I am Jack’s Amazing Cardio (Reasons Why You Should Run Today)

Since the dawn of the early humans, running had played an large part in hunting wild game. Due, to relatively recent advances of todays world unshapely human beings get to waddle into survival everyday. As in no human this year or anytime recent had to ever chase down a fleeting Big Mac to survive the next day of mundaneness.

Every year new inventions are made to make us more lazy and less effective hunting animals, every year more of our children suffer from obesity to well into adulthood. We are creatures who hold a special ability to run a very long distance at a consist pace, when afforded the opportunity to get out of our vehicular cages. In fact there is still groups of people that practices this technique of distance running by chasing wild game into a point of exhaustion and finishing the animal off with a spear.

How badass is this?

I, myself, still practice a form of this through courtship rituals. I race my friends occasionally and when I predictably win, I of course being the better hunter, the better fit to pass on my superior genes to future children win a chance at sleeping with their wives. Usually their wives don’t comply but thats neither here or there we both know in our hearts that I am better.

You’re probably thinking well thats a relief, I don’t see any other reason to run, and thats when I slap you with wisdom that you’ll only find from an asian on top of a mountain with a long flowing greying beard.

He also enjoys writing horoscopes, and fortune cookies from Panda Express.
He also enjoys writing horoscopes, and fortune cookies from Panda Express.


When pulling out goes wrong.
When pulling out goes wrong.

Some of my friends enjoy camping, some of those friends I know are pretty stupid and the rest of them I’m highly suspicious of being stupid. Being out in the wilderness isn’t fun, we developed homes, air conditioning, and washing machines for a reason. While individuals feel more in touch with nature and feel like they can feel the positive vibes of the earth inseminating them, giving birth of more hippy garbage. I can attest as a man who spent many weeks away from civilization sleeping on the cold ground for weeks at a time without a sleeping bag, being “one” with the various insects, animals, diseases that you come in contact with is Mother Nature is not your friend. Mother Nature hates you, your stupid family, and everything you stand for. Mother Nature will actively try to find new devious ways to murder you as you constantly battle the elements.

But if the day comes when I finally have friends and they invite me out to camping, sure I’ll take them up on it. I will enjoy my time with those liked individuals much like normal people do, I will first although make sure I am the fastest runner in that group of individuals.

Why you ask? Simple, Grizzly Bears.


While it is impossible to out run a Grizzly bear unless you have some means of faster travel such as a car. You don’t have to worry about that, what you do have to worry although is you out run all your friends. Animals normally attack the weakest link or in this case the slowest individual and as long as you’re not last you’re first in life. So, while your friend is violently getting mauled and being eaten alive you can thank me while giving high fives to the rest of the surviving party.

Police Officers!

Obviously isn't much of a runner.
Obviously isn’t much of a runner.

If you are ever in the mood of participating in any sort of various illegal activities such as drinking underage, jay-walking, and littering. Running may be the solution for you! You can scream obscenities, and taunt in a hilarious game of catch & chase. Let’s be honest here most officers are in less than stellar condition, this sort of behavior is ideal in a relatively low crime rate city with lackadaisical officers. WARNING DO NOT ATTEMPT IF THE FOLLOWING IS MET: YOU’RE A MINORITY, HIGH CRIME CITY, THE COP IN QUESTION LOOKS LIKE HE EATS ROIDS FOR BREAKFAST You might catch several bullets to your back, face, or get beaten to the next year.

Running Shoes! pDSP1-14954622p275w

Admit it you’ve been a loser all your life, your mother constantly looks at you asking the doctor if its too late to have an abortion, your father wished he would of just got head that night. It’s too late though for any of that now, stop looking back on the past you tell them as they drop you off that fire station for an orphanage to claim you. You don’t have much going for you is what they tell you at the orphanage, they are considering putting you down.

But wait!

You see those slick murdered out Merrill’s in the display case of that hipster running store you hear so much about, you point them out to the cashier and he responses with “Good choice BRoOoO.”

You take them out for a spin everyone is looking at you, yes YOU. You feel goddamn sexy, and as you should, you run into no other than Rihanna who is also wearing a Merril’s running shoe.


She looks at you longingly

You play it cool

“Nice shoes” She says.

You give her a wink, she blushes and hands off a piece of paper with her number on it.

You give it a call, its her.

You go to her place.

Forward 20 years later Rihanna still looking flawless, you haven’t had any children so life is perfect. You’re rich as fuck, having sex with a angel everyday, you die a happy man.

You’re welcome.



You have millions of friends all across the globe, all wanting to be you, all wanting to be on you. You win the Nobel Peace prize twice in a row, Time magazine has made you person of the year. They compliment you everyday on your great cardio, and you look down on them smugly and if one of them gets too in shape? Fuck them you don’t need them, you have others to replace those assholes.

In conclusion your life will probably improve 3000% with adding a running regiment to your otherwise sedentary lifestyle, in a year from now some of you will be thinking of me wondering where I went. I don’t want the lime-light I’m merely here to help people like yourself and others who are struggling day to day, my life is already awesome enough.



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