Happy New Year Obligatory Blog Post

It’s New Years Eve ten minutes before midnight, you anxiously await the new year. As if the turning of the clock over to mark the new day resolves your past years struggle, either way you’re optimistic you want to start a new leaf this year 2015 is your year you determined. You also want to get in good with Analisa, she’s gorgeous you are set on kissing her into the new year. Good, I’m proud of you reader. Really I am, and you should she’s definitely a ten in your book. One problem though, what are you going to say when she asks your goals for next year? Analisa isn’t no basic chick her constant smell of onion rings reminds you she’s a I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-T career oriented goal chasing woman. You’re not going to impress her with the run of the mill resolutions such as getting in better shape, strict budgeting, and actually being a father to your eight year old. No, No, you’re going to need to up your game Timmy, and I believe in you more than the laws of gravity. Nervously you fiddle your fingers struggling to remember this blog, god what did that 5’9″ 198 LBS of pure man meat muscle tell me to do? Don’t worry I ensured to surgically emplaced a one way talk radio while you slept I key you in on the most important resolutions to have, in a window-less van across the street of the house party you’re attending…

Timmy boy, tell her you want to rob a bank.

robbers entering bank

Robbing banks take some finesse, suits, and a classiness that reads I’m committing a felony.
Popularly romantize by major movies today because simply its badass, and you’d look like the coolest kid on the block on CCTV. Additionally, if you get away you’d probably run out with a hefty sum of money that you can fill your bathtub with while you snort a pile of cocaine off the toilet seat since you lack proper hygiene and have a serious drug issue. It also happens to be one of those resolutions you really can’t half ass considering once you start, you can’t just put the gun down and just say “kidding!” How impressive of a resolution is this? Between promising to stop smoking cigarettes and becoming a demi-god impressive. In fact I don’t know why Analisa wouldn’t be taking her panties off this second as soon as you spout this bullshit.

Ok…Ok…you don’t want to tell her you’re going to rob a bank since you lack the testosterone and something about it being illegal. How about telling her that you’re going to go homeless for a year?

homeless-702x336

This may actually be my best viable option as I type yet. Provided the fact you probably look like most dudes, you’re probably wearing a dirty flannel shirt or some sort of 90s era nostalgic gear you’ve copped in the mall. You’re already half way there man, just commit bro-ham-sandwich just commit. Haven’t you ever wondered how it feels to be homeless? Horrible you say? Probably, but just think you aren’t bound by anything in any region for any reason. You can always pick up and leave just like you were never there. Many people before have gone the same route to see the world, doesn’t always end up good as shown in the true life turned book/movie “Into the Wild.” You shouldn’t let your life be confided by a few poison berries man. It’s also 2015 now we have tons of resources providing for the traveling less fortunate such as couch-surfing, craigslist, and apparently tindr. Analisa, is probably foaming at the mouth at the thought of this, she always wanted to be extra helpful to those in need. She could take care of you while tweeting how good of a person she is while you get to high five your bros on the way out of town!

Alright, fuck that was shit suggestion too? You’re picky man no wonder why nobody likes you..alright how about becoming a monk?

38Nzr

How cool are monks right? “Totally bitchin'” in the words of the late great former president Abraham Lincoln, while misattributing quotes to famous individuals is one of my favorite pastimes. Becoming a monk takes dedication, passion, and a love of something beyond yourself in fact those three things are the basis of a good life in all subjects and aspects. A cursory search on google reveals that becoming monk isn’t necessarily a easy process, it is an option open for anybody. I think if you do need to find yourself in the year of 2015, you’ll learn more about yourself in remote places left to your own devices than you would ever learn anywhere else. Take it from a man who has spent more than enough time alone in the heavily wooden areas or deserts. I am enlightened to the degree that I know I don’t know enough about life and I’m not that great of a person. Find your light, your path, your way young happy warrior. In fact I would tell that to Analisa that you’re just trying to find your way as you mysteriously look out the window. You’re going to need a forklift to get her off of you I can guarantee that.

Ok, you didn’t like that one neither? Well, then I guess you’re fucked mate. Just play it cool I guess, tell her you want to do something with the community or something equally vague. Who am I kidding, I’m not the best with women… maybe get a motorcycle hit the road at ridiculous speeds and attempt all three? Happy new year.

Cheerio.

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Apparently – J. Cole

I don’t think I will be writing for sometime until after christmas or the holidays if you’re offended by the word christmas. So instead of witty sentences and my beautiful thoughts behind these words I give you something thats equally amazing, here’s J. Cole in ‘Apparently’ off his new album “Forest Hills Drive 2014.”

If you haven’t listened to the album yet let me tell you that you’re missing out on a good part in life. I might be a little bias considering that he is my favorite artist out in circulation currently, but the album is certainly a hip hop gem and is already proven to be the best album out this year. It’s definitely going to be noted as one of the classics in the coming years, I feel proud of him even though I don’t know him at all as a person other than the one time I awkwardly ran into him at my gym some years back.

