It’s New Years Eve ten minutes before midnight, you anxiously await the new year. As if the turning of the clock over to mark the new day resolves your past years struggle, either way you’re optimistic you want to start a new leaf this year 2015 is your year you determined. You also want to get in good with Analisa, she’s gorgeous you are set on kissing her into the new year. Good, I’m proud of you reader. Really I am, and you should she’s definitely a ten in your book. One problem though, what are you going to say when she asks your goals for next year? Analisa isn’t no basic chick her constant smell of onion rings reminds you she’s a I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-T career oriented goal chasing woman. You’re not going to impress her with the run of the mill resolutions such as getting in better shape, strict budgeting, and actually being a father to your eight year old. No, No, you’re going to need to up your game Timmy, and I believe in you more than the laws of gravity. Nervously you fiddle your fingers struggling to remember this blog, god what did that 5’9″ 198 LBS of pure man meat muscle tell me to do? Don’t worry I ensured to surgically emplaced a one way talk radio while you slept I key you in on the most important resolutions to have, in a window-less van across the street of the house party you’re attending…
Timmy boy, tell her you want to rob a bank.
Robbing banks take some finesse, suits, and a classiness that reads I’m committing a felony.
Popularly romantize by major movies today because simply its badass, and you’d look like the coolest kid on the block on CCTV. Additionally, if you get away you’d probably run out with a hefty sum of money that you can fill your bathtub with while you snort a pile of cocaine off the toilet seat since you lack proper hygiene and have a serious drug issue. It also happens to be one of those resolutions you really can’t half ass considering once you start, you can’t just put the gun down and just say “kidding!” How impressive of a resolution is this? Between promising to stop smoking cigarettes and becoming a demi-god impressive. In fact I don’t know why Analisa wouldn’t be taking her panties off this second as soon as you spout this bullshit.
Ok…Ok…you don’t want to tell her you’re going to rob a bank since you lack the testosterone and something about it being illegal. How about telling her that you’re going to go homeless for a year?
This may actually be my best viable option as I type yet. Provided the fact you probably look like most dudes, you’re probably wearing a dirty flannel shirt or some sort of 90s era nostalgic gear you’ve copped in the mall. You’re already half way there man, just commit bro-ham-sandwich just commit. Haven’t you ever wondered how it feels to be homeless? Horrible you say? Probably, but just think you aren’t bound by anything in any region for any reason. You can always pick up and leave just like you were never there. Many people before have gone the same route to see the world, doesn’t always end up good as shown in the true life turned book/movie “Into the Wild.” You shouldn’t let your life be confided by a few poison berries man. It’s also 2015 now we have tons of resources providing for the traveling less fortunate such as couch-surfing, craigslist, and apparently tindr. Analisa, is probably foaming at the mouth at the thought of this, she always wanted to be extra helpful to those in need. She could take care of you while tweeting how good of a person she is while you get to high five your bros on the way out of town!
Alright, fuck that was shit suggestion too? You’re picky man no wonder why nobody likes you..alright how about becoming a monk?
How cool are monks right? “Totally bitchin'” in the words of the late great former president Abraham Lincoln, while misattributing quotes to famous individuals is one of my favorite pastimes. Becoming a monk takes dedication, passion, and a love of something beyond yourself in fact those three things are the basis of a good life in all subjects and aspects. A cursory search on google reveals that becoming monk isn’t necessarily a easy process, it is an option open for anybody. I think if you do need to find yourself in the year of 2015, you’ll learn more about yourself in remote places left to your own devices than you would ever learn anywhere else. Take it from a man who has spent more than enough time alone in the heavily wooden areas or deserts. I am enlightened to the degree that I know I don’t know enough about life and I’m not that great of a person. Find your light, your path, your way young happy warrior. In fact I would tell that to Analisa that you’re just trying to find your way as you mysteriously look out the window. You’re going to need a forklift to get her off of you I can guarantee that.
Ok, you didn’t like that one neither? Well, then I guess you’re fucked mate. Just play it cool I guess, tell her you want to do something with the community or something equally vague. Who am I kidding, I’m not the best with women… maybe get a motorcycle hit the road at ridiculous speeds and attempt all three? Happy new year.