God came to Moses as a burning bush according the stories of the bible, when Moses asked who he was God replied with “I am Who I am.” To summarize the interaction between Moses and the burning bush(god). God gave Moses the Ten Commandments for all human beings to live by, a set of rules if you will.
Whether or not you believe in the various stories of the bible or a religion at all, I for one would have done things differently if I was in God’s position. First, I would of dropped the whole lame burning bush idea and came in as a ten foot tall man with impeccable abs, biceps the size of basketballs, and pectorals for days. Think of the more accurate depiction of a browner Jesus with long flowing herbal essence locks of hair.
I would also be naked with a twenty inch dong, just swinging away in the wind much like that blue guy from the movie/comic Watchman. (Which by the way had way too many penis shots to my liking.)
I would also have the voice of Barry White so you’d be never sure if I was just talking to you or trying to seduce you. I would then give a more modern verison of the Ten Commandments for all of humanity to follow, and then use my large penis as a propeller much like a helicopter and fly away into space with that deep baritone laugh heard for miles. What’s my version of the Ten Commandments? Glad you ask. With that horrible transition lets move on to this beautiful man’s Ten Commandments!
THOU SHALL NOT STAND IN FRONT OF THY MIRROR
Gym mirrors are great many moons ago, I didn’t really understand its purpose but now with me sitting at one hundred ninety seven pounds of man meat I understand. It’s purpose is to constantly boost your own ego while lifting, you see while I’m working out I can see my awesome pump and admire my gains. Yet, without fail some unblessed asshole has to stand in front of my reflection while he/she works out on his. This especially bothers me when there is so much other space to admire yourself without blocking the view of others, can’t you see I’m lost in my own beautiful eyes and YOU SIR ARE DISTURBING MY PEACE. I have and probably will never mediate but I imagine the feeling is similar, I feel at one with myself and with others yet when this takes place it stops the record short. This is probably how wars started in throughout history.
THOU SHALL NOT SCREENSHOT MY SNAPCHATS
Snapchat is a fun app if you’re tired of sending picture messaging through the conventional means, also you can update your “story” to show all your friends how boring and uninteresting your life really is, no more speculation! Yay! A couple years ago I was involved with this woman and like all things it ended. We are in that weird zone where were not really friends but still converse every now and then, long story short I was sent a snap of her and I returned with a snap of myself. She’d screened shot a picture of my face, and thats pretty creepy for someone you aren’t interested in. I called her out on it asking for her reasoning behind it, which she responded with so she can stare at it before she sleeps. That isn’t cool at all and its borderline psycho answer to me, so now I travel around my city constantly looking over my back. If I get murdered all I’m saying is it’s a good chance it was her, tell the feds.
THOU SHALL NOT WORKOUT IN FRONT OF THE DUMBBELL RACK
If you never seen a dumbbell rack because you’re under hundreds of pounds of Dorito/Cheeto dust and you need a crane to move yourself from your bed to the bathroom, I provided a picture above since I’m a really nice guy. The dumbbell rack is a great invention its purpose is to house the various weights in a organize matter, much like a bookshelf its for men and woman with class. Although, some people don’t seem to understand the logic behind choosing your weight and scooting away so that another person maybe able to retrieve dumbbells of their choosing. No, these people who I believe have their own special place in hell choose to be dickheads and decide here’s a great place for me to do shoulder shrugs for thirty seven minutes straight. Can you imagine the agony of waiting for this dipshit to finish while you think of creative ways to murder their existence without getting in trouble with the law? Answer to that as found out recently is a chokehold FYI.
THOU SHALL NOT TAKE WHORISH PICTURES ON SOCIAL MEDIA FOR ATTENTION
As much as I do enjoy seeing revealing body parts of the various women I once knew/don’t know in my lifetime. I don’t enjoy these pictures based on the fact its pure trickery and another part is that I can’t myself replicate this photos showing a little bit of dick. Most girls all across social media do this, but there is a certain extend when its pretty unreasonable. For example, I once knew a girl who would take photos much like this. She was one of those fake fitness models that did maybe a crunch every other day, and ate celery. She posted up a picture of her “abs” showing half her boobs, and then promptly complained of all the “thirst.” Which is a term when you attract “unwanted” attention from the opposite gender. Are you fucking crazy? You maybe able to speak if you took a normal photograph of yourself, but listen bitch you’re half naked of course these dudes are going to come flocking. Another issue is the guys that like this in hopes they might one day be able to stick their meat tubes in this chick one day, listen guys she isn’t going to fuck you. She is just whoring for likes and a ego boost for the day. Yet, this is a daily compounding problem that needs to stop soon.