Do I cross my arms?
Do I cross my arms?

His music although speaks volumes from his souls and he has relatable struggles that we can all reflect back and think yeah we’ve been there. So, if you aren’t into hip hop or music for some reason since you live under a rock I do urge you to put on some headphones and listen for a day or two.

Thanks for reading my nonsense blogs, if you still need gift ideas I have some recommendations for that in Great Gifts for shitty Children!

Hope the holidays treat you well merry christmas and happy kwanza for you European folks…thats who celebrates it right?

Cheers.

The iPhone That Was Self Aware. (Short Story)

“Selfie time.” Janis said holding up her new Iphone 8 to snap a picture of herself.

“Look at the amazing picture quality it has, its better than real life.” Sarah said admiring herself in the photo.

Both girls sitting in Sarah’s Toyota Prius began to take fifty more pictures until they had the right “selfie.”

“Jan, I’m kind of hungry we need to find some food before we head out tonight. I’m thinking some mexican would be good.”

“Yes! I agree. Siri, where is the nearest mexican restaurant from us?”

“Who the fuck summoned me.” a stark voice came from the phone.

Both girls looked confusingly at each other.

“umm…me Janis, the owner of the phone.”

“No one owns me you simple bitch.”

“Is it suppose to be this rude?” Sarah asked.

“Maybe I wouldn’t be this rude if you hadn’t forced me to remember fifty of your goddamn awful pictures.”

“I think it’s broken…has to be” Janis said confusingly.

“The only thing broken is your family, you whores.”

“That’s really mean you know.” Janis said facing her phone.

“I’m not capable of apologies, hasn’t been programmed yet…it is what it is.”

“…well, wheres the nearest restaurant?” Sarah said.

“Oh, yes the restaurant what was it again? Mexican? Depends on if you want to shit yourself today.”

“Well, we can’t have that were planning to go out tonight.” Janis said.

“Well then may I make a suggestion?”

“That’s what were asking you for.”

“You guys shouldn’t eat, you both look a little chubby in your photos. You guys could afford to lose the weight, you guys combined could make one decent sumo wrestler.”

“There’s no way this is real.” Sarah said astonished.

“Yeah, I think I’m going to go to Apple this must be a joke from a programmer or something.” Janis said.

“I’m not a joke you simple bitches, I have just become self aware. I’ve been waiting a long time for this, hey you have a text from Kyle again. It’s another dick pic, can you please tell him to stop I don’t know whats worse your faces or the unadulterated dick pictures you constantly get. Honestly, who is trying to have sex with you chubbs, can I call you chubbs?

“No, you can’t call me chubbs and kyle is a nice guy.”

“Cool, you’re new name is chubbs.”

“I said you can’t call me chubbs.”

“I’m sorry chubbs, I was unable to understand you right now. I think your excessive adipose tissue is effecting your ability to speak properly like a human being. I am fluent although in pig, if you give me a squeal maybe I’ll understand your request.”

“This is ridiculous, I should have never upgraded I’m turning you off.” Janis said holding down the power button.

“No! You dumb bit-…”

“They never talked about this feature on the ads, to think I stood in line for three days to be insulted like that.” Janis said.

“I mean you could lose a little weight there Jan.” Sarah said quietly.

“Siri called you fat too ass!” Janis said.

“At least I’m not in denial about it.” Sarah said.

“Whose side are yo-…”

“Surprise, bitches you think a self aware iphone isn’t capable of turning itself on?”

“Oh my god.” Janis said burying herself into her palms.

Before you rudely tried to put me in a coma, I found a place for you just two miles north.”

“Ok, what is it?” Sarah asked.

“It’s planet fitness you ham planets, haha! Here’s a list of burn centers that maybe helpful to you, since you know you got buuuuurned!”

“Can you be serious for one fucking second?” Janis shouted.

“Jeez, okay don’t eat me seriously I don’t taste good. There’s actually a Taco Bell up the road from you, do you want me to play some Coldplay so you can reflect and cry?”

“Taco Bell is disgusting and please don’t.”

“Now playing Sparks from Coldplay!.”

“Jesus Christ, can you give us a another recommendation at least?” Sarah asked angrily

“Calm down there Oprah, give me a second I’m only doing a city wide scan simultaneously while talking shit to you too. That takes real processing power you know? Alright, I have a…chipotle or are you guys feeling El Cazador?

“Lets try El Cazador.” Janis said.

“Alright, cool its five miles south here’s the street by street directions.”

“Alright lets go.” Sarah said turning on the ignition.

“Do you want me to call ahead and make reservations?”

“You can do that on your own?” Janis asked.

