killing hordes of humans to find your kidnapped daughter. Even the worst of movies can be entertaining break from the mundane as you struggle to get away whether that would be a long flight, in a break room waiting for your oil to be changed or where else you find yourself in that “elevator going up” kind of existence. There is however some things that movies and even television shows present that almost nobody ever will do, and I know this is entertainment but I have a blog to update so fuck you, I’m angry.

How to Not end Phone Converstations

I’m an important busy man if you couldn’t tell by now, I have all sorts of people calling me from A-List celebrities, the mayor of denver, to the President of Russia. I’m constantly on the move on flights to strange countries and with exotic women sipping on a martini, but I take my time to answer calls and end them correctly. Unlike some action heroes who feel the need the hang up before they say good-bye. First off thats completely rude, and no I don’t care that you’re dismantling a bomb to save New York City, I don’t care if you are on the verge of eliminating ebola, be a decent human being for once and say goodbye, or a variation of such. I’m also confused why the character on the other end never seems to angrily call back, I know I would give that jerk face my two cents on how normal phone etiquette works. Jack Bauer from the television show 24 does this to every phone call he receives or makes, and every time he does it I sacrifice a kitten. It’s definitely not fair to those decent hard working people and it isn’t fair to those poor kittens but rules are rules Jack.

talking without looking
In every movie or television show there is usually a scene where the character in question has his or hers back turned to another individual while holding a conversation. In real life nobody ever does that, in fact I tried it one time to emulate that once with my boss while I looked out the window longingly reminiscing on the good times I had with Susie Rotten crotch. While she was a lovely gal I was snapped back into reality from a heavy handed slap from my boss, and he promptly fired me for being an “introspective faggot.” Good on him too, I would of done the same thing if I was in his shoes. You’re being a disrespectful human being, you should always maintain eye contact with the individual that is speaking with you it shows that you’re intently listening. The entire point of a conversation is to learn something new, to be entertained, or being a good friend to those in need. I believe cinema portrays this exact scene to give the feeling of authority or to make for dramatic sentence as the character slowly turns around to give it and then cut scene. I was too naive to think I can pull off the same thing now me and my nine children are suffering hoping that my blog takes off one day.

Dismantling bombs at the last second
In this scene the character dismantling the bomb will wait until the very last second to actually take action. I understand that it is a troubling decision to make between the ever so cliché blue or green wires but indecision isn’t your friend here. I don’t understand why they would take such a great risk like that when sometimes millions of lives are at stake, instead they are diaphoretic as multiple beads of sweat comes from their brow and they look between the two wires intensely as if they would suddenly get the answer to the riddle. If it were me it’ll take me a couple seconds to reach a decision, I would just shrug my shoulders and say fuck it immediately starting to snap away without second thought. Also, where is the explosive ordinance team for all this? You know the people trained and qualified to actually perform such matters, in these movies they seem to never be there always fucking off elsewhere. Why are these fictional citizens wasting their fictional tax dollars on such an inefficient system? I would be out rage and spend the rest of my days making a specialized interest group called People Against Random Fuckers Deciding my Fate. I would be known around the world and have a shot into politics becoming president on my very first election run I would then be engaged to the beautiful Katy Perry and spawn children like it was my job.

Running Away From Explosions
If the dismantling the bombs goes to shit, the character in question always makes a break for it at a dead sprint. Balls of fire, fury, and hate seem to encompass everything behind them reaching for them at an alarming rate and then in movie/tv fashion one last big explosion and the character is thrown against the ground dust obscuring your vision of the character in question. You think to yourself did this dipshit survive? Ah, of course yes the dust settles and he or she dusts himself off gives one last good look and rides off to the sunset. Obviously hollywood doesn’t know how explosions work and their terrifying killing power, if you were that close to the detonation you would of been reduced to ashes in milliseconds. Let me teach you something here reading with a small info-graphic that can visually enrich you with knowledge.

More dead than Robin Williams
More dead than Robin Williams

As you see in the primary zone you’d be dead from the blast of the initial explosion, in the secondary zone any inanimate object, or flying organic bodies act as fucking missiles to eliminate your ass with the highest of fashion. In the tertiary zone in which our beloved movie/tv characters always seem to end up you are tossed around like a rag doll until you hit an object that halts your momentum, or your eventual loss of kinetic energy. The ensuing injuries from just in the tertiary zone could possibly be fatal, you could be left with blast lung spewing up pink frothy liquid from your noise space and thats not counting additional other hollow organ damage. I wonder who medically insures these insane individuals, premiums must be outrageous.

Ridiculous Love Stories

The image above is a poster cover for the movie “Pretty Woman” if for some reason you are unable to read that in the image due to your spontaneous illiteracy. If you don’t know the plot of pretty woman essentially its a zany love story on how a successful business man hires a prostitute to accompany him as his girlfriend. How the tides have turned in a week when the two fall in love with each other. In a week? Seriously? That’s entirely irresponsible of you, I don’t care how much time you spend with a person but a weeks time isn’t enough to know them at all. How does he know she isn’t smoking crack rock to get by everyday? How does she know he isn’t some sort of new age Jack The Ripper? The only thing I fall in love for that fast is food, at least with food you know how it’s going to taste nearly every time provided that you prepared it right. Plus, isn’t this guy rich as fuck? Why would you settle for a hooker my man, you have so much more potential out there that isn’t sleeping with half of the city to make money.

