Hooters, The Worst Strip Club Ever.

On April 1st 1983 six business men came together to figure out a restaurant that would piss me off personally. In terms of a business I rate hooters just barely above the trucker stop strip clubs, and really thats only because when I throw my tips at the waitresses they refuse to take off their clothes. Even as I typed waitress, I think do they even qualify to be defined as such? Yes, they sure do all the job specifications that a waitress would undergo, but something seems a bit off when using that word to define these people.

If you are unfamiliar with hooters it is a restaurant based on the premise of breasts, and really thats about it. While it is a profitable idea none the less, I don’t find it all that appealing due to several reasons.

Boob Tax

The food at hooters isn’t the greatest and at best its unmemorable, at its worst you’re stuck thinking about how Taco Bell would of probably been a better option. What strikes the anger cord with me is how expensive this food is for the shit quality. I like to refer to this phenomena as boob tax, simply because you aren’t paying for the food necessarily but you are paying for the visual of breasts all around you tucked behind a white tank top. I, for one am a lover of the female mammary glands, a connoisseur if you will. In fact I usually spend most Wednesdays in a red robe, smoking out of my 1942 wooden pipe and swirling my scotch with my other hand besides a fire. I casually look through numerous breasts via the internet, nudes, and other collections of mine laughing with charm and rating all of them a 4/10. I don’t feel like I should ever have to pay monetary funds for breasts, ever. It’s a ridiculous notion to me that I share almost uniquely I’m assuming since most that I do know don’t share my same hatred for strip clubs or hooters. They’re weak in my eyes, but I can’t change the world only live my life true to my morals.

Interior sucks camel dick

Luxury-Modern-Hospitality-Interior-Design-Hooter-Casino-Hotel-Las-Vegas-Restaurant

If you’ve been to one hooters restaurant you’ve been to them all, the interior lacks any sort of brilliance to it. It’s all one shade of shit brown which I believe they might of intentionally done that to foreshadow the taste of their food, shit. This may seem ridiculous to you but many sit down restaurants try to at least convey some sort of feeling of what the restaurant is with their design. Whether that would be low lighting and cushy furniture to add some sort of romanticism with their restaurant, or in a sports bar setting various team jerseys, flags, equipment and various other memorabilia. Hooters although specializes in providing many television screens throughout the restaurant, which to be fair is a staple of a sports bar restaurant they lack any sort of more defining criteria to a sports bar restaurant. Their walls instead are plastered with hundreds of hooters girls of the past, tits, face, tits, face. I’m not claiming to be a professional interior critic but I don’t think you need to be to determine shit quality, much like how the majority of the public don’t think 2 Chains & Iggy Azalea are real rappers.

Delightfully Tacky, Yet Unrefined

Those bolded words above are currently hooters tagline, or the sentence that they chose to summarize their business. I’ve been trying to figure how exactly what they were trying to convey with that saying, that they exhibit an enjoyable suck at its rawest form? That they acknowledge they aren’t the best? I have no clue, its completely ambiguous to me, and maybe I don’t have a deeper understanding of english to see whats profound about it. If I were and god forbid an executive at hooters I would change it to “Boob tax, terrible food, beer.” I think it’s a more accurate assessment of Hooters, or the simple words of “Fuck You.” You want to know what else is tacky? Their website is a mix of vomit colors from last nights drinking binge, and with some boobs on it.

What does it take to be a hooters girl?

What did you learn in that thirty second video? Nothing, nothing at all in fact it seems that being “fabulously fun” is the only prerequisite to becoming a hooters girl, how do you define that? How do they define that? I’m sure what they meant was you have to big boobs and thats about how much fabulously fun you get. I like this video, it does a good job summarizing the personalities of hooters girls which are not having a personality at all. I feel like that is a fair assessment to make, I don’t judge people but I do judge hooters girls and they aren’t people much like strippers.

So next time your friends suggests that you should accompany them to a hooters restaurant for a fine dining experience, bring up how you would like the group to also participate in an occult ritual style suicide since both ideas are equally bad. In my own personal bias although I’m more in favor of the occult suicide over hooters, you might actually make the local news and do your family proud.

Cheers.

