The Devil. (Short Story)

“It’s great that my uncle let us used his backyard to camp out tonight.” Said Bobby enthusiastically.

“Yeah, its great.” Said Damien.

“Is everything okay with you?” asked Bobby worryingly.

“uh, yeah! I’m fine, I was just mesmerized by the fire.” Said Damien reassuringly.

“Right, I love fires something about them.” Bobby responded.

“It’s definitely something could you imagine the first person to discover fire? How scary that would of been to see that?” Said Damien eyes still locked on the flames.

“He probably tried to fuck it.” Said Bobby, both boys erupt with laughter.

Their laughter filled the quiet darkness of the North Carolina woods, a starry night filled the sky and when their laughter subsided the crickets as if on que began to chirp.

Damien looks over at Bobby, “You know you can find out the temperature outside by counting the chirps of crickets for fourteen seconds and then adding forty. ” Said Damien.

“Bullshit, I want to see this done.” Said Bobby.

“Do you have your phone on you?” Said Damien

“No, what for?” Said Bobby.

“To double check the temperature, I’m going to prove you wrong.” Said Damien

“Ha! Okay, I’ll be back give me five minutes.” Said Bobby getting himself up dusting off dirt from his shorts.

As Bobby walked off Damien kicked his legs out, laid down and began to stared at the starry sky, he held his watch out in front of him and started the timer. He started to count the chirps out loud watching the digital clock spew out a frenzy of numbers before one second elapsed. One, two, five, eight he began to trail off closing his eyes feeling himself sleep.

Damien found himself dreaming of the same North Carolina woods he physically laid in. The chirps were distorted & menacing now, he got up and looked around at the growing impending darkness that look as if ready to swallow him.

He heard a commotion in the heavy brush around him.

“Bobby, are you around?” said Damien

The rustling stopped momentarily.

“Must be the wind.” Damien thought to himself.

A figure in the dark began to emerge from the bushes seemingly making no noise, movements erratic as if fighting for control.

“Bobby?” Said Damien.

The figure stopped moving, keeping itself in the shadows.

“I’m not afraid of you.” Said Damien nervously, clutching a small pocket knife.

The figure and Damien fell silent for what seemed like eternity, the crickets chirps with crescendo to deafening levels. The ground seemed vibrant as if a low earthquake was occurring, the once starry night sky began break away into a violent red.

The figure in one swift motion threw an object that rolled swiftly to Damien’s feet.

Damien wanted to run but felt frozen in time, he looked at the ground.

“Bobby…?” Damien said weakly, eyes widen in horror.

Next to his feet lied Bobby’s head, dismembered without the accompanying body cuts jagged around his neck as if cut with a dull knife.

Damien was unable to physically move himself at this point, he began to panic and started to shout for help.

Bobby’s head had begun gasping at the sight of Damien which frightened him more, he could see tears coming down Bobby’s face.

The figure began its erratic movement towards Damien.

“Stay the fuck away!” Damien yelled.

The figured continued to trudge forward unflinchingly, step by step time seemed to move slow.

The chirps from the crickets began to pick up speed.

The figure moved closer, the crickets chirped faster.

The figure moved closer, the air got warmer.

Damien began to sweat profusely, he was uncomfortably warm.

The figure emerged in the light wielding a small pocket knife doused in blood.

“What the fuck…” Damien said trailing off.

The figure was no other than Damien himself staring back at himself, although his doppleganger bore strange marks on his face.

“Wake up, ass”

“Hey you fuck get up.”

“Wake up, fucker.”

Damien awoke to Bobby hovering over him with his phone glowing at his face.

“Did you count?” said Bobby.

“Count what?” said Damien confusingly.

“The chirps, ass” said Bobby laughing.

“Oh, yeah my guess is 78.” Said Damien slowly getting up from the ground.

“Oh wouldn’t you know its actually 79, looks like your little trick is a bunch of bullshit.” Said Bobby half-jokingly.

“That’s really amazing though, didn’t think that’ll work.” Bobby said.

“Yeah, its cool.” Said Damien.

“You cool man? You look like you just ran a couple laps.” Said Bobby.

“ha, yeah I’m fine just still mesmerized by this fire is all.” Said Damien.

“Well, I’m going to go sleep its getting late.” Said Bobby grabbing his sleeping bag.

