Are you a newly minted member of the United States armed forces? Have you found yourself specifically in the Army or Marine Corp? Oh, you have orders to Lawton/Fort Sill, Oklahoma? C’mere bud, let me tell you a little bit about your next duty station. It’s absolutely amazing that the mere idea that there are human beings just like me and you living in Lawton/Fort Sill, Oklahoma. Alas, I have come from that area transcended from the human experience. Enlightened if you will, I have sage words of a traveling soldier who once lived the life you now live. There’s a good in everything you can think of in life. I want to stress this although I have a very cynical point of Oklahoma in general. This list will serve you as a guide for you first timers artillerymen/women. Do us proud, now this is the perfect time for me to segue into top ten reasons why your duty station is horrible.
10.) Suite life of Soup Sandwich living.
Barracks, your royal throne, they’re going to be kick ass. For an eighteen year old that is. They give the illusion of independence at a young age to anyone else above that they realize its free-range prison. If you’re lucky you’ll might get in good with one of the “formally” black mold infested room. Accompanied by one lamp, a desk, and a loaded revolver. The amount of underage drinking, crying, and spending money on things you shouldn’t be able to buy, will hopefully consume most of your time. If not I recommend some violent video games to take up your time. Preferably Call of Duty tell your commander you have been battle drilling in between your sets of telling that five-year-old you fornicated with his mother. Lovely! Your room can and will be subjected to random search. I recommend you stock up on the blow up dolls, random sex toys to make your NCOs feel uncomfortable in your room. I’ve been a fan of hiding a random blue tooth-speaker throughout the room playing 100 hour Georgian chant playlist on YouTube on a low volume.
If you want to get off post housing or an apartment because you’re a sensible person who doesn’t like the invasion of privacy. You have three options; you can get married to whomever is your high school/college sweetheart or imports. Or a more popular method just get married to the first thing you intercourse with. There hasn’t been any more of a stable relationship than that. Let me tell you, good idea to really not know who your partner is. That’s what marriage is for right? Despite my sarcasm and dull warning, you’ll fall into one of those categories. One more potentially more catastrophic than the next. Both equally bad decisions in their own right. Third option, maintain bachelor lifestyle when you are promoted to Staff Sergeant(E6) for the Army. Marine Corp should be the same don’t quote me on that. Airforce/Navy get out an housing allowance as an E4, that’s your first sign you joined the wrong branch. Don’t worry you’ll have a ton of time to reflect on that in your next three, four years.
8.) Strip clubs are a freak show.
Surprisingly, I haven’t been to a lot of strip clubs in my life as of yet. Typically speaking, I’m probably the profile of a guy who should be spending his life savings on Destiny right now. Although, I love money more than bare breasts and a sad story about rent being due. That being said, I know a freak show when I see one. These are one of those few events you don’t have to be an expert to identify a train wreck. Never in my life have I had to question why a toothless, pregnant stripper was on a pole until Lawton, Oklahoma happened. That’s only because, I’ve never had the thought of that ever occurring in real life before then. I mean, for the reader’s ok beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I am sure I’ll find pregnant girl attractive objectively one day. Whatever stops the hate mail, if not, hate mail is welcome to listverse.com. That’s just not what a typical eighteen-year-old boy wants to see. Can we agree on that or will I be highlighted on the next amateur blog calling for my head. The prices for those coveted private dances and amongst other things that was permissible in that Satan pit were like from discount sinning. (As a man with questionable Christian morals I like to use selective shunning to feel better about myself.) Power of the dollar in Sidewiders strip club is set at 1861 inside the establishment.
7.) Texas Road House is probably going to be your favorite restaurant.
In Lawton, Oklahoma, it’s not that Texas Road house is necessarily better than any Texas Road House. It’s steaks and alcoholic drinks that I come for. Plus, Lawton gives you this post apocalypse feeling that other towns just can’t quite capture. Watching the past presidential campaign in the sweltering heat, flies a buzzing, the old man bartender still shining that same cup for the past hour. The old lady knitting clothes in the corner softly rambling about the prophecy is upon us. Seemingly nothing but Fleetwood mac plays on the speakers as you eat. As you scramble through you 20-ounce T bone steak you began to appreciate what is around you. Although all of this is a bit of a stretch it’s the Midwest. Think Walmart customer, everywhere. That summarizes pretty much any daily interaction with anyone outside base.