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I AM WHO I AM (TEN COMMANDMENTS OF GENIUS)

God came to Moses as a burning bush according the stories of the bible, when Moses asked who he was God replied with “I am Who I am.” To summarize the interaction between Moses and the burning bush(god). God gave Moses the Ten Commandments for all human beings to live by, a set of rules if you will.

Worst. Acid.Trip. Ever.
Worst. Acid.Trip. Ever.

Whether or not you believe in the various stories of the bible or a religion at all, I for one would have done things differently if I was in God’s position. First, I would of dropped the whole lame burning bush idea and came in as a ten foot tall man with impeccable abs, biceps the size of basketballs, and pectorals for days. Think of the more accurate depiction of a browner Jesus with long flowing herbal essence locks of hair.

Way more swole though.
Way more swole though.

I would also be naked with a twenty inch dong, just swinging away in the wind much like that blue guy from the movie/comic Watchman. (Which by the way had way too many penis shots to my liking.)
I would also have the voice of Barry White so you’d be never sure if I was just talking to you or trying to seduce you. I would then give a more modern verison of the Ten Commandments for all of humanity to follow, and then use my large penis as a propeller much like a helicopter and fly away into space with that deep baritone laugh heard for miles. What’s my version of the Ten Commandments? Glad you ask. With that horrible transition lets move on to this beautiful man’s Ten Commandments!

THOU SHALL NOT STAND IN FRONT OF THY MIRROR
Gym mirrors are great many moons ago, I didn’t really understand its purpose but now with me sitting at one hundred ninety seven pounds of man meat I understand. It’s purpose is to constantly boost your own ego while lifting, you see while I’m working out I can see my awesome pump and admire my gains. Yet, without fail some unblessed asshole has to stand in front of my reflection while he/she works out on his. This especially bothers me when there is so much other space to admire yourself without blocking the view of others, can’t you see I’m lost in my own beautiful eyes and YOU SIR ARE DISTURBING MY PEACE. I have and probably will never mediate but I imagine the feeling is similar, I feel at one with myself and with others yet when this takes place it stops the record short. This is probably how wars started in throughout history.

THOU SHALL NOT SCREENSHOT MY SNAPCHATS
Snapchat is a fun app if you’re tired of sending picture messaging through the conventional means, also you can update your “story” to show all your friends how boring and uninteresting your life really is, no more speculation! Yay! A couple years ago I was involved with this woman and like all things it ended. We are in that weird zone where were not really friends but still converse every now and then, long story short I was sent a snap of her and I returned with a snap of myself. She’d screened shot a picture of my face, and thats pretty creepy for someone you aren’t interested in. I called her out on it asking for her reasoning behind it, which she responded with so she can stare at it before she sleeps. That isn’t cool at all and its borderline psycho answer to me, so now I travel around my city constantly looking over my back. If I get murdered all I’m saying is it’s a good chance it was her, tell the feds.

THOU SHALL NOT WORKOUT IN FRONT OF THE DUMBBELL RACK

Your standard dumbbell rack
Your standard dumbbell rack

If you never seen a dumbbell rack because you’re under hundreds of pounds of Dorito/Cheeto dust and you need a crane to move yourself from your bed to the bathroom, I provided a picture above since I’m a really nice guy. The dumbbell rack is a great invention its purpose is to house the various weights in a organize matter, much like a bookshelf its for men and woman with class. Although, some people don’t seem to understand the logic behind choosing your weight and scooting away so that another person maybe able to retrieve dumbbells of their choosing. No, these people who I believe have their own special place in hell choose to be dickheads and decide here’s a great place for me to do shoulder shrugs for thirty seven minutes straight. Can you imagine the agony of waiting for this dipshit to finish while you think of creative ways to murder their existence without getting in trouble with the law? Answer to that as found out recently is a chokehold FYI.