“Night Bobby.” Said Damien without breaking his gaze.

Damien watched the flames as they danced into the night, getting brighter and warmer accompanied by the accelerated sound of crickets chirping.

Damien took out his pocket knife and began to cut his face.

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Great Gifts for shitty children!

It’s six am on christmas eve, you had forgotten you had kids up until this point. They had been barely keeping themselves alive with trashed scrapes of ramen noodles and plastic cups with left over beer from the massive kegger you had last night. You think to yourself how did I become such a cool parent? I’m never in my child’s lives. Then you realize you fucked up, you didn’t buy them any gifts for christmas.

While the only hope the children have of you are some kick ass gifts you think to yourself, man I don’t know these people at all. In fact you even start to question if these are your children since they are so ugly looking and gross. No worries they probably are, all children are gross and ugly looking despite how those commercials depict them.

Now what? You immediately log in your computer being careful to exit out of that midget porn you were watching last night. You get on wordpress and search hipsters…hipsters….hipsters on wheels! You remember suddenly that deviously handsome young man with biceps the size of the Sears Towers. “He must have advice for me somewhere” you think to yourself, yes…yes I do wanderer welcome to my blog. Here’s some good gift ideas for your shitty children.

A Pellet Gun!

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bitchin’

Teach your children the most awesomest freedom of America, GUNS. Start them off slow with a pellet gun and work your way up to M107 Barrett .50 Sniper Rifle in one day. Use your neighbors pets & children as target practice, believe me no one cares for them. On the flip side if you don’t like your kids leave them alone in the park for awhile, maybe an hour at tops before an officer of the law to shoots your children dead!

A Funny T-Shirt!

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This method will only work if you have two mistakes instead of just one. Have both mistakes wear this T-shirt and stand face to face to each other silently looking into each others eyes until they get it. Once they both realized they aren’t loved predictably they’ll cry since children are weak willed and are easily agitated, thats when you let them know they can be dropped off at a fire department at anytime no questions asked!

A Razor Blade!

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Perfect gift for your emotional teenager who can’t seem to get it right, although this can be an acceptable gift for all ages. You’re going to want an individual that tumblrs so they can make sixteen thousands posts and upload a couple songs of spill canvas before they do the deed.
Nothing says I hate you and kill yourself better than a gifted razor blade!

A Hallmark Card!
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Just a simple hallmark card don’t leave any money or any extra writing to it, leave it bare minimum ideally make sure you use the wrong gender for you children..i.e. daughter gets a “great son” gift card and your son gets “thanks for being a faggot” gift card. Good gifting since it teaches them right away in a slow matter the harsh realites in life, where nobody is seriously going to think of them that much when choosing a gift.

Coal!
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A great gift if they are stupid and still believe in Santa Clause, but an even better gift if they don’t. Imagine the face your young teenager will make looking at you questioning if he is experiencing reality, there you are sitting high and smug with your fresh pot of vodka you warmed up this morning. “Sorry son, looks like you’ve been a piece of shit this year as well!”

In conclusion these gifts above are cheap, relatively easy to obtain, and your children will love you for them. If you really don’t want to go out of your way to buy gifts this year, don’t. There is always next year and what does it matter, they’re probably sending you to nursing home anyway. Got to win when you can is what my father used to always say when he gave me these gifts, and did I become a better man? No. But thats besides the point.

Cheers.

Admirable Men & Women.

Everyone has heroes whether real or fictional and some peoples are better than others. I am better than you and my opinions are treated like facts by royalty. In fact once the President of the United States of America looked at me personally right in my beautiful eyes and said thank you once before.

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What for? Doesn’t matter just know that it happened accept it and move on just like how you don’t question the laws of gravity.

Back to my original point before you distracted me with your existence. Here are some of the following people I admire, find cool, or want to emulate when I become a real boy!

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Cameron Hanes

World class bow hunter Cameron Hanes is about as manly as you can get if you put two roided freaks in a room and one of them gave birth to a baby somehow, his goal is to be the ultimate predator. Which so far he has proven time after time again. He hunts dangerous game with a weapon that essentially has been used since the dawn of time, and is so proficient at hunting with said weapon he earned himself a sponsorship with under armor. To prepare for long treks on carrying cuts of meat with him, he trains with an eighty pound ruck that he takes up a mountain and down.
He also dabbles in weight lifting and is a pretty massive dude that also participates in numerous marathons which is a mix you rarely see.
The only downside to him is that he listens to a ton of country music, but we all have our issues.

