Gym people, personal training, and other boring shit.

     I spent the past year working at a commercial gym as a Personal Trainer. I had always assumed that I would enjoy working at a gym; I love fitness, and I’ve spent an insane amount of time (stupidly) working out prior, so what’s better than just living at a gym?  As the saying goes “don’t meet your heroes,“ you realize their faults to them like anyone else, and you’ve spent so long idolizing them that they, in reality, can’t compare to the construction of your mind. Nobody and nothing is perfect not to sound nihilistic even though I always am (I’m whiny). I realized in the same sense “the perfect job” also applies. My attitude changed of those around me and the fitness industry itself. People will always be ridiculous in their own ways, and I think every field in life has their percentages. If I could label a gym setting with one word, I believe douchebag would be succinctly eloquent. This is not to say I had never been any one of these people or some other form. I almost feel like I suddenly became self-aware of my environment. These are my observations…

     The characters in a commercial gym are interesting. While working out can be fun, it is mostly a vain hobby in a sense. Everyone who steps foot into a weight room wants to look like a Greek statue; I should say most people. Some others have health issues they are determined to work through, but I know in the back of their mind they have the same wish to a certain degree. This is akin to asking anyone on the street “who wants to be rich?” Being male all my life, as I had never determined I was any other gender (shout outs to 2017). There is this hidden peacock game or an imagined hierarchy ladder in the setting. Guys show up in stringers with the dumbest gym phrases like “here to train” “train or shut the fuck up” or input any other string of barely intelligible words, and you have a gym T-shirt. I am not a fashion Nazi; any fourth grader can beat my closet. I am one step above wearing sketchers that light up when I step. I can still, however, recognize when something looks inherently retarded. A couple months ago, a memory that will forever be with me. I was training one of my clients and a man wearing an unbuttoned flak-like jacket with no undershirt wearing a fisher’s man hat was glaring at me. I had done nothing to this man, but I assume that he felt his need to assert himself to me since he was in better shape than me.  I’m glaring back thinking “dude you can’t look like a c minus backstreet boy dancer and be mean. You can’t look like you just left the Chippendale academy and act like a suicide bomber.” The unfortunate case this is never isolated incidents in gyms, something about being twenty-something and deadlifting raises everyone’s testosterone.

     Women are far worst although in a commercial gym. Women dress like what I would imagine an Amish strip club would be. Yes, I understand this is purposely done for attention and if you were to argue against that, I would also believe you think the earth is flat. I don’t see how you can justify a girl wearing shorts where quite literally half her ass is showing. While my English teacher would find that sentence extremely verbose, I don’t know how else to strongly communicate what I see. I don’t mind it although, I would encourage this more if I could. At the same time, it’s been dividing my attention that should be spent on my clients. Being twenty-six and single doesn’t help, I feel like the dog from the movie “up.”  I go from trying to explain a Bulgarian split squat to being lost in my mind in almost seeing an entire breast. The number of times I’ve muttered “Jesus” I assume my clients think I’m a devoutly religious man.  In group fitness classes women tend to be more cliquish, they band together and bully one another. Complaints from those bullied are endless and happen more often than I would imagine for those in their mid-thirties. I wish I could say something better to these women than just don’t go to that particular class or stop caring but it’s funny how high school-like drama still goes on.

     Social media and gym life go hand to hand. Social media is braggadocios in nature and gym goers love to show off, it’s like marshmallows and hot chocolate. A perfect combination or storm. I usually witness some spectacular feat with someone recording off to the side. The other day I watched someone alternate a power-clean with a rollout using the barbell. A power clean isn’t an insanely technical movement, but it isn’t something (in my humble opinion) you would want to stack on top of something else. When it comes to programming and diets, most people just follow the wrong type of person. Every gym idiot does not think overtraining is real unless you are on Vitamin S (steroid) you are otherwise limited by the number of weeks you can train continuously. A lot of people don’t seem to understand after X number of weeks your body takes a much longer time to recover than your first week. This will continue until your body stops recovering altogether and your performance after stagnating hits a decline.  Everyone wants to look like someone the follow-on their Instagram, but everyone forgets those people usually have other factors that contribute to the success.

     I still love my job; I love interacting with people who want to make a change in their lives. It makes me reflect on my life and the goals that I keep dreaming about but never take action towards. It’s been fascinating to see people’s different levels of motivations and drive. It’s been enlightening to try to work with those who struggle even with sometimes the frustration I experience when I don’t get met half-way. Sometimes you do a great job with someone other times you do a piss poor attempt. I think it comes with the territory. You need the bad to contrast the good I guess.


Hooters, The Worst Strip Club Ever.