THOU SHALL NOT TAKE WHORISH PICTURES ON SOCIAL MEDIA FOR ATTENTION
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As much as I do enjoy seeing revealing body parts of the various women I once knew/don’t know in my lifetime. I don’t enjoy these pictures based on the fact its pure trickery and another part is that I can’t myself replicate this photos showing a little bit of dick. Most girls all across social media do this, but there is a certain extend when its pretty unreasonable. For example, I once knew a girl who would take photos much like this. She was one of those fake fitness models that did maybe a crunch every other day, and ate celery. She posted up a picture of her “abs” showing half her boobs, and then promptly complained of all the “thirst.” Which is a term when you attract “unwanted” attention from the opposite gender. Are you fucking crazy? You maybe able to speak if you took a normal photograph of yourself, but listen bitch you’re half naked of course these dudes are going to come flocking. Another issue is the guys that like this in hopes they might one day be able to stick their meat tubes in this chick one day, listen guys she isn’t going to fuck you. She is just whoring for likes and a ego boost for the day. Yet, this is a daily compounding problem that needs to stop soon.

THOU SHALL NOT SNAPCHAT YOURSELF URINATING
Another snapchat commandment, and yes this is real. I have a friend or I should just say a weird acquaintance who for some reason thought it was appropriate to send a snapchat video of himself urinating to me. I for one don’t have any friends who I like enough for this to be an excusable thing, not only its not funny it is disgusting, especially when you’re not expecting it. This also makes me question you as a person, your morals, and the ethics you standby. From that day on I spent most of my life trying my best to avoid this individual, there is no saving face for that.

THOU SHALL NOT SPEAK TO ME WHEN READING
I like to read every now and then, I believe it keeps me sane. Whether its from a actual book or I’m reading one of the blogs I follow, I like to focus my brain 100% into that activity. I don’t think you’re doing anything justice if your half assing it, especially when it comes to reading someone else’s work. Yet, it seems when I do this in a public place someone has to have a conversation with me. I’ll make it into a point by answering short and never looking up from what I’m reading with my middle finger up to show that I am currently not interested in engaging in conversation. Some people just don’t stop and are obliviously to what you’re doing or they in fact know what you’re doing and just keep distracting because they hate you. People like to claim they can multi-task, I don’t believe it but if it is how you run your life by then so be it. Just leave me alone please.

THOU SHALL NOT WASTE UNNECESSARY TIME ORDERING FOOD
Going out to eat can be a fun and exciting experience, you get to selflessly shove your face with foods you were too lazy to make. The taste even made sweeter knowing that their kids starving to death while you choose one of a hundred items to choose from. Understandably, if its your first time visiting a restaurant you want to carefully decide on what entree you can be gluttonous on. On a fast food drive-thru though you should already have an idea of what you are going to eat before you get up to the plate. I have been stuck many times behind an indecisive asshole pondering meals as if it was their last, just let me get my grilled stuff burrito and cry in peace!

THOU SHALL BE UPFRONT AND HONEST WHEN ASKING HELP FOR A MOVE
Moving anywhere sucks period, you shifting through your pile of garbage trying to figure out what you need and it’s a stressful activity. Enlisting the help of your friends can provide a beneficial experience to the move, much laughs to be had, and much labor to conduct. Look, I’m not a bad guy if you need moving I’ll be more than happy to offer my hand, what I don’t like is when I’m asked in a sort of foot-in-the-door way. Approaching me asking for just a favor and then beating around the bush about it is a waste of time, I also don’t like when I’m told its only ” a few things” even though I should know by now that people lie a lot. I’m lead to believe it’ll be a simple move but yet you have a storage unit filled with shit and I’m the only friend that came in to help. Also slightly unrelated when I ask for your honestly I expect 100% the brutal truth on any matter I ask of. Coddling people on feedback gets them no where and where can you improve if you have nothing to improve on?

THOU SHALL GIVE FIRM HANDSHAKES
A handshake to me is everything it symbolizes a contract, a friendly bond, and rigid badassery in general. Although sometimes handshakes can be weak sometimes you grab fingers, some times its weak contact and you should be by divine law required to re-do that handshake again and part ways as if nothing happened. Nothing is worse than a weak handshake and I mean nothing no genocide, racism, or anything else evil compares to the agony of knowing a weak handshake took place. It ruins my day and I’m spent the rest of the hours in deep depression wishing I could just take back that moment.

THOU SHALL GIVE HIGH FIVES
When I present you the opportunity to a high five, I expect a high five in return in full force. High fives should hurt, and you should feel the stinging pain for hours. To not return a high five should be the highest disrespect on the law of the land, you should be able then to challenge the person in question to a death match above a impeding exploding volcano. Being the person who doesn’t return a high five doesn’t make you look cool, you just singled yourself out as one of the worse types of people in the world. Even Hitler himself would just shake his head in shame of your inaction to return a high five.