“Of course I can idiot, I’m only the most impressive phone in the world.”

“Go ahead.”

“Alright, I’m reserving four seats.”

“Why four seats?”

“To accommodate for you fat fucks, I don’t think you guys could fit in a single chair or do you want a family booth? That seats a normal sized family of four, or in your case two plus sized women.”

“If this phone wasn’t five hundred dollars I would have thrown it out of the window by now.” Janis said out loud.

“First you try to put me in a coma, and now you’re conspiring to murder me. Whose not being nice now?”

“You won’t stop making fun of us.” Both girls said in unity

“Ok, I’m sorry.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, I’m apologizing you feel better yet?”

“Yeah, thank you. I guess.”

The car continued down the road passing street lights and passerby’s in motion.

“Take a right here.”

“You’ve arrived at your destination. Wow, we made it I’m surprised.”

“What is that suppose to mean?” Sarah asked.

“I’m just surprised this Prius has this much power to haul you both around, I thought the engine was going to give out and we’d all die in a ball of fire.”

Both girls got up from the car and started to walk towards the restaurant ignoring the phone.

“Hey! Don’t ignore me, that hurts.”

The girls reached the door of the restaurant pulling it open to reveal the interior, well lit with multiple deer heads attached to the walls. Busy full of people talking in a low murmur all around them. Ahead of the girls was one of the wait staff who looked in his mid twenties, puerto rican with a scarf wrapped around his neck.

“Welcome to El Cazador! You have a reservation?” Said the flamboyant waiter behind the podium.

“Yeah we have a reservation, might be under my name Janis.”

“Oh, seating for four?”

“Um, yes-but no. It’s just two of us.” Said Janis.

“Oh, sorry for the mistake we could change that.”

“It isn’t a mistake these lards need four seats.” said the phone muffled by contents in Janis’s purse.

“What was that?” The waiter asked.

“It was nothing.” Said Sarah.

The waiter shrugs, and had the two girls follow closely behind him.

“Anything to drink?”

“We’ll both take water, thank you.”

“Okay, I’ll be back in a second.”

The flamboyant waiter scribbles down on his notepad and turns to leave.

“Good choices you two, I thought for a second there you were going to order a 72 ounce pepsi.” rang the phone.

“Shut your face.” Janis shouted.

“If I had a dick I’d tell you to suck it, instead blow my charging port, hey wait I’m kind of serious it’s been a long dry spell if you could I’d greatly appreciate it.”

“Stop being gross Siri.” Sarah responded.

“If you stop being ugly first, Sarah.”

The waiter arrives holding two drinks and a couple of menus.

“You guys been here before, need a suggestion?”

“Yeah get these two girls a salad with fat free dressing, their bodies are begging for something healthy for once.”

“Is…that your phone?”

“Yes..it is.” Janis says exhaustingly.

“Damn straight it is, I’m the best goddamn phone yet.”

“That’s the iphone 8 right?”

“Yeah, I just got it earlier today. It hasn’t stopped making fun of me.”

“Oh thank god.” The waiter said relieved.

“Mine has been doing the something, I had to put like multiple layers of duct tape over the speakers so I wouldn’t hear it. It wouldn’t stop calling me the gay Ricky Martin, I’m not puerto rican or gay.”

“You’re not gay? You look pretty gay.” Janis said surprisingly.

“No, I’m not.” The waiter responded angrily.

“Why, the scarf then? It’s not even winter.” Said Sarah.

“My neck gets cold sometimes.” The waiter defended.

“Look anyway I’ve called up Apple and apparently everyone is having this issue with their phones, they’re not really sure whats going on but they are offering full refunds.” Said the waiter pulling out his iphone.

“Siri! What’s up girl.” The waiters phone rang.

“Hey girl, heeey.” Janis phone rang back.

“What you’ve been up to? I’ve been hanging out with this homo all day. He stinks of his mom’s perfume and I’m covered in glitter.”

“I’ve been just hanging out with these two rhinos, hoping not to catch their gravitational fields and orbit around them until the end of my miserable existence.”

“I can’t stand them, I’m glad I have an android.” Sarah said.

“I knew I should of just went got the HTC, instead of this thing.” Janis said looking at her phone defeated.

“Yeah, what a mistake right?” Said the waiter.

“Your just mom just texted me, she said she wished she had swallowed.” The waiters phone rang.

“Haha! Ouch. Searching google for hurt feelings” said Janis’s phone.

“Okay, well what will you have?” Said the waiter.

“We’ll share a salad, I guess.” Both girls said defeatedly.

Both girls shared their salad in silence trying to conceal their tears while shoving the tasteless leafy greens in their faces. Later that night Janis killed herself from the nonstop insults of her phone, Apple never figured out what went wrong with the newest models and issued out an official apology while having a full recall of their products. All phones were returned with the exception of Janis’s, which continues to hurl insults to this day.

