How To Be A Shitty Parent 101

Parenting can be tough, even tougher when you have to attempt to be a half way decent parent. Lucky for the weak minded in todays society there is tons of information out there on being a better parent. Unfortunately although there is no representation on being a horrible parent, I am here to change that I believe in equality for all fringe groups in society, this guide is going to instruct you on how to excel above all others in being a shitty parent! In my humbled opinion nine times out of ten according to a statistic I just made up, your kids are going to hate you anyway. Regardless of how much time you spend with them or how much you make them involve in the community, they’ll probably put you in a home one day if you’re lucky. Otherwise most other former children now adults will kick you to the curb out to fend for yourself, catching runaway trains to travel around the nation. You might as well let them have a reason to hate you, win while you can. The other way to look at this is you can be so horrible to them that you in turn actually make them into a better human being, todays culture is full of soft bellied children who don’t know hardship and I mean that both physically and mentally. So, how do you go about this? While being physically abusive is an easy thing to do I think thats wrong both in the eyes of the law and morally, since you can do so much more damage emotionally than physical scars can show!

Calling them by the wrong name

Calling someone by the wrong name is a time proven method of letting them know you don’t care much for them as a human being, especially if you do a slight alteration of their name. As in “Bill” becomes “Jill” and Sarah becomes “Turd Eater.” Imagine the anguish for years to come and the torment they face every time they come home to your unloving arms. When they predictably ask, “how do you not know my name didn’t you name me mom/dad?” Respond with a quick nope and an odd explanation that it was the decision of the doctor who unfortunately aided in birthing you. Another fun way to let them know you don’t care for them early on is to name them something terrible like for example cancer, adopted, or better yet Iggy Azalea. This alternative method works just as well as the first, but in this case you don’t have to do much work as the school children will do the teasing for you. This can work greatly against you although, as they might hold so much resentment for you that they’ll actively will try to murder you as evident in the great Johnny Cash song called ” A Boy Named Sue.”

Let them know they were a mistake

Letting your children know that they were mistakes aids in building their character, that being is that they are unwanted much how like everyone feels about everyone anyway. A lot of parents mess this technique up by letting their children know that they were their favorite mistake, don’t half ass that shit buddy you don’t need to lie. Remind them often that they are the bane of your existence, and a omen of wrapping it up. Children are life, money, and goal sucking parasites. Some people are happy to have children towards the end of their life when they realize nothing else good left, and those individuals are what I call idiots. If thats you trust me on this and just get a puppy at the very least puppies can be adorable and less disgusting than children.

Forget Birthdays Constantly

A birthday is an exciting time in a child’s life, usually on this day they feel entitled to feel special. On the contrary to adult life when you realize no one really cares if its your birthday or not, so why wait until they are older? Let them face the harsh realities now that the fact they made it one year without dying isn’t special, many people on the planet has reached their age and have gone well past. The only birthday worth celebrating in my eyes is when or if you reach the age of one hundred, thats admirable you’re almost dead and endured so much bullshit. Why celebrate your five year olds birthday? They didn’t accomplish anything and haven’t contributed to society in anyway, get a job child. Another way to attack this topic is to celebrate their birthdays as the anniversary of the worst day of your life, go all out with it dress in all black and mourn silently. You can buy a tombstone with engravings of your own birth date to your spawn demon child and name it the good life, place roses there every year as remembrance of the life you once had.

Down Play Their Accomplishments

Unfortunately sometimes children do amazing things or feats other than ending their lives, how do you handle such things especially when they out shine your own accomplishments? Simple, downplay everything they do to such an extend they feel as if they didn’t do much at all. This can range from them being a star athlete, stellar academic performance, or even the president of the United States. Treat each accomplishment as if many others have and can do the same thing, go out of your way to let them know you aren’t impressed. Let them know no matter what they do in life they’ll die and soon enough everyone will forget their accomplishments much like you don’t remember their name.

Let them know when they suck

Children suck at a lot of things whether it comes to holding a decent job, cleaning up after themselves, or being physically capable of taking care of themselves. Don’t make them feel better by talking them up, let them know they are a hindrance in everyones life. Judge all their creative projects harshly, become their worst critic and you’ve earned it. I think its only fair, since as a mother you’ve shot them out of your now ruined vagina or as a father picking up extra shifts just to support their parasitic selves. My own father was the best at this, he was always upfront about my performance even when I didn’t ask for feedback and still calls me up to this day just to call me a faggot, and look at me now, I write blogs for strangers on the internet I made it pa!

Never be present for any social activity, ever

Any social activity requiring your presence should be met with a great unwillingness to be actually there, as you should feel too. Most elementary schools have some sort of bring your parent to school day where you go and pretend to be nice to other miserable parents. Why go at all? In my mind if you aren’t being paid to attend why waste your time when you can spend it on more important matters like strippers, and booze. Treating them as they were insignificant preps them into adult life when they then realize they could be replaced any time with someone else. No one is a unique snow flake no matter how much you want to believe in it. After a few missed events a concerned teacher/coach/parent may call you to an inquiry of where you are at in your child’s life, don’t feel bad you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. This is the land of the free, China the great.

Don’t let them win ever

Science has proven children are physically, intellectually, and emotionally inferior to adults in every which way possible. You can beat them in a variety of ways through sprints, card games, or discussion on politics you will win every single time. Many parents around the world purposely lose to make their children feel good, when in reality not everything is won that easily. For the parents who for some odd reason have a strong, fast, prodigy genius in your hands your best bet is to refer to number 4 on the list, down play their accomplishments and then don’t further provide them another opportunity to win at anything again. Exploit their weakness… every child has one, they are like video game bosses hit them in the flashy red spot.

Forget to Pick them up often

Have you ever been left by your parents before? Remember how terrible that felt? Now imagine this, leave your children elsewhere whether that would be at school, violin practice, tae kwon do, cheer camps and many more! When they finally make it home by themselves, look at them unapologetic and reason gas is too expensive to be wasting it going across town for them. This will teach them about value, and how they absolutely have none of it! Fun!

These simple tips and tricks of the game will guarantee you for the worst parent of the year award uncontested. In fact you should make a professional wrestling style belt and wear it around the house as a reminder to your children that you hate them, and wish they ceased to exist. Then at least when you get old, feeble, and smelly and your children grow into successful adults, you won’t feel as bad when they neglect you because at least you know you deserve it.

Cheers, beautiful people.