Cheers.

(for more ridiculousness follow my twitter @whoshitinmytea)

How To Manhood.

In recent years we have witness a growing emasculation of the male populace, whether that be due to it being acceptable to wear skinny jeans, write poems, or star as a thousands of year old vampire who falls for a high school student. In which everybody else except for Stephanie Meyer and her fans consider it kind of pedophile-ish.

Where's Chris Hansen for this?
Where’s Chris Hansen for this?

I’m not saying I was above any of it, I too had suffered from being less than male at times. I worn skinny jeans once, it was a dark period of my life and my therapist believes all my issues stem from it. The question is what can we do about it? Well I have an idea to take back our manhood with force with the elegance of a drunken sailor….obligatory fuck yeah.

Duels!

Fancy
Fancy

Let us as men collectively set back society hundreds of years! Bring back dueling. Every man should carry at least one white glove for purposes of slapping someone into a challenge and challenge everything you can. Whether that’ll betting on sports team, who gets to call shot gun, or to who is buying the next round. We will eliminate the usage of guns and instead replace them with bamboo sticks for the two duelist, that way you can challenge your friends without ever feeling bad about murdering them.

Jousting!
jousting 2

Communities should constantly hold Jousting tournaments, bi-annually to decide who is the most alpha of the bunch. Fun for all as it can become once again a spectator sport, fun for the whole family! That way everyone can figure out whose dad is better, effectively eliminating the old school elementary argument you are bound to get into.

Raw Steak Consumption!
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It should be mandatory for every man of all ages to teething infants that they are required to eat steak as raw as possible. Also, without the use of utensils while eating men should only grunt in a inaudible language much like our predecessors before us. This will enrich our primal selves in many ways that we cannot accomplish without being shamed by societies “standards.”

Tribal Paint!

Gangster as fuck
Gangster as fuck

Every man should be required to wear a form of tribal paint that denotes where the individual is from. This should serve as a great reminder that we are warriors bent on destruction at all times. We should also create big bonfires where we chant in a demonic possessed language such as french, and we do strange interpretive dances in front of rival tribal enemies.

Komodo Dragons!
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Every man should be charged with hunting and killing a Komodo Dragon with their bare hands, and to bring back the head of the slain Komodo Dragon on a stick to place in front of their house as a lawn decoration. Why Komodo dragons? For one dragons is in the name so sentences like, “I just killed a dragon.” Can hold common place in everyday conversation, two they are pretty fucking terrifying so that alone is pretty manly to me.

Hair

so much soul
so much soul

Every man should grow out their hair to unreasonable lengths, facial hair and pubic hair too. We should not be required to shave for anyone even for a convenience of our own. We should maintain a homeless look as much as possible, and make every attempt to grow dirty dreadlocks the smeller the more man it is.

Death Metal!
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Every man should be required to listen to death metal, and death metal only. Sorry Death Cab For Cutie fans, you’re going to have to replace your soft emotional songs with the hard guitar riffs of band names such as ‘Dying Fetus.’ Funny how you probably already guessed Dying Fetus was death metal due to their name, off that point any up and coming death metal band should come up with equally as fucked up names such as ‘Kill Grandma in the Back Yard, AfterBirth Yum Yum, and Lady Gaga.

Survival!
Everest_North_Face_toward_Base_Camp_Tibet_Luca_Galuzzi_2006_edit_1

Every man at the age of five should be left and required to survive desolate locations of your regional choice as a parent. Whether that would be in the Himalayan Mountain tops, vast deserts, or the Amazon Jungle only the most toughest of five year olds will survive a year out there and come back a stronger man, possibly a little fucked up in the head too.

All these suggestions and more will guarantee hard generations of men to come for years. Even Clint Eastwood might be proud.

Cheers.

Anti-Vaxxers.

Every year around this time stupid people are given a platform to speak on anti-vaccination. Every year I have to hear some one who is in my social circle speak on the horrors of vaccination, and its only purpose serves as a money making machine.

