Why Chipotle’s Guacamole is so fucking expensive.

“Seven dollars and eighty five cents is your total sir.” The young woman said, positioned behind the cash register.

“Oh, I’m sorry… I had guacamole with that.” I said reluctantly, glancing up and making eye contact with the young woman…a bead of sweat drops off my brow.

“Oh..” She says while nervously pressing buttons on the cash register.

“Your total…your total, oh wow your total is…three thousand dollars and eight five cents sir.” The young woman stammers nearly in tears.

The restaurant went quiet nothing was heard but a babies muffled cries as the mother tries to comfort the child.

“Three thousand dollars?” I asked in astonishment…

“…and eighty five cents, sir.” The young woman nervously replied.

“Can I speak to your manager? This is ridiculous.” I said suppressing my growing anger.

“Yes, sir one second.” The young woman said.

“FELICIA! FELICIA!” yelled the young woman behind her.

“Yes?”

“We need you up front…its about the guacamole again.”

“Oh fuck me.”

From the back of the kitchen came a gargantuan woman who looked about to be a pick up truck size wide and about five feet tall, she waddled up to the front breathing heavily sweating profusely as she made her way up, double chin jiggling in cadence to her footsteps.

“What the fuck do YOU want.” She pointed at me, spit flying everywhere.

Wiping the spit from my face I began to speak.

“Ma’am I was just trying to find out why I’m being charged three thousand dollars for this burrito.”

“Because you got guacamole, you dumb fuck.” Felicia responded.

“I still think three thousand dollars is ludicrous to be charge for…avocados isn’t gol…”

“Regular avocados that is what you mean, these avocados… this guacamole isn’t for mere mortals to the likes of you.” Felicia said cutting me off.

“Then what the fuck makes them so expensive?” I said slamming my hands on the counter. Gasps were heard everywhere in the room, the once crying baby stopped and appeared to be listening in as well.

The fat woman stood and stared around the room with menacing eyes.

The man next to me put his hand on my shoulder and said “Hey man, its okay we could all like pitch in.” Slow reassuring nods throughout the restaurant were made.

“No!” I shouted.

“I’m tired of getting fucked by this organization! You owe us an explanation lady!” I said pointing my figure back to Felicia.

“Fine.” Felicia said.

Felicia turns to the young cashier.

“Dim the lights.”

“It’s time you all know the truth.” Felicia said turning into the growing crowd.

I looked around in astonishment all races, all creeds, all colors, men, women alike, fire fighters, doctors, and policemen all fell silent to listen to the story.

Felicia leaned forward bracing her hands on the counter…trembling mouthing out words with no sound and then finally.

“Many, many, good people died for our avocados.” Felicia said holding back tears.

“I will never get to hold my husband again.” Felicia said finally breaking.

The young cashier moves to comfort her.

Drying the tears from her eyes using her stretched out shirt she begins to speak.

“We train tough men for this mission, all of them mercenaries usually former Special Forces soldiers from the United States Army. Sometimes we pull from other sources but those guys never make it, usually most of them don’t anyway.” Felicia said softly.

“Jesus, how much are you paying these guys?” I asked.

“Depends on their past experience but usually Fifty five thousand to sixty thousand dollars per trip. It’s good money sure… but the risk they take is extraordinary.” Felicia said.

“Most of these guys are harden men but they never come back the same, if at all. The location of our avocados is in San Pedro Sula, Honduras the most dangerous city in the world. If our men make it past of the hordes of gangs willing to kill Americans on sight, they still have to retrieve the avocados in a scared location that I cannot disclosed for fear of my life.” Felicia said slowly.

“It’s that serious?” I asked confusingly.

“I’m afraid so, Chipotle has a standing hit on any employee that discloses this information. This goes beyond to the highest levels of government. I don’t know where the trail ends, but it doesn’t matter anyway even if people did know the location. There still resides that mon….monster.” Felicia said trembling.

“What is it?” I asked inquisitively.

“It’s….”

Everybody in the restaurant seemed to lean in closer.

“It’s…it’s Honey Boo Boo’s mother.” Felicia said fighting back the tears.

“She just doesn’t stop eating, she’s impervious to bullets, bombs, and chemical warfare. Practically everything we throw at her. When the men get there, they don’t even have a slight chance.” Felicia said sobbing loudly.

“Why…why do you do this?” I ask shocked.

“Here at Chipotle we are required to only prepare our food with the freshest of ingredients. Thats the Chipotle initiative to best serve the customer to his or hers wants or needs.” Felicia said sobbingly

“Well…alright then.” I said extending out my debit card in one hand.

“Thank you come back soon.” Felicia said sobbing even louder.

May we never forget those who gave their lives in honor for this guacamole that smears my burrito tonight. Each bite I took was a painful reminder of those lost to the vicious Honey Boo Boo’s, each bite I cried a little bit more realizing how selfless those men were. If only there were more Americans like them, maybe this would be a better nation…hell maybe a better world.

But I do know one thing.

That was the best damn burrito I ever had in my life.

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