Anderson Silva

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Anderson Silva doesn’t look like much if you had no context to who he is, but hope you brace your face for a series of punches. This guy is the Michael Jordan of MMA, there’s not a lot of fighters that match up to Silva’s talents as made event to his lack of guard in some fights. He would just drop his guard and avoid punches by standard bobbing and weaving I don’t know about you but I would never do that for anybody random, especially a guy who has been training for months just to fight you. Last time I dropped my guard in a fight my five year old cousin beat my ass so bad, and I was subsequently disowned by my family for being a bitch.

Dana Bailey
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The beautiful strong as shit Dana Bailey is another person I admire for the simple fact she’s a chick that body builds, she participated in the 2013 Ms Olympia Physique competition and won first place, participated again this year and got second but its okay she’ll be always first in my heart. She also happens to be married by some dude I don’t like very much since he’s hogging the love of my life all to himself. Together they are smart entrepreneurs and started up a company called “Flag Nor Fail.” Kind of a never surrender (flag) and never fall short (fail) philosophy, they sell all sorts of things from T-Shirts to cutting boards, and promote a generally healthy life style that you don’t see much of in America these days.

Heres Their Website.

Joe Rogan

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Comedian, Actor, MMA enthusiast, podcastor. There is plenty of things Joe Rogan is involved in that may surprise you. I didn’t follow him much before but I had been listening to his podcast for the past two years now and I have been impressed with it (mostly). Sometimes, he has opinions/stances that are short sighted or dumb, but he has and does change them when presented new facts and doesn’t hold on to his old beliefs rigidly like most people today do. He also takes charge of his podcast very well and incorporates very interesting people to talk with him all the time, some notable mentions are Cameron Hanes, Dr. Rhonda Patrick, Amber Lyon, and Joey Diaz. Another is he is always willing to try new things out isn’t afraid of challenges as noted by his black belt in jiu-justu, taekwondo, and blue belt in Judo.
You can catch the Joe Rogan Podcast here

Death.

Everything was so sudden nearly instantaneous, I gripped the wheel tight in anticipation for the crash. T-minus 1, I thought to myself “why did this dumb bitch ran the light?” As we collided the front of my honda civic caught the tail end of the woman’s Toyota Prius, causing her to fish tail towards my direction.

I was driving fast, dangerously fast as I begun to feel my body lift from my seat with nearly no effort I knew right then I wasn’t going to make it. I had forgotten to put on my seatbelt, something I’m normally good at but didn’t do today. Hell, I don’t even travel down this side of town often due to traffic closures this was my only route home.

Head first out through my windshield I felt the initial crack with excruciating pain but as the rest of my body passed the pain went away almost immediately, I questioned whether I felt anything at all. As I was in the air time seemed to slow, I felt suspended defying gravity looking at the shocked woman who was still trying to gather what happened. Not much to my surprise the laws of physics were at play as I flew what seemed hundreds of feet across I can still hear the sound of twisting metal, breaking plastic, and tire screeches. I hit the asphalt on my left side hearing my bones crush against the hard surface, I didn’t feel anything. I bounced up once again and smashed the ground with the front of my body hearing various snaps of bone all over, I dragged to a stop.

I heard the fading shouts from what seemed to be a pedestrian nearby, it didn’t matter I was dying soon. The ground pounded with heavy footsteps coming towards my direction, more inaudible shouting but I was at peace. What proceed next I couldn’t explain as my vision began to haze out, a bright flash of colors some of which I had never seen before and then nothing.

I seemed to awoken from a deep slumber in an unfamiliar place, unknowing of how much time has passed between the accident and now I began to look around in amazement. There was no ground, no ceiling no boundaries at least what appeared to me just pitch blackness. There was a strange light in the distance, I began to stare at it as I was realizing it was closing distance. In what felt like a second I was face to face with the strange light blinding me initially, it had began to seemingly hover in place it looked like gelatin suspended in this blackness emitting a low blue light.