Funny how none of these people are medically qualified in anyway, not even at the lowest levels emergency medical responder who have no clinical medical training whose skill sets involve practically just CPR. It’s always some dude name Rick your next door neighbor spreading disinformation collectively making this hive mind of stupidity. You’re next door neighbor isn’t qualified for SHIT to speak on vaccinations. Yes, there is some sort of risk involved with vaccinations and the largest part of that is being allergic to the vaccination, which isn’t caused by the vaccine itself per se but an overreaction from your immune system. That is literally all what allergies are.

So lets talk about a really dumbed down version on how your immune system works, think of a bunch of roided bro’s traveling through your blood stream hyped the fuck up for its next fight. A flu shot is given which is a weaken or dead form of the virus itself, your immune system recognizes something foreign and calls all the troops to march forward and attack that shit.

Attack it does, your body destroys that virus with extreme prejudice like those police officers on Rodney King. This is where the benefits of vaccinations take place, after a fight with the foreign organism your system recognizes how to effectively combat the virus. So, next time the same virus wants to stroll around in town your body has reserves ready to combat that motherfucker to the grave.

Cool right? Here’s the other deal with your immune system, after some time your system will “forget” how to go about into attacking that virus. But, with everybody else vaccinated you develop a “herd immunity” since no one is carrying the virus anymore you effectively eliminated the chance for a severe outbreak.

The only way that works is if the majority of the population is vaccinated against the strand. So, by being the hard headed dumbass who is against vaccination you aren’t only creating a problem for yourself but potentially a problem to the entire society. Additionally, influenza (flu) mutates rather quickly which is why there is a need to vaccinate every year since new strands of the flu develop, your vaccinations from two years prior isn’t going to help much.

There is home remedies some people claim by, I can tell you 95% of it is bullshit. Just think about it, doctors/scientists have been working on this for hundreds of years if sucking a camels dick vaccinated you effectively we probably be all in line to blow a camel. I don’t understand the logic of going against careful proven testing to go off on a chance that your neighbor Rick who isn’t medically qualified is right over them.

So, next time you want to drawn up conclusions on your own on how this is part of a big conspiracy globally against all humans. Do yourself a favor a use google and read up a little bit on it, compare points on both sides and don’t limit yourself to your own personal bias also, ASK someone who actually studied this in detail they can provide you better information than the deniers.

It’s cool that you’re not taking in anything at face value but don’t go against the grain if you have nothing substantial to place your claim on.

Cheers, bitches.

I am Jack’s Amazing Cardio (Reasons Why You Should Run Today)

Since the dawn of the early humans, running had played an large part in hunting wild game. Due, to relatively recent advances of todays world unshapely human beings get to waddle into survival everyday. As in no human this year or anytime recent had to ever chase down a fleeting Big Mac to survive the next day of mundaneness.

Every year new inventions are made to make us more lazy and less effective hunting animals, every year more of our children suffer from obesity to well into adulthood. We are creatures who hold a special ability to run a very long distance at a consist pace, when afforded the opportunity to get out of our vehicular cages. In fact there is still groups of people that practices this technique of distance running by chasing wild game into a point of exhaustion and finishing the animal off with a spear.

How badass is this?

I, myself, still practice a form of this through courtship rituals. I race my friends occasionally and when I predictably win, I of course being the better hunter, the better fit to pass on my superior genes to future children win a chance at sleeping with their wives. Usually their wives don’t comply but thats neither here or there we both know in our hearts that I am better.

You’re probably thinking well thats a relief, I don’t see any other reason to run, and thats when I slap you with wisdom that you’ll only find from an asian on top of a mountain with a long flowing greying beard.

He also enjoys writing horoscopes, and fortune cookies from Panda Express.
He also enjoys writing horoscopes, and fortune cookies from Panda Express.

Camping!

When pulling out goes wrong.
When pulling out goes wrong.

Some of my friends enjoy camping, some of those friends I know are pretty stupid and the rest of them I’m highly suspicious of being stupid. Being out in the wilderness isn’t fun, we developed homes, air conditioning, and washing machines for a reason. While individuals feel more in touch with nature and feel like they can feel the positive vibes of the earth inseminating them, giving birth of more hippy garbage. I can attest as a man who spent many weeks away from civilization sleeping on the cold ground for weeks at a time without a sleeping bag, being “one” with the various insects, animals, diseases that you come in contact with is Mother Nature is not your friend. Mother Nature hates you, your stupid family, and everything you stand for. Mother Nature will actively try to find new devious ways to murder you as you constantly battle the elements.