6.) Fires Fitness Center is life.
In comparisons to most military gyms I have been through. Fires center has been the least occupied out of all my duty station gyms. I’ve been to three different posts, each one individually having four – to five gyms. Not a bad option to occupy your time in Oklahoma. There isn’t a ton you can do as you’re slowly finding out. A fun game to play is who is the new commissioned officer around the gym. Guy in full PTs on a Saturday? Private or New Officer? Honestly best way around life in Oklahoma is treat it like a deployment. Self-improvement should be your only state in that glorious place. Fires Center is also Fort Sill’s newest gym so you have the pleasure of working out with nice equipment.
I want you to think top tier roof top bar and you’re just at that right type of faded. You exchange glances with a beautiful girl you’ve been eyeing and she’s responding back! You kick a little game, you get her laughing, flirting, and you’re feeling like the man of the hour. Now imagine a poorly lit bar the smell of stained carpeted beer stings your nostrils as you drown in coin beer night. That girl you were looking at? Meet Stacy recently transitioned…formerly known as Steven. Stacy used to play college ball before her PCP addiction, she’s still 6’6 and 265 pounds. She’s going to intercourse you. That’s what Scooters is metaphorically, not…literally of course.
4.) Avoid the Gunners Inn if you can.
I wouldn’t say it’s absolutely the worst dining facility I’ve been to, but, if you were to offer me an option between an MRE or Gunners Inn my answer may vary. To put it in perspective Gunner’s Inn was the first time I experienced the taste of formaldehyde in a food. Specifically, turkey bacon, of course “real” bacon lovers will probably tell me that’s what I deserve. But the real atrocity is who messes that up? Lines are always out the door if you’re the type that likes to sleep on your lunch breaks that’s some bad news for you. You might have to make use of that Shoppette that’s right before Sheridan gate on the north side. Don’t go in on Tuesdays their spaghetti sauce is just tomato flavored water. If that’s what you prefer I’m not stopping you, go live on.
3.) Central Mall Where dreams come to die.
Central mall in Lawton Oklahoma is the only mall nearby. OKC is an hour and half north of you with a decent sized mall or Wichita Falls in Texas which is an hour away. Long story short, welcome you’re far from any sort of decent civilization. A bit less than the sizes of the two Walmart supercenters located in opposite ends of Lawton. There isn’t much to it or to shop. They do have a movie theaters located within the mall with limited showings, perfect for a good old theater showing rub & tug, question your existence type of night. One pro about the Central Mall is that its parking lot is susceptible to sudden flash floods throughout the summer. Sorry, I meant con. You might have left your car in a parking spot in the morning but it will be someone’s canoe by the afternoon. During the summer the unpredictable weather will keep you on your toes!
That’s if you care, otherwise you have tons of great outdoors to explore. Mount Scott is a recommended hike, bring Stacy after a lunch date.
2.) Walmart is the real mall.
Walmart’s presence in Lawton, Oklahoma is strong. Like black girl independence strength. Two big supercenters on opposite ends of the city. Both unbelievably almost always busy. Few obvious ones will be holidays traditional or shopping related. Here you meet the true and proud citizens of Lawton, Oklahoma. Usually just creatures of the cracked-out night but they need food too, surprisingly you know…other than drugs. Wide range of wonderful personalities that totally work together in a cohesive friendly environment. That’s what you might hear a realtor say with a forced smile as they pressure you to sign. It’s not that bad though, it’s just you’ll get tired of it. “Let’s go to Walmart” becomes as much as activity snowboarding would be. Although way less exhilarating or worth-while just time consuming. Probably more akin to going off the “black” and just eating shit the entire way down, sort of fun but not really.
1.) Eat at Jimmy’s Egg.
If there is any reason at all for you to go to Oklahoma, you need to experience Jimmy’s Egg. Best breakfast joint in Lawton. Staff is friendly, attentive, and quick with absolutely delicious breakfast food. They’re only open to 2pm sadly…apparently, they’re non-believers in IHOP’s vision. Pancakes drunk as shit at 2 am, upset that Stacy didn’t come home with you. Before you start smelling like poor decisions be sure to hit Braum’s Ice Cream which their business model is around selling ice cream, fast food, and a grocery store. I know I’m not giving you much to look forward to but at the very least you aren’t in NTC…yet.