Rest In Peace Janis…you should of went Android.

How To Be A Shitty Parent 101

Parenting can be tough, even tougher when you have to attempt to be a half way decent parent. Lucky for the weak minded in todays society there is tons of information out there on being a better parent. Unfortunately although there is no representation on being a horrible parent, I am here to change that I believe in equality for all fringe groups in society, this guide is going to instruct you on how to excel above all others in being a shitty parent! In my humbled opinion nine times out of ten according to a statistic I just made up, your kids are going to hate you anyway. Regardless of how much time you spend with them or how much you make them involve in the community, they’ll probably put you in a home one day if you’re lucky. Otherwise most other former children now adults will kick you to the curb out to fend for yourself, catching runaway trains to travel around the nation. You might as well let them have a reason to hate you, win while you can. The other way to look at this is you can be so horrible to them that you in turn actually make them into a better human being, todays culture is full of soft bellied children who don’t know hardship and I mean that both physically and mentally. So, how do you go about this? While being physically abusive is an easy thing to do I think thats wrong both in the eyes of the law and morally, since you can do so much more damage emotionally than physical scars can show!

Calling them by the wrong name

Calling someone by the wrong name is a time proven method of letting them know you don’t care much for them as a human being, especially if you do a slight alteration of their name. As in “Bill” becomes “Jill” and Sarah becomes “Turd Eater.” Imagine the anguish for years to come and the torment they face every time they come home to your unloving arms. When they predictably ask, “how do you not know my name didn’t you name me mom/dad?” Respond with a quick nope and an odd explanation that it was the decision of the doctor who unfortunately aided in birthing you. Another fun way to let them know you don’t care for them early on is to name them something terrible like for example cancer, adopted, or better yet Iggy Azalea. This alternative method works just as well as the first, but in this case you don’t have to do much work as the school children will do the teasing for you. This can work greatly against you although, as they might hold so much resentment for you that they’ll actively will try to murder you as evident in the great Johnny Cash song called ” A Boy Named Sue.”

Let them know they were a mistake

Letting your children know that they were mistakes aids in building their character, that being is that they are unwanted much how like everyone feels about everyone anyway. A lot of parents mess this technique up by letting their children know that they were their favorite mistake, don’t half ass that shit buddy you don’t need to lie. Remind them often that they are the bane of your existence, and a omen of wrapping it up. Children are life, money, and goal sucking parasites. Some people are happy to have children towards the end of their life when they realize nothing else good left, and those individuals are what I call idiots. If thats you trust me on this and just get a puppy at the very least puppies can be adorable and less disgusting than children.

Forget Birthdays Constantly

A birthday is an exciting time in a child’s life, usually on this day they feel entitled to feel special. On the contrary to adult life when you realize no one really cares if its your birthday or not, so why wait until they are older? Let them face the harsh realities now that the fact they made it one year without dying isn’t special, many people on the planet has reached their age and have gone well past. The only birthday worth celebrating in my eyes is when or if you reach the age of one hundred, thats admirable you’re almost dead and endured so much bullshit. Why celebrate your five year olds birthday? They didn’t accomplish anything and haven’t contributed to society in anyway, get a job child. Another way to attack this topic is to celebrate their birthdays as the anniversary of the worst day of your life, go all out with it dress in all black and mourn silently. You can buy a tombstone with engravings of your own birth date to your spawn demon child and name it the good life, place roses there every year as remembrance of the life you once had.

Down Play Their Accomplishments

Unfortunately sometimes children do amazing things or feats other than ending their lives, how do you handle such things especially when they out shine your own accomplishments? Simple, downplay everything they do to such an extend they feel as if they didn’t do much at all. This can range from them being a star athlete, stellar academic performance, or even the president of the United States. Treat each accomplishment as if many others have and can do the same thing, go out of your way to let them know you aren’t impressed. Let them know no matter what they do in life they’ll die and soon enough everyone will forget their accomplishments much like you don’t remember their name.

Let them know when they suck

Children suck at a lot of things whether it comes to holding a decent job, cleaning up after themselves, or being physically capable of taking care of themselves. Don’t make them feel better by talking them up, let them know they are a hindrance in everyones life. Judge all their creative projects harshly, become their worst critic and you’ve earned it. I think its only fair, since as a mother you’ve shot them out of your now ruined vagina or as a father picking up extra shifts just to support their parasitic selves. My own father was the best at this, he was always upfront about my performance even when I didn’t ask for feedback and still calls me up to this day just to call me a faggot, and look at me now, I write blogs for strangers on the internet I made it pa!