But if the day comes when I finally have friends and they invite me out to camping, sure I’ll take them up on it. I will enjoy my time with those liked individuals much like normal people do, I will first although make sure I am the fastest runner in that group of individuals.

Why you ask? Simple, Grizzly Bears.

FUCK HUMANS
FUCK HUMANS

While it is impossible to out run a Grizzly bear unless you have some means of faster travel such as a car. You don’t have to worry about that, what you do have to worry although is you out run all your friends. Animals normally attack the weakest link or in this case the slowest individual and as long as you’re not last you’re first in life. So, while your friend is violently getting mauled and being eaten alive you can thank me while giving high fives to the rest of the surviving party.

Police Officers!

Obviously isn't much of a runner.
Obviously isn’t much of a runner.

If you are ever in the mood of participating in any sort of various illegal activities such as drinking underage, jay-walking, and littering. Running may be the solution for you! You can scream obscenities, and taunt in a hilarious game of catch & chase. Let’s be honest here most officers are in less than stellar condition, this sort of behavior is ideal in a relatively low crime rate city with lackadaisical officers. WARNING DO NOT ATTEMPT IF THE FOLLOWING IS MET: YOU’RE A MINORITY, HIGH CRIME CITY, THE COP IN QUESTION LOOKS LIKE HE EATS ROIDS FOR BREAKFAST You might catch several bullets to your back, face, or get beaten to the next year.

Running Shoes! pDSP1-14954622p275w

Admit it you’ve been a loser all your life, your mother constantly looks at you asking the doctor if its too late to have an abortion, your father wished he would of just got head that night. It’s too late though for any of that now, stop looking back on the past you tell them as they drop you off that fire station for an orphanage to claim you. You don’t have much going for you is what they tell you at the orphanage, they are considering putting you down.

But wait!

You see those slick murdered out Merrill’s in the display case of that hipster running store you hear so much about, you point them out to the cashier and he responses with “Good choice BRoOoO.”

You take them out for a spin everyone is looking at you, yes YOU. You feel goddamn sexy, and as you should, you run into no other than Rihanna who is also wearing a Merril’s running shoe.

perfection.
perfection.

She looks at you longingly

You play it cool

“Nice shoes” She says.

You give her a wink, she blushes and hands off a piece of paper with her number on it.

You give it a call, its her.

You go to her place.

Forward 20 years later Rihanna still looking flawless, you haven’t had any children so life is perfect. You’re rich as fuck, having sex with a angel everyday, you die a happy man.

You’re welcome.

Friends!

no.
no.

You have millions of friends all across the globe, all wanting to be you, all wanting to be on you. You win the Nobel Peace prize twice in a row, Time magazine has made you person of the year. They compliment you everyday on your great cardio, and you look down on them smugly and if one of them gets too in shape? Fuck them you don’t need them, you have others to replace those assholes.

In conclusion your life will probably improve 3000% with adding a running regiment to your otherwise sedentary lifestyle, in a year from now some of you will be thinking of me wondering where I went. I don’t want the lime-light I’m merely here to help people like yourself and others who are struggling day to day, my life is already awesome enough.

Cheers.

Why Chipotle’s Guacamole is so fucking expensive.

“Seven dollars and eighty five cents is your total sir.” The young woman said, positioned behind the cash register.

“Oh, I’m sorry… I had guacamole with that.” I said reluctantly, glancing up and making eye contact with the young woman…a bead of sweat drops off my brow.

“Oh..” She says while nervously pressing buttons on the cash register.

“Your total…your total, oh wow your total is…three thousand dollars and eight five cents sir.” The young woman stammers nearly in tears.

The restaurant went quiet nothing was heard but a babies muffled cries as the mother tries to comfort the child.

“Three thousand dollars?” I asked in astonishment…

“…and eighty five cents, sir.” The young woman nervously replied.

“Can I speak to your manager? This is ridiculous.” I said suppressing my growing anger.