THOU SHALL NOT SNAPCHAT YOURSELF URINATING
Another snapchat commandment, and yes this is real. I have a friend or I should just say a weird acquaintance who for some reason thought it was appropriate to send a snapchat video of himself urinating to me. I for one don’t have any friends who I like enough for this to be an excusable thing, not only its not funny it is disgusting, especially when you’re not expecting it. This also makes me question you as a person, your morals, and the ethics you standby. From that day on I spent most of my life trying my best to avoid this individual, there is no saving face for that.
THOU SHALL NOT SPEAK TO ME WHEN READING
I like to read every now and then, I believe it keeps me sane. Whether its from a actual book or I’m reading one of the blogs I follow, I like to focus my brain 100% into that activity. I don’t think you’re doing anything justice if your half assing it, especially when it comes to reading someone else’s work. Yet, it seems when I do this in a public place someone has to have a conversation with me. I’ll make it into a point by answering short and never looking up from what I’m reading with my middle finger up to show that I am currently not interested in engaging in conversation. Some people just don’t stop and are obliviously to what you’re doing or they in fact know what you’re doing and just keep distracting because they hate you. People like to claim they can multi-task, I don’t believe it but if it is how you run your life by then so be it. Just leave me alone please.
THOU SHALL NOT WASTE UNNECESSARY TIME ORDERING FOOD
Going out to eat can be a fun and exciting experience, you get to selflessly shove your face with foods you were too lazy to make. The taste even made sweeter knowing that their kids starving to death while you choose one of a hundred items to choose from. Understandably, if its your first time visiting a restaurant you want to carefully decide on what entree you can be gluttonous on. On a fast food drive-thru though you should already have an idea of what you are going to eat before you get up to the plate. I have been stuck many times behind an indecisive asshole pondering meals as if it was their last, just let me get my grilled stuff burrito and cry in peace!
THOU SHALL BE UPFRONT AND HONEST WHEN ASKING HELP FOR A MOVE
Moving anywhere sucks period, you shifting through your pile of garbage trying to figure out what you need and it’s a stressful activity. Enlisting the help of your friends can provide a beneficial experience to the move, much laughs to be had, and much labor to conduct. Look, I’m not a bad guy if you need moving I’ll be more than happy to offer my hand, what I don’t like is when I’m asked in a sort of foot-in-the-door way. Approaching me asking for just a favor and then beating around the bush about it is a waste of time, I also don’t like when I’m told its only ” a few things” even though I should know by now that people lie a lot. I’m lead to believe it’ll be a simple move but yet you have a storage unit filled with shit and I’m the only friend that came in to help. Also slightly unrelated when I ask for your honestly I expect 100% the brutal truth on any matter I ask of. Coddling people on feedback gets them no where and where can you improve if you have nothing to improve on?
THOU SHALL GIVE FIRM HANDSHAKES
A handshake to me is everything it symbolizes a contract, a friendly bond, and rigid badassery in general. Although sometimes handshakes can be weak sometimes you grab fingers, some times its weak contact and you should be by divine law required to re-do that handshake again and part ways as if nothing happened. Nothing is worse than a weak handshake and I mean nothing no genocide, racism, or anything else evil compares to the agony of knowing a weak handshake took place. It ruins my day and I’m spent the rest of the hours in deep depression wishing I could just take back that moment.
THOU SHALL GIVE HIGH FIVES
When I present you the opportunity to a high five, I expect a high five in return in full force. High fives should hurt, and you should feel the stinging pain for hours. To not return a high five should be the highest disrespect on the law of the land, you should be able then to challenge the person in question to a death match above a impeding exploding volcano. Being the person who doesn’t return a high five doesn’t make you look cool, you just singled yourself out as one of the worse types of people in the world. Even Hitler himself would just shake his head in shame of your inaction to return a high five.
(for more ridiculousness follow my twitter @whoshitinmytea)