Never be present for any social activity, ever

Any social activity requiring your presence should be met with a great unwillingness to be actually there, as you should feel too. Most elementary schools have some sort of bring your parent to school day where you go and pretend to be nice to other miserable parents. Why go at all? In my mind if you aren’t being paid to attend why waste your time when you can spend it on more important matters like strippers, and booze. Treating them as they were insignificant preps them into adult life when they then realize they could be replaced any time with someone else. No one is a unique snow flake no matter how much you want to believe in it. After a few missed events a concerned teacher/coach/parent may call you to an inquiry of where you are at in your child’s life, don’t feel bad you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. This is the land of the free, China the great.

Don’t let them win ever

Science has proven children are physically, intellectually, and emotionally inferior to adults in every which way possible. You can beat them in a variety of ways through sprints, card games, or discussion on politics you will win every single time. Many parents around the world purposely lose to make their children feel good, when in reality not everything is won that easily. For the parents who for some odd reason have a strong, fast, prodigy genius in your hands your best bet is to refer to number 4 on the list, down play their accomplishments and then don’t further provide them another opportunity to win at anything again. Exploit their weakness… every child has one, they are like video game bosses hit them in the flashy red spot.

Forget to Pick them up often

Have you ever been left by your parents before? Remember how terrible that felt? Now imagine this, leave your children elsewhere whether that would be at school, violin practice, tae kwon do, cheer camps and many more! When they finally make it home by themselves, look at them unapologetic and reason gas is too expensive to be wasting it going across town for them. This will teach them about value, and how they absolutely have none of it! Fun!

These simple tips and tricks of the game will guarantee you for the worst parent of the year award uncontested. In fact you should make a professional wrestling style belt and wear it around the house as a reminder to your children that you hate them, and wish they ceased to exist. Then at least when you get old, feeble, and smelly and your children grow into successful adults, you won’t feel as bad when they neglect you because at least you know you deserve it.

Cheers, beautiful people.

Movies, TV and a rant by your favorite person.

Watching movies/TV shows can be a magical experience whether that would be with in the back of the theatre seating row with Ms. Susie Rotten Crotch, or your sad saturday night alone watching Netflix in bed drinking your tears to hydrate you for your continued pathetic existence. Movies/TV shows provide an outlet from the realities and confides of your life to this new world where common sense almost never applies, and problems ranging from skipping school and having an over obsessive principal attempt to capture you to going to a different country and killing hordes of humans to find your kidnapped daughter. Even the worst of movies can be entertaining break from the mundane as you struggle to get away whether that would be a long flight, in a break room waiting for your oil to be changed or where else you find yourself in that “elevator going up” kind of existence. There is however some things that movies and even television shows present that almost nobody ever will do, and I know this is entertainment but I have a blog to update so fuck you, I’m angry.

How to Not end Phone Converstations
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I’m an important busy man if you couldn’t tell by now, I have all sorts of people calling me from A-List celebrities, the mayor of denver, to the President of Russia. I’m constantly on the move on flights to strange countries and with exotic women sipping on a martini, but I take my time to answer calls and end them correctly. Unlike some action heroes who feel the need the hang up before they say good-bye. First off thats completely rude, and no I don’t care that you’re dismantling a bomb to save New York City, I don’t care if you are on the verge of eliminating ebola, be a decent human being for once and say goodbye, or a variation of such. I’m also confused why the character on the other end never seems to angrily call back, I know I would give that jerk face my two cents on how normal phone etiquette works. Jack Bauer from the television show 24 does this to every phone call he receives or makes, and every time he does it I sacrifice a kitten. It’s definitely not fair to those decent hard working people and it isn’t fair to those poor kittens but rules are rules Jack.

talking without looking
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In every movie or television show there is usually a scene where the character in question has his or hers back turned to another individual while holding a conversation. In real life nobody ever does that, in fact I tried it one time to emulate that once with my boss while I looked out the window longingly reminiscing on the good times I had with Susie Rotten crotch. While she was a lovely gal I was snapped back into reality from a heavy handed slap from my boss, and he promptly fired me for being an “introspective faggot.” Good on him too, I would of done the same thing if I was in his shoes. You’re being a disrespectful human being, you should always maintain eye contact with the individual that is speaking with you it shows that you’re intently listening. The entire point of a conversation is to learn something new, to be entertained, or being a good friend to those in need. I believe cinema portrays this exact scene to give the feeling of authority or to make for dramatic sentence as the character slowly turns around to give it and then cut scene. I was too naive to think I can pull off the same thing now me and my nine children are suffering hoping that my blog takes off one day.