She said she would never let go...RIP LEO
She said she would never let go…RIP LEO

Cheesy one liners


I’ve been collecting one liners for every situation that I will find myself in and they are locked away deep in a cave awaiting on the day I become a superhero, before I retire the cape I will ensure that I would make use for at least one cheesy saying a day. That being said does anybody really use one liners? A police officer making an arrest, or a firefighter putting out fire, or a doctor finding a cure for an aliment? No they don’t because for one they have more important shit to do then be half way witty on a phrase. I would rather watch Tom Cruise run from a seemingly continuous explosion than to hear these one liners, it makes my soul rattle and upsets my stomach every time I hear something that even resembles a one liner. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit creative writers of hollywood, your not fooling me with your entertainment voodoo magic.


Admirable Men & Women.

Everyone has heroes whether real or fictional and some peoples are better than others. I am better than you and my opinions are treated like facts by royalty. In fact once the President of the United States of America looked at me personally right in my beautiful eyes and said thank you once before.


What for? Doesn’t matter just know that it happened accept it and move on just like how you don’t question the laws of gravity.

Back to my original point before you distracted me with your existence. Here are some of the following people I admire, find cool, or want to emulate when I become a real boy!

Cameron Hanes

World class bow hunter Cameron Hanes is about as manly as you can get if you put two roided freaks in a room and one of them gave birth to a baby somehow, his goal is to be the ultimate predator. Which so far he has proven time after time again. He hunts dangerous game with a weapon that essentially has been used since the dawn of time, and is so proficient at hunting with said weapon he earned himself a sponsorship with under armor. To prepare for long treks on carrying cuts of meat with him, he trains with an eighty pound ruck that he takes up a mountain and down.
He also dabbles in weight lifting and is a pretty massive dude that also participates in numerous marathons which is a mix you rarely see.
The only downside to him is that he listens to a ton of country music, but we all have our issues.

Anderson Silva


Anderson Silva doesn’t look like much if you had no context to who he is, but hope you brace your face for a series of punches. This guy is the Michael Jordan of MMA, there’s not a lot of fighters that match up to Silva’s talents as made event to his lack of guard in some fights. He would just drop his guard and avoid punches by standard bobbing and weaving I don’t know about you but I would never do that for anybody random, especially a guy who has been training for months just to fight you. Last time I dropped my guard in a fight my five year old cousin beat my ass so bad, and I was subsequently disowned by my family for being a bitch.

Dana Bailey

The beautiful strong as shit Dana Bailey is another person I admire for the simple fact she’s a chick that body builds, she participated in the 2013 Ms Olympia Physique competition and won first place, participated again this year and got second but its okay she’ll be always first in my heart. She also happens to be married by some dude I don’t like very much since he’s hogging the love of my life all to himself. Together they are smart entrepreneurs and started up a company called “Flag Nor Fail.” Kind of a never surrender (flag) and never fall short (fail) philosophy, they sell all sorts of things from T-Shirts to cutting boards, and promote a generally healthy life style that you don’t see much of in America these days.

Heres Their Website.

Joe Rogan


Comedian, Actor, MMA enthusiast, podcastor. There is plenty of things Joe Rogan is involved in that may surprise you. I didn’t follow him much before but I had been listening to his podcast for the past two years now and I have been impressed with it (mostly). Sometimes, he has opinions/stances that are short sighted or dumb, but he has and does change them when presented new facts and doesn’t hold on to his old beliefs rigidly like most people today do. He also takes charge of his podcast very well and incorporates very interesting people to talk with him all the time, some notable mentions are Cameron Hanes, Dr. Rhonda Patrick, Amber Lyon, and Joey Diaz. Another is he is always willing to try new things out isn’t afraid of challenges as noted by his black belt in jiu-justu, taekwondo, and blue belt in Judo.
You can catch the Joe Rogan Podcast here

Officers in America

America the home of the free and land of the brave. We should also add that we are the land of unnecessary police aggression, granted we aren’t as bad as some other nations but when officers are shooting twelve year olds to death in parks something has to change.

To give you some insight to this video shown here his Tamir Rice the twelve year old kid who is waving around a pellet gun in a park, he probably shouldn’t of been doing that since A. He’s black and B. waving around anything that looks like a real gun is asking for bad things to happen.

What gets me though in this video is how quick the officers in question were at in reacting to this, they just drive up and murder him right then and there. There isn’t any warning, theres no stand off its just one squad car with two cops coming in and murdering a child on video tape.

I understand self preservation above all else. No one is asking you to die in this situation but how much more differently could have this situation played out if they devoted a little bit more resources to this scene? They could have blocked off the roads on both sides so he has no where to go, they could have distance themselves further just at twenty five meters I could almost guarantee no one would have been hit with a bullet.

This past year alone there has been so many examples of an over aggressive police force quick to shoot, rather than deescalating situations. You’re not fighting a war with an uniformed military, you are supposed to be keeping peace in the society and helping those in need. You’re suppose to be public servants not governmental death squads keeping people in line through fear.

If nothing else changes to the training of officers today in the United States, at the bare minimum officers of the law should have to wear cameras on their uniforms. We run off a system of checks and balances if someone with power goes unchecked they run amok, and form into something more abusive than helpful. This isn’t a new idea either history has shown this same situation played out time after time again, whether it be politicians or guys with guns who shoot indiscriminately like armed thugs.

The cameras will remind them to behave appropriately and force them to think about their actions before they carry out. On the flip side it’ll protect the good officers from unnecessary stress from the he said/she said games, we’ll take out the complete guess work out of potentially criminal cases with these officers. Of course thats a lot of money to spend initially outfitting everybody with recording devices, but our state governments and even our federal governments spend money on tons of other stupid shit.

So, lets invest in protecting ourselves and our rights there shouldn’t be a price tag for that.