How To Manhood.

In recent years we have witness a growing emasculation of the male populace, whether that be due to it being acceptable to wear skinny jeans, write poems, or star as a thousands of year old vampire who falls for a high school student. In which everybody else except for Stephanie Meyer and her fans consider it kind of pedophile-ish.

Where's Chris Hansen for this?
Where’s Chris Hansen for this?

I’m not saying I was above any of it, I too had suffered from being less than male at times. I worn skinny jeans once, it was a dark period of my life and my therapist believes all my issues stem from it. The question is what can we do about it? Well I have an idea to take back our manhood with force with the elegance of a drunken sailor….obligatory fuck yeah.



Let us as men collectively set back society hundreds of years! Bring back dueling. Every man should carry at least one white glove for purposes of slapping someone into a challenge and challenge everything you can. Whether that’ll betting on sports team, who gets to call shot gun, or to who is buying the next round. We will eliminate the usage of guns and instead replace them with bamboo sticks for the two duelist, that way you can challenge your friends without ever feeling bad about murdering them.

jousting 2

Communities should constantly hold Jousting tournaments, bi-annually to decide who is the most alpha of the bunch. Fun for all as it can become once again a spectator sport, fun for the whole family! That way everyone can figure out whose dad is better, effectively eliminating the old school elementary argument you are bound to get into.

Raw Steak Consumption!

It should be mandatory for every man of all ages to teething infants that they are required to eat steak as raw as possible. Also, without the use of utensils while eating men should only grunt in a inaudible language much like our predecessors before us. This will enrich our primal selves in many ways that we cannot accomplish without being shamed by societies “standards.”

Tribal Paint!

Gangster as fuck
Gangster as fuck

Every man should be required to wear a form of tribal paint that denotes where the individual is from. This should serve as a great reminder that we are warriors bent on destruction at all times. We should also create big bonfires where we chant in a demonic possessed language such as french, and we do strange interpretive dances in front of rival tribal enemies.

Komodo Dragons!

Every man should be charged with hunting and killing a Komodo Dragon with their bare hands, and to bring back the head of the slain Komodo Dragon on a stick to place in front of their house as a lawn decoration. Why Komodo dragons? For one dragons is in the name so sentences like, “I just killed a dragon.” Can hold common place in everyday conversation, two they are pretty fucking terrifying so that alone is pretty manly to me.


so much soul
so much soul

Every man should grow out their hair to unreasonable lengths, facial hair and pubic hair too. We should not be required to shave for anyone even for a convenience of our own. We should maintain a homeless look as much as possible, and make every attempt to grow dirty dreadlocks the smeller the more man it is.

Death Metal!

Every man should be required to listen to death metal, and death metal only. Sorry Death Cab For Cutie fans, you’re going to have to replace your soft emotional songs with the hard guitar riffs of band names such as ‘Dying Fetus.’ Funny how you probably already guessed Dying Fetus was death metal due to their name, off that point any up and coming death metal band should come up with equally as fucked up names such as ‘Kill Grandma in the Back Yard, AfterBirth Yum Yum, and Lady Gaga.


Every man at the age of five should be left and required to survive desolate locations of your regional choice as a parent. Whether that would be in the Himalayan Mountain tops, vast deserts, or the Amazon Jungle only the most toughest of five year olds will survive a year out there and come back a stronger man, possibly a little fucked up in the head too.

All these suggestions and more will guarantee hard generations of men to come for years. Even Clint Eastwood might be proud.



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