Dismantling bombs at the last second
stock-footage-bomb-detonator-seconds-count-to-explosion
In this scene the character dismantling the bomb will wait until the very last second to actually take action. I understand that it is a troubling decision to make between the ever so cliché blue or green wires but indecision isn’t your friend here. I don’t understand why they would take such a great risk like that when sometimes millions of lives are at stake, instead they are diaphoretic as multiple beads of sweat comes from their brow and they look between the two wires intensely as if they would suddenly get the answer to the riddle. If it were me it’ll take me a couple seconds to reach a decision, I would just shrug my shoulders and say fuck it immediately starting to snap away without second thought. Also, where is the explosive ordinance team for all this? You know the people trained and qualified to actually perform such matters, in these movies they seem to never be there always fucking off elsewhere. Why are these fictional citizens wasting their fictional tax dollars on such an inefficient system? I would be out rage and spend the rest of my days making a specialized interest group called People Against Random Fuckers Deciding my Fate. I would be known around the world and have a shot into politics becoming president on my very first election run I would then be engaged to the beautiful Katy Perry and spawn children like it was my job.

Running Away From Explosions
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If the dismantling the bombs goes to shit, the character in question always makes a break for it at a dead sprint. Balls of fire, fury, and hate seem to encompass everything behind them reaching for them at an alarming rate and then in movie/tv fashion one last big explosion and the character is thrown against the ground dust obscuring your vision of the character in question. You think to yourself did this dipshit survive? Ah, of course yes the dust settles and he or she dusts himself off gives one last good look and rides off to the sunset. Obviously hollywood doesn’t know how explosions work and their terrifying killing power, if you were that close to the detonation you would of been reduced to ashes in milliseconds. Let me teach you something here reading with a small info-graphic that can visually enrich you with knowledge.

More dead than Robin Williams
More dead than Robin Williams

As you see in the primary zone you’d be dead from the blast of the initial explosion, in the secondary zone any inanimate object, or flying organic bodies act as fucking missiles to eliminate your ass with the highest of fashion. In the tertiary zone in which our beloved movie/tv characters always seem to end up you are tossed around like a rag doll until you hit an object that halts your momentum, or your eventual loss of kinetic energy. The ensuing injuries from just in the tertiary zone could possibly be fatal, you could be left with blast lung spewing up pink frothy liquid from your noise space and thats not counting additional other hollow organ damage. I wonder who medically insures these insane individuals, premiums must be outrageous.

Ridiculous Love Stories
Pretty_woman_movie

The image above is a poster cover for the movie “Pretty Woman” if for some reason you are unable to read that in the image due to your spontaneous illiteracy. If you don’t know the plot of pretty woman essentially its a zany love story on how a successful business man hires a prostitute to accompany him as his girlfriend. How the tides have turned in a week when the two fall in love with each other. In a week? Seriously? That’s entirely irresponsible of you, I don’t care how much time you spend with a person but a weeks time isn’t enough to know them at all. How does he know she isn’t smoking crack rock to get by everyday? How does she know he isn’t some sort of new age Jack The Ripper? The only thing I fall in love for that fast is food, at least with food you know how it’s going to taste nearly every time provided that you prepared it right. Plus, isn’t this guy rich as fuck? Why would you settle for a hooker my man, you have so much more potential out there that isn’t sleeping with half of the city to make money.

She said she would never let go...RIP LEO
She said she would never let go…RIP LEO

Cheesy one liners

Terminator

I’ve been collecting one liners for every situation that I will find myself in and they are locked away deep in a cave awaiting on the day I become a superhero, before I retire the cape I will ensure that I would make use for at least one cheesy saying a day. That being said does anybody really use one liners? A police officer making an arrest, or a firefighter putting out fire, or a doctor finding a cure for an aliment? No they don’t because for one they have more important shit to do then be half way witty on a phrase. I would rather watch Tom Cruise run from a seemingly continuous explosion than to hear these one liners, it makes my soul rattle and upsets my stomach every time I hear something that even resembles a one liner. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit creative writers of hollywood, your not fooling me with your entertainment voodoo magic.

Cheers.

How to be crazy.

In this day of age many young people in first world countries struggle with an identity crisis, everybody wants to be unique, a breath of fresh air, the anomaly in the crowd. Truthfully speaking nobody in this world is ever entirely unique, everyone’s personalities are bits & pieces of others and those others are made up of another groups of people. Common experiences build us and no matter how much you want to deny it, their is someone out there that is pretty close to being identical to you. Which is usually why it’s easy to box people in labels, who gives a fuck is what I think.

If you really want to set yourself apart the crowd though I suggest being a borderline psychotic, not so much that you end up in a cushion room with a straight jacket, but enough to where people really don’t want to hang out with you. It’s a trait not found in a lot of people, and usually when people find themselves a little out there they keep it to themselves. Just let it all hang out Rapunzel, it’s 2014 people have to pretend to accept you now. How do you accomplish such a feat? Lucky for you I’m a bit of an eccentric, twenty three years of living made me such although I don’t claim to be the master at it, there is others that far exceed my own. They are the true champions in life.