“Yes, sir one second.” The young woman said.

“FELICIA! FELICIA!” yelled the young woman behind her.

“Yes?”

“We need you up front…its about the guacamole again.”

“Oh fuck me.”

From the back of the kitchen came a gargantuan woman who looked about to be a pick up truck size wide and about five feet tall, she waddled up to the front breathing heavily sweating profusely as she made her way up, double chin jiggling in cadence to her footsteps.

“What the fuck do YOU want.” She pointed at me, spit flying everywhere.

Wiping the spit from my face I began to speak.

“Ma’am I was just trying to find out why I’m being charged three thousand dollars for this burrito.”

“Because you got guacamole, you dumb fuck.” Felicia responded.

“I still think three thousand dollars is ludicrous to be charge for…avocados isn’t gol…”

“Regular avocados that is what you mean, these avocados… this guacamole isn’t for mere mortals to the likes of you.” Felicia said cutting me off.

“Then what the fuck makes them so expensive?” I said slamming my hands on the counter. Gasps were heard everywhere in the room, the once crying baby stopped and appeared to be listening in as well.

The fat woman stood and stared around the room with menacing eyes.

The man next to me put his hand on my shoulder and said “Hey man, its okay we could all like pitch in.” Slow reassuring nods throughout the restaurant were made.

“No!” I shouted.

“I’m tired of getting fucked by this organization! You owe us an explanation lady!” I said pointing my figure back to Felicia.

“Fine.” Felicia said.

Felicia turns to the young cashier.

“Dim the lights.”

“It’s time you all know the truth.” Felicia said turning into the growing crowd.

I looked around in astonishment all races, all creeds, all colors, men, women alike, fire fighters, doctors, and policemen all fell silent to listen to the story.

Felicia leaned forward bracing her hands on the counter…trembling mouthing out words with no sound and then finally.

“Many, many, good people died for our avocados.” Felicia said holding back tears.

“I will never get to hold my husband again.” Felicia said finally breaking.

The young cashier moves to comfort her.

Drying the tears from her eyes using her stretched out shirt she begins to speak.

“We train tough men for this mission, all of them mercenaries usually former Special Forces soldiers from the United States Army. Sometimes we pull from other sources but those guys never make it, usually most of them don’t anyway.” Felicia said softly.

“Jesus, how much are you paying these guys?” I asked.

“Depends on their past experience but usually Fifty five thousand to sixty thousand dollars per trip. It’s good money sure… but the risk they take is extraordinary.” Felicia said.

“Most of these guys are harden men but they never come back the same, if at all. The location of our avocados is in San Pedro Sula, Honduras the most dangerous city in the world. If our men make it past of the hordes of gangs willing to kill Americans on sight, they still have to retrieve the avocados in a scared location that I cannot disclosed for fear of my life.” Felicia said slowly.

“It’s that serious?” I asked confusingly.

“I’m afraid so, Chipotle has a standing hit on any employee that discloses this information. This goes beyond to the highest levels of government. I don’t know where the trail ends, but it doesn’t matter anyway even if people did know the location. There still resides that mon….monster.” Felicia said trembling.

“What is it?” I asked inquisitively.

“It’s….”

Everybody in the restaurant seemed to lean in closer.

“It’s…it’s Honey Boo Boo’s mother.” Felicia said fighting back the tears.

“She just doesn’t stop eating, she’s impervious to bullets, bombs, and chemical warfare. Practically everything we throw at her. When the men get there, they don’t even have a slight chance.” Felicia said sobbing loudly.

“Why…why do you do this?” I ask shocked.

“Here at Chipotle we are required to only prepare our food with the freshest of ingredients. Thats the Chipotle initiative to best serve the customer to his or hers wants or needs.” Felicia said sobbingly

“Well…alright then.” I said extending out my debit card in one hand.

“Thank you come back soon.” Felicia said sobbing even louder.

May we never forget those who gave their lives in honor for this guacamole that smears my burrito tonight. Each bite I took was a painful reminder of those lost to the vicious Honey Boo Boo’s, each bite I cried a little bit more realizing how selfless those men were. If only there were more Americans like them, maybe this would be a better nation…hell maybe a better world.

But I do know one thing.

That was the best damn burrito I ever had in my life.