On April 1st 1983 six business men came together to figure out a restaurant that would piss me off personally. In terms of a business I rate hooters just barely above the trucker stop strip clubs, and really thats only because when I throw my tips at the waitresses they refuse to take off their clothes. Even as I typed waitress, I think do they even qualify to be defined as such? Yes, they sure do all the job specifications that a waitress would undergo, but something seems a bit off when using that word to define these people.

If you are unfamiliar with hooters it is a restaurant based on the premise of breasts, and really thats about it. While it is a profitable idea none the less, I don’t find it all that appealing due to several reasons.

Boob Tax

The food at hooters isn’t the greatest and at best its unmemorable, at its worst you’re stuck thinking about how Taco Bell would of probably been a better option. What strikes the anger cord with me is how expensive this food is for the shit quality. I like to refer to this phenomena as boob tax, simply because you aren’t paying for the food necessarily but you are paying for the visual of breasts all around you tucked behind a white tank top. I, for one am a lover of the female mammary glands, a connoisseur if you will. In fact I usually spend most Wednesdays in a red robe, smoking out of my 1942 wooden pipe and swirling my scotch with my other hand besides a fire. I casually look through numerous breasts via the internet, nudes, and other collections of mine laughing with charm and rating all of them a 4/10. I don’t feel like I should ever have to pay monetary funds for breasts, ever. It’s a ridiculous notion to me that I share almost uniquely I’m assuming since most that I do know don’t share my same hatred for strip clubs or hooters. They’re weak in my eyes, but I can’t change the world only live my life true to my morals.

Interior sucks camel dick


If you’ve been to one hooters restaurant you’ve been to them all, the interior lacks any sort of brilliance to it. It’s all one shade of shit brown which I believe they might of intentionally done that to foreshadow the taste of their food, shit. This may seem ridiculous to you but many sit down restaurants try to at least convey some sort of feeling of what the restaurant is with their design. Whether that would be low lighting and cushy furniture to add some sort of romanticism with their restaurant, or in a sports bar setting various team jerseys, flags, equipment and various other memorabilia. Hooters although specializes in providing many television screens throughout the restaurant, which to be fair is a staple of a sports bar restaurant they lack any sort of more defining criteria to a sports bar restaurant. Their walls instead are plastered with hundreds of hooters girls of the past, tits, face, tits, face. I’m not claiming to be a professional interior critic but I don’t think you need to be to determine shit quality, much like how the majority of the public don’t think 2 Chains & Iggy Azalea are real rappers.

Delightfully Tacky, Yet Unrefined

Those bolded words above are currently hooters tagline, or the sentence that they chose to summarize their business. I’ve been trying to figure how exactly what they were trying to convey with that saying, that they exhibit an enjoyable suck at its rawest form? That they acknowledge they aren’t the best? I have no clue, its completely ambiguous to me, and maybe I don’t have a deeper understanding of english to see whats profound about it. If I were and god forbid an executive at hooters I would change it to “Boob tax, terrible food, beer.” I think it’s a more accurate assessment of Hooters, or the simple words of “Fuck You.” You want to know what else is tacky? Their website is a mix of vomit colors from last nights drinking binge, and with some boobs on it.

What does it take to be a hooters girl?

What did you learn in that thirty second video? Nothing, nothing at all in fact it seems that being “fabulously fun” is the only prerequisite to becoming a hooters girl, how do you define that? How do they define that? I’m sure what they meant was you have to big boobs and thats about how much fabulously fun you get. I like this video, it does a good job summarizing the personalities of hooters girls which are not having a personality at all. I feel like that is a fair assessment to make, I don’t judge people but I do judge hooters girls and they aren’t people much like strippers.

So next time your friends suggests that you should accompany them to a hooters restaurant for a fine dining experience, bring up how you would like the group to also participate in an occult ritual style suicide since both ideas are equally bad. In my own personal bias although I’m more in favor of the occult suicide over hooters, you might actually make the local news and do your family proud.


Bob Ross, The Last Great American.

Bob Ross pictured on the left befriends a squirrel through his art.
Bob Ross pictured on the left befriends a squirrel through his art.

Bob motherfucking Ross is the man, the buddha, the jesus, the muhammad, the katy perry. He was the best qualities of all these people and more, he best represented humanity in a way that we should constantly strive for.

A lot of my friends say hey High Lord Philmon why are you so gay for Bob Ross, and before I send them to the lions for being disrespectful pieces of dog shit, I explain to them this…what isn’t to love?


First and foremost look at that hair
Look… as a man who has attempted and succeeded to grow an afro, my hair was never so big, so soulful, and so intimidatingly awesome. I’m positive Bob Ross was born with an afro intact. Rumor has it his mother was a virgin that was inseminated by the ghost of coolness, thus brought Bob Ross to this world.