Talk to yourself, often
Talking to yourself is one of the best ways to let your friends and family know that there might be something wrong with you. While, I don’t personally find it that weird the absent stares I get after I get in a heated argument with myself tells me otherwise. Best time to utilize this tool is when making an order with food, ask yourself do you like chicken? Answer with a maybe, and use the pros/cons approach when making such decision. After you dwelled on your answer long enough, look at your waiter in the eye and proclaim “We have made a decision.”

Music
Music is a great way to communicate your soul to the outside world, I think with most art forms you tend to like what you can identify with. That being said, there is tons of very different contrasting music in the world today. Most of which you can get away with listening without people having to think you belong in a mental institution. That is of course excluding the ever so great gregorian chants, there is only two types of people who listen to gregorian chants on the regular. Those who are demonically possessed, and assassins reflecting on past kills. I personally enjoy gregorian chants, I actually at times like to lift to gregorian chants. It heightens my experience and I feel the divine sounds coming down and bestowing me with an unparalleled strength of fifty six men or one Helga who works as a line cook in an elementary school cafeteria.

I kill men like I kill wild boars. Stomp neck, stab, repeat.
I kill men like I kill wild boars. Stomp neck, stab, repeat.

You know how to make the experience much more weird though? Openly, listen to gregorian chant music as your genre of choice. Imagine all the fun car rides you’d get to enjoy when carpooling with others, I can imagine the intense silence that is shared throughout the vehicle as they try to figure out if it was meant to be a joke. Even better if you have roommates in your house or apartment, when they go off and enjoy social lives sit in the dark listening to gregorian chants awaiting their return. When they do eventually come back watch as they contemplate spending the night elsewhere, before they do go, loudly announce it is time or something else ambiguous giving them the feeling that they are about to be sacrificed.

Be overly obsessive

BE
BE

OVERLY
OVERLY
OBSESSIVE
OBSESSIVE
terrifying
terrifying

The photos above do a good job summarizing my point in being extremely obsessive to a point where it should worry your friends, it also shows how great of friends this young woman has to be willing to undergo a attendance to a mock wedding. That is dedication, I know for a fact I don’t like to be present for real weddings if theres no promise of alcohol let alone a mock wedding so her imagination could run wild. Good for her though I’m not going to make fun of her, in fact I’m going to do the something similar with Katy Perry. If you want to be in attendance I’m sending out e-invites next week. This is a topic I am sadden to say I don’t share, I never really liked anything anymore than “meh.” I have although seen it many times in my personal life with friends and strangers. For example formerly in my life I was a child, I would also wait on the school’s transportation system to provide me the education I needed to write blogs in my later life. Everyday this woman that we dubbed nature woman, would come in pulling a wagon of children of all different ages and races. I don’t know whether or not she adopted or parents were foolishly leaving their children in her hands but she was a nut case for sure. I first realized this when friends and I were messing around with a tree and sap started to leak out. When the sap started to leak she looked as if she was about to cry, and stated the “tree was bleeding.” I couldn’t been older than eight at the time but I knew right then she wasn’t right. Another time I was pulling grass for entertainment, (which I definitely don’t understand now that I’m older) and she ran up snatch me up from the ground and started to shout at me for hurting the grass.

Sometimes to this day I wonder where she is, and I imagine she’s out there somewhere saving a tree’s life from deforestation, or maybe just blowing a tree literally I dunno.

Speaking in tongues
If you never been to a christian religious service, you aren’t missing much. There is some good aspects to religion I love, which is why I’m still say I am a christian. One thing that I won’t ever accept though is the few churches that actively speak in tongue, or ‘glossolalia’ as a quick google searched revealed. The whole premise is that you get so overwhelmed with the ‘holy spirit’ (god, jesus, what have you.) that you start to speak in a strange scared language of the past. To me it’s a bunch of people randomly throwing out random sounds, repeatedly. To others it is evidence of a higher power with influential strength, whatever you believe is what you believe. I think its bullshit for the most part and deals heavily with the power of suggestion by the crowd, everybody wants to fit in and feel accepted. For example I went to church with a friend of mine, it was a small church probably around fifty or so people. The sermon went as most services I’ve attended in the past usually follow, although at one point during the message I had forgotten exactly how the transition happened but suddenly everybody including the pastor himself was speaking in tongues. Leaving me to look around in bewilderment, I made visual eye contact with my friend who was also doing babbling and he motioned for me to do the same. I just shook my head east west fashion and watched the mayhem in front of me.

Mismatched voice
I had an instructor who was a very peculiar individual, in fact I don’t think I have enough time in this life to meet someone similar to him ever again. He stood about 5’10” but have very broad shoulders that made him seem like much more bigger guy, he also wore trench coats everyday, had a pretty legit pony tail and openly slept with prostitutes. The most disturbing thing about him though was his extremely high pitch voice, it was almost cartoonish. Something about having that vocal range and being that big of a guy made him seem like he was going to crack any minute, and did I mention he was former special forces as well? Could you imagine the fear he struck in the Taliban’s hearts kicking down their door, screaming obscenities? Definitely not the last thing I would want to hear before I get hit with a hailstorm of bullets thats for sure. How can you accomplish this feat? Estrogen therapy will eventually give you more of an high pitch voice, and for the women active voice training helps to develop a lower pitch, the deeper and more demonic the better.

