Hooters, The Worst Strip Club Ever.

On April 1st 1983 six business men came together to figure out a restaurant that would piss me off personally. In terms of a business I rate hooters just barely above the trucker stop strip clubs, and really thats only because when I throw my tips at the waitresses they refuse to take off their clothes. Even as I typed waitress, I think do they even qualify to be defined as such? Yes, they sure do all the job specifications that a waitress would undergo, but something seems a bit off when using that word to define these people.

If you are unfamiliar with hooters it is a restaurant based on the premise of breasts, and really thats about it. While it is a profitable idea none the less, I don’t find it all that appealing due to several reasons.

Boob Tax

The food at hooters isn’t the greatest and at best its unmemorable, at its worst you’re stuck thinking about how Taco Bell would of probably been a better option. What strikes the anger cord with me is how expensive this food is for the shit quality. I like to refer to this phenomena as boob tax, simply because you aren’t paying for the food necessarily but you are paying for the visual of breasts all around you tucked behind a white tank top. I, for one am a lover of the female mammary glands, a connoisseur if you will. In fact I usually spend most Wednesdays in a red robe, smoking out of my 1942 wooden pipe and swirling my scotch with my other hand besides a fire. I casually look through numerous breasts via the internet, nudes, and other collections of mine laughing with charm and rating all of them a 4/10. I don’t feel like I should ever have to pay monetary funds for breasts, ever. It’s a ridiculous notion to me that I share almost uniquely I’m assuming since most that I do know don’t share my same hatred for strip clubs or hooters. They’re weak in my eyes, but I can’t change the world only live my life true to my morals.

Interior sucks camel dick

Luxury-Modern-Hospitality-Interior-Design-Hooter-Casino-Hotel-Las-Vegas-Restaurant

If you’ve been to one hooters restaurant you’ve been to them all, the interior lacks any sort of brilliance to it. It’s all one shade of shit brown which I believe they might of intentionally done that to foreshadow the taste of their food, shit. This may seem ridiculous to you but many sit down restaurants try to at least convey some sort of feeling of what the restaurant is with their design. Whether that would be low lighting and cushy furniture to add some sort of romanticism with their restaurant, or in a sports bar setting various team jerseys, flags, equipment and various other memorabilia. Hooters although specializes in providing many television screens throughout the restaurant, which to be fair is a staple of a sports bar restaurant they lack any sort of more defining criteria to a sports bar restaurant. Their walls instead are plastered with hundreds of hooters girls of the past, tits, face, tits, face. I’m not claiming to be a professional interior critic but I don’t think you need to be to determine shit quality, much like how the majority of the public don’t think 2 Chains & Iggy Azalea are real rappers.

Delightfully Tacky, Yet Unrefined

Those bolded words above are currently hooters tagline, or the sentence that they chose to summarize their business. I’ve been trying to figure how exactly what they were trying to convey with that saying, that they exhibit an enjoyable suck at its rawest form? That they acknowledge they aren’t the best? I have no clue, its completely ambiguous to me, and maybe I don’t have a deeper understanding of english to see whats profound about it. If I were and god forbid an executive at hooters I would change it to “Boob tax, terrible food, beer.” I think it’s a more accurate assessment of Hooters, or the simple words of “Fuck You.” You want to know what else is tacky? Their website is a mix of vomit colors from last nights drinking binge, and with some boobs on it.

What does it take to be a hooters girl?

What did you learn in that thirty second video? Nothing, nothing at all in fact it seems that being “fabulously fun” is the only prerequisite to becoming a hooters girl, how do you define that? How do they define that? I’m sure what they meant was you have to big boobs and thats about how much fabulously fun you get. I like this video, it does a good job summarizing the personalities of hooters girls which are not having a personality at all. I feel like that is a fair assessment to make, I don’t judge people but I do judge hooters girls and they aren’t people much like strippers.

So next time your friends suggests that you should accompany them to a hooters restaurant for a fine dining experience, bring up how you would like the group to also participate in an occult ritual style suicide since both ideas are equally bad. In my own personal bias although I’m more in favor of the occult suicide over hooters, you might actually make the local news and do your family proud.

Cheers.

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