Watching movies/TV shows can be a magical experience whether that would be with in the back of the theatre seating row with Ms. Susie Rotten Crotch, or your sad saturday night alone watching Netflix in bed drinking your tears to hydrate you for your continued pathetic existence. Movies/TV shows provide an outlet from the realities and confides of your life to this new world where common sense almost never applies, and problems ranging from skipping school and having an over obsessive principal attempt to capture you to going to a different country and killing hordes of humans to find your kidnapped daughter. Even the worst of movies can be entertaining break from the mundane as you struggle to get away whether that would be a long flight, in a break room waiting for your oil to be changed or where else you find yourself in that “elevator going up” kind of existence. There is however some things that movies and even television shows present that almost nobody ever will do, and I know this is entertainment but I have a blog to update so fuck you, I’m angry.
I’m an important busy man if you couldn’t tell by now, I have all sorts of people calling me from A-List celebrities, the mayor of denver, to the President of Russia. I’m constantly on the move on flights to strange countries and with exotic women sipping on a martini, but I take my time to answer calls and end them correctly. Unlike some action heroes who feel the need the hang up before they say good-bye. First off thats completely rude, and no I don’t care that you’re dismantling a bomb to save New York City, I don’t care if you are on the verge of eliminating ebola, be a decent human being for once and say goodbye, or a variation of such. I’m also confused why the character on the other end never seems to angrily call back, I know I would give that jerk face my two cents on how normal phone etiquette works. Jack Bauer from the television show 24 does this to every phone call he receives or makes, and every time he does it I sacrifice a kitten. It’s definitely not fair to those decent hard working people and it isn’t fair to those poor kittens but rules are rules Jack.
talking without looking
In every movie or television show there is usually a scene where the character in question has his or hers back turned to another individual while holding a conversation. In real life nobody ever does that, in fact I tried it one time to emulate that once with my boss while I looked out the window longingly reminiscing on the good times I had with Susie Rotten crotch. While she was a lovely gal I was snapped back into reality from a heavy handed slap from my boss, and he promptly fired me for being an “introspective faggot.” Good on him too, I would of done the same thing if I was in his shoes. You’re being a disrespectful human being, you should always maintain eye contact with the individual that is speaking with you it shows that you’re intently listening. The entire point of a conversation is to learn something new, to be entertained, or being a good friend to those in need. I believe cinema portrays this exact scene to give the feeling of authority or to make for dramatic sentence as the character slowly turns around to give it and then cut scene. I was too naive to think I can pull off the same thing now me and my nine children are suffering hoping that my blog takes off one day.
Dismantling bombs at the last second
In this scene the character dismantling the bomb will wait until the very last second to actually take action. I understand that it is a troubling decision to make between the ever so cliché blue or green wires but indecision isn’t your friend here. I don’t understand why they would take such a great risk like that when sometimes millions of lives are at stake, instead they are diaphoretic as multiple beads of sweat comes from their brow and they look between the two wires intensely as if they would suddenly get the answer to the riddle. If it were me it’ll take me a couple seconds to reach a decision, I would just shrug my shoulders and say fuck it immediately starting to snap away without second thought. Also, where is the explosive ordinance team for all this? You know the people trained and qualified to actually perform such matters, in these movies they seem to never be there always fucking off elsewhere. Why are these fictional citizens wasting their fictional tax dollars on such an inefficient system? I would be out rage and spend the rest of my days making a specialized interest group called People Against Random Fuckers Deciding my Fate. I would be known around the world and have a shot into politics becoming president on my very first election run I would then be engaged to the beautiful Katy Perry and spawn children like it was my job.
Running Away From Explosions
If the dismantling the bombs goes to shit, the character in question always makes a break for it at a dead sprint. Balls of fire, fury, and hate seem to encompass everything behind them reaching for them at an alarming rate and then in movie/tv fashion one last big explosion and the character is thrown against the ground dust obscuring your vision of the character in question. You think to yourself did this dipshit survive? Ah, of course yes the dust settles and he or she dusts himself off gives one last good look and rides off to the sunset. Obviously hollywood doesn’t know how explosions work and their terrifying killing power, if you were that close to the detonation you would of been reduced to ashes in milliseconds. Let me teach you something here reading with a small info-graphic that can visually enrich you with knowledge.
As you see in the primary zone you’d be dead from the blast of the initial explosion, in the secondary zone any inanimate object, or flying organic bodies act as fucking missiles to eliminate your ass with the highest of fashion. In the tertiary zone in which our beloved movie/tv characters always seem to end up you are tossed around like a rag doll until you hit an object that halts your momentum, or your eventual loss of kinetic energy. The ensuing injuries from just in the tertiary zone could possibly be fatal, you could be left with blast lung spewing up pink frothy liquid from your noise space and thats not counting additional other hollow organ damage. I wonder who medically insures these insane individuals, premiums must be outrageous.
The image above is a poster cover for the movie “Pretty Woman” if for some reason you are unable to read that in the image due to your spontaneous illiteracy. If you don’t know the plot of pretty woman essentially its a zany love story on how a successful business man hires a prostitute to accompany him as his girlfriend. How the tides have turned in a week when the two fall in love with each other. In a week? Seriously? That’s entirely irresponsible of you, I don’t care how much time you spend with a person but a weeks time isn’t enough to know them at all. How does he know she isn’t smoking crack rock to get by everyday? How does she know he isn’t some sort of new age Jack The Ripper? The only thing I fall in love for that fast is food, at least with food you know how it’s going to taste nearly every time provided that you prepared it right. Plus, isn’t this guy rich as fuck? Why would you settle for a hooker my man, you have so much more potential out there that isn’t sleeping with half of the city to make money.
Cheesy one liners
I’ve been collecting one liners for every situation that I will find myself in and they are locked away deep in a cave awaiting on the day I become a superhero, before I retire the cape I will ensure that I would make use for at least one cheesy saying a day. That being said does anybody really use one liners? A police officer making an arrest, or a firefighter putting out fire, or a doctor finding a cure for an aliment? No they don’t because for one they have more important shit to do then be half way witty on a phrase. I would rather watch Tom Cruise run from a seemingly continuous explosion than to hear these one liners, it makes my soul rattle and upsets my stomach every time I hear something that even resembles a one liner. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit creative writers of hollywood, your not fooling me with your entertainment voodoo magic.