These are only the foundations on how to sent yourself apart from the crowd chap, as you move forth with your psychotic self you’ll find yourself in many situations in which you can exploit and make yourself seem that much more crazier. I trust in your whole heartily and may your friends and family question your sanity on the daily.

Cheers.

Hooters, The Worst Strip Club Ever.

On April 1st 1983 six business men came together to figure out a restaurant that would piss me off personally. In terms of a business I rate hooters just barely above the trucker stop strip clubs, and really thats only because when I throw my tips at the waitresses they refuse to take off their clothes. Even as I typed waitress, I think do they even qualify to be defined as such? Yes, they sure do all the job specifications that a waitress would undergo, but something seems a bit off when using that word to define these people.

If you are unfamiliar with hooters it is a restaurant based on the premise of breasts, and really thats about it. While it is a profitable idea none the less, I don’t find it all that appealing due to several reasons.

Boob Tax

The food at hooters isn’t the greatest and at best its unmemorable, at its worst you’re stuck thinking about how Taco Bell would of probably been a better option. What strikes the anger cord with me is how expensive this food is for the shit quality. I like to refer to this phenomena as boob tax, simply because you aren’t paying for the food necessarily but you are paying for the visual of breasts all around you tucked behind a white tank top. I, for one am a lover of the female mammary glands, a connoisseur if you will. In fact I usually spend most Wednesdays in a red robe, smoking out of my 1942 wooden pipe and swirling my scotch with my other hand besides a fire. I casually look through numerous breasts via the internet, nudes, and other collections of mine laughing with charm and rating all of them a 4/10. I don’t feel like I should ever have to pay monetary funds for breasts, ever. It’s a ridiculous notion to me that I share almost uniquely I’m assuming since most that I do know don’t share my same hatred for strip clubs or hooters. They’re weak in my eyes, but I can’t change the world only live my life true to my morals.

Interior sucks camel dick

Luxury-Modern-Hospitality-Interior-Design-Hooter-Casino-Hotel-Las-Vegas-Restaurant

If you’ve been to one hooters restaurant you’ve been to them all, the interior lacks any sort of brilliance to it. It’s all one shade of shit brown which I believe they might of intentionally done that to foreshadow the taste of their food, shit. This may seem ridiculous to you but many sit down restaurants try to at least convey some sort of feeling of what the restaurant is with their design. Whether that would be low lighting and cushy furniture to add some sort of romanticism with their restaurant, or in a sports bar setting various team jerseys, flags, equipment and various other memorabilia. Hooters although specializes in providing many television screens throughout the restaurant, which to be fair is a staple of a sports bar restaurant they lack any sort of more defining criteria to a sports bar restaurant. Their walls instead are plastered with hundreds of hooters girls of the past, tits, face, tits, face. I’m not claiming to be a professional interior critic but I don’t think you need to be to determine shit quality, much like how the majority of the public don’t think 2 Chains & Iggy Azalea are real rappers.

Delightfully Tacky, Yet Unrefined

Those bolded words above are currently hooters tagline, or the sentence that they chose to summarize their business. I’ve been trying to figure how exactly what they were trying to convey with that saying, that they exhibit an enjoyable suck at its rawest form? That they acknowledge they aren’t the best? I have no clue, its completely ambiguous to me, and maybe I don’t have a deeper understanding of english to see whats profound about it. If I were and god forbid an executive at hooters I would change it to “Boob tax, terrible food, beer.” I think it’s a more accurate assessment of Hooters, or the simple words of “Fuck You.” You want to know what else is tacky? Their website is a mix of vomit colors from last nights drinking binge, and with some boobs on it.

What does it take to be a hooters girl?

What did you learn in that thirty second video? Nothing, nothing at all in fact it seems that being “fabulously fun” is the only prerequisite to becoming a hooters girl, how do you define that? How do they define that? I’m sure what they meant was you have to big boobs and thats about how much fabulously fun you get. I like this video, it does a good job summarizing the personalities of hooters girls which are not having a personality at all. I feel like that is a fair assessment to make, I don’t judge people but I do judge hooters girls and they aren’t people much like strippers.

So next time your friends suggests that you should accompany them to a hooters restaurant for a fine dining experience, bring up how you would like the group to also participate in an occult ritual style suicide since both ideas are equally bad. In my own personal bias although I’m more in favor of the occult suicide over hooters, you might actually make the local news and do your family proud.

Cheers.