It’s six am on christmas eve, you had forgotten you had kids up until this point. They had been barely keeping themselves alive with trashed scrapes of ramen noodles and plastic cups with left over beer from the massive kegger you had last night. You think to yourself how did I become such a cool parent? I’m never in my child’s lives. Then you realize you fucked up, you didn’t buy them any gifts for christmas.
While the only hope the children have of you are some kick ass gifts you think to yourself, man I don’t know these people at all. In fact you even start to question if these are your children since they are so ugly looking and gross. No worries they probably are, all children are gross and ugly looking despite how those commercials depict them.
Now what? You immediately log in your computer being careful to exit out of that midget porn you were watching last night. You get on wordpress and search hipsters…hipsters….hipsters on wheels! You remember suddenly that deviously handsome young man with biceps the size of the Sears Towers. “He must have advice for me somewhere” you think to yourself, yes…yes I do wanderer welcome to my blog. Here’s some good gift ideas for your shitty children.
A Pellet Gun!
Teach your children the most awesomest freedom of America, GUNS. Start them off slow with a pellet gun and work your way up to M107 Barrett .50 Sniper Rifle in one day. Use your neighbors pets & children as target practice, believe me no one cares for them. On the flip side if you don’t like your kids leave them alone in the park for awhile, maybe an hour at tops before an officer of the law to shoots your children dead!
A Funny T-Shirt!
This method will only work if you have two mistakes instead of just one. Have both mistakes wear this T-shirt and stand face to face to each other silently looking into each others eyes until they get it. Once they both realized they aren’t loved predictably they’ll cry since children are weak willed and are easily agitated, thats when you let them know they can be dropped off at a fire department at anytime no questions asked!
A Razor Blade!
Perfect gift for your emotional teenager who can’t seem to get it right, although this can be an acceptable gift for all ages. You’re going to want an individual that tumblrs so they can make sixteen thousands posts and upload a couple songs of spill canvas before they do the deed.
Nothing says I hate you and kill yourself better than a gifted razor blade!
Just a simple hallmark card don’t leave any money or any extra writing to it, leave it bare minimum ideally make sure you use the wrong gender for you children..i.e. daughter gets a “great son” gift card and your son gets “thanks for being a faggot” gift card. Good gifting since it teaches them right away in a slow matter the harsh realites in life, where nobody is seriously going to think of them that much when choosing a gift.
A great gift if they are stupid and still believe in Santa Clause, but an even better gift if they don’t. Imagine the face your young teenager will make looking at you questioning if he is experiencing reality, there you are sitting high and smug with your fresh pot of vodka you warmed up this morning. “Sorry son, looks like you’ve been a piece of shit this year as well!”
In conclusion these gifts above are cheap, relatively easy to obtain, and your children will love you for them. If you really don’t want to go out of your way to buy gifts this year, don’t. There is always next year and what does it matter, they’re probably sending you to nursing home anyway. Got to win when you can is what my father used to always say when he gave me these gifts, and did I become a better man? No. But thats besides the point.