He painted amazing landscapes seamlessly.

When was the last time you drawn anything worth while? If you are like most… the answer is probably never because your drawings sucked and your mom wanted to take it off the refrigerator so much but was afraid you’d ask about it, and she’d tell you that you were adopted or a mistake without thinking about it out of anger.

He has to be the reincarnation of buddha
That quote resonates within me and should resonate within you as well. How long have we spent thinking about all the places in life we have fallen short of, instead of moving on and seeing how to makes you grow in a different way you intended.

No regrets only life lessons bitches.

He served time in the military
Twenty years in the Air Force and retiring at the rank of Master Sergeant he knows how to deal with bullshit with a resilient attitude. For the tree hugging extreme left winged liberals who hate the armed forces, suck a dick these people have done more for this country than you’d ever do.Go eat some gluten-free asshole and talk about how you like listening to records on vinyl.

To bring my points to a close Bob Ross should be celebrated, his birthday should be a federal holiday and we should all dress up like him, walk the streets and have a massive orgy. Thats what he would want, to see love transpire into the physical plus I’m hitting a dry spell. His face should be craved into the side of Mt. Rushmore, even though South Dakota has a population of twelve. We should raise up a statue five hundred feet tall with one hand on a M4 another on a paint brush.

Fat acceptance

What the fucking fuck.

Hello America, its your favorite allegedly black man and chances you are in love with me don’t worry we can date.

I haven’t wrote in a long time but this topic of interest compelled me so much that I felt the need to log on to my nearest computer to express my thoughts on a subject that isn’t brought out enough, I should say actually a point of view although I’m sure that many feel my sentiments in these next few sentences.

Fat acceptance is probably one of the most ridiculous movements I have ever heard in a long time, and let me get one thing clear it’s never right to treat people like shit based on looks. Although, equally its not fucking right to try to spread delusions such as fat can be healthy. Unless of course you don’t count heart disease, stroke, pregnancy issues, depression, sleep apnea, cholecystitis and many more. Trying to spread disinformation to make yourself feel better is doing a disservice fuck, injustice to the youth of America today.

Look I had been on both sides of the coin I had been fat as well, when I was younger I would find some sort of excuse for it like my metabolism was bad, that I was big boned, and various other bullshit excuses for me to escape my own reality. Truthfully, I was just fat and found physical activity undesirable so the next reasonable thing in my mind is that I go bulimic and lose the weight. I definitely lost tons of weight, I was also definitely not in a good place besides the fact that I was constantly tired still hungry and my mouth always tasted like vomit. Shortly after I gained all that weight back and more, how awesome right?

Then 2010 happened some major changes in my life occurred and I was actually forced to conduct physical activities. I lost the weight and felt better not only that but I had even began to start enjoying being physically active, a couple years later I started attending gyms and partaking in weight training fell in love & became addicted to the life style.

Nothing worth having is ever easy and life is never fair don’t expect to bend this outlook on “society” because you don’t want to change. Yes, you don’t owe it to anybody but you do owe it to yourself and if you can’t recognize that I fail to see how you do respect yourself. That might be just my issue but the fact of the matter is I have been on that side.

Notice in the image above the woman who posted that Facebook status called the two girls sluts immediately after noticing they themselves weren’t large girls. How is that not as judgmental as the treatment I hear so often on the other side of the bridge? The sad part is there’s thousands of examples of these circulating around the internet. If you want to be fat & proud thats okay go forth and be merry but don’t do that in expense of putting others down, all that shows is your own insecurities about yourself.

So now what?

If you’re still reading and this applies to you I have few places to start if you’re willing and you must be willing.

Set up goals… your goals should be non-cosmetic I find that when people typically want to work-out to look good they typically stop when they start looking better, and then they are back to where they started.

Ask, ask, ask… don’t be nervous to ask questions to people who obviously know what they are doing, and observe what other people are doing. To this day I still learn new ways to work out different muscle groups and new ways of thinking.

Don’t be afraid of looking stupid everybody looks stupid when they are whole heartily engaged in anything. Lose sense of yourself put on headphones and listen to some good music, or a podcast get yourself immersed in what you’re doing. Most of the time everybody else is too busy to pay attention to you.

Lastly as cliché as this sounds have fun with it nobody says it has to be shitty, do things you enjoy whether that is running, lifting, swimming, or biking just know you get out what you put in. If you put in half ass attempts you’ll get half ass results don’t cheat yourself when it hurts and it’ll pay dividends in the future.

J.Cole – Losing My Balance