Whatever this thing was felt alive, without a face it was hard to tell but it seemed inquisitive of my presence. “Are you suppose to be God?” I asked somewhat doubtful of an answer back. “No.” a booming deep voice echoed back. I paused for a few seconds trying to recollect myself, it was now I had began to notice I was bodiless or at least what could resemble of human.

“Then what are you, and what is this place?” I asked quietly trying to hide my fear.

“I am a guide merely a representation of it, this is what your kind calls the afterlife although no one stays here for long, except for me. I am here to help you transition to your new life.” The blob responded.

“Whats your name?” I asked.

“Thats irrelevant you won’t be here for long for it to matter.” quickly said the blob.

I was getting frustrated. “Then, what is “it” am I dead and what new life?”

It is what you referred to as god although I think your kind has a wrong impression of it. It has no emotions, or a particular care of what you do, it doesn’t exist on this plane but resonates everywhere here and with you, and other life forms elsewhere. I don’t know much admittedly other than we are all connected to one thing or it. You are dead in the sense of what you believe what death is, but it isn’t what it seems no one really dies as of yet at least. You will come back as one of the various life forms as you have done before, to further serve the purpose of it.” Said the blob.

“Do I have a choice in the matter?” I asked.

“No.” said the blob

“What’s its purpose?” I asked.

“That’s irrelevant, you won’t be here for long.” said the blob.

“You gave me a in-depth answer before, I feel like you could provide me an answer to at least one more question.” I asked.

“Fine, like I said it’s irrelevant. When you transition to your new life all of this will be lost to you along with your past life. I don’t know much I’ve only existed here for a fraction of time, I assume I was much like you & your kind before or some other thing, although I have no memories this might be your fate one day to serve as a guide as I. What I believe is that we are just “it” experiencing itself, “it” wants to feel happiness, pain, sadness, anger, war, peace and everything else that makes up the daily occurrences of life as well as death. It seems although the more I do know the more I realize I don’t, I stopped trying to comprehend…your time is up.”

Before I could contest I felt myself falling, or what at least I thought was falling. A series of bright colors covered my vision and then nothing.

I felt hands touch my scalp out of a dark cave I came out, immediately into a bright room full of people I haven’t ever met before. Blankets covered my entire body I was rubbed vigorously, I was warm. The people around me began to talk in a strange language that seemed familiar to me once before, I begun to notice how everyone seemed to be a giant in comparison to me. A strange ointment was rubbed into my eyes, as soon as I begun to cry it was dried off. I was taken from a mans hands to a woman who brought me to another woman laying on a bed. She looked down at me loving, I stared back into her she looked familiar.

“Hi, Damien I’m so happy to see you finally.” The young woman said holding me close.

“Irrelevant.” I had thought.

Black

Being first generation in America comes with its challenges on its own, being a first generation black man in this country is difficult. I never once identified with a culture, I’m some sort of hybrid between an Ethiopian, my skin color, and how I was raised which was neighborhoods of mostly caucasian individuals.

In all my life though I haven’t never forgotten I am black. Multiple instances in my life it had always came up in question. Whether it was me not fitting in stereotypical roles of a black man, or to me not being obviously welcomed in some places because the color of my skin.

Despite how much I want to separate myself from my physical appearance it always comes down to one thing, I’m black or I should say nigger. Totally non-human no name just a derogatory blanket term for all black people even though all of us individually greatly differ from one another. It doesn’t matter where you are from if you are a dark skinned individual you fall under this category as well.

Recent events have shown the true colors of some people in this nation and to turn around and say racism doesn’t exist is nonsense, we have made great strides since the start of the civil rights movement of course but we still have people hidden in the shadows on forums more than willing to call the President of The United States of America a dirty fucking nigger.

You don’t have to look far to see this type of behavior on popular sites like reddit & twitter you’ll see these sites bombarded with black hate, openly. At least reddit has some sort of anonymity to it (as if that makes it better) but on twitter people proudly claim the hatred for black people right next to their display picture as if saying “fuck you, I’m proud of my statement.”

The prime time to see this in action will be in February during of course black history month. Tons of people have to chip in with their two cents on how much they hate black people and how we should all go back to Africa. Comparisons to apes, the black jokes, to sometimes even violent crimes are just brought out. Does that make sense to you?

I’m not justifying the riots in Ferguson there’s no question in my mind that it was more destructive than good and served as a confirmation to people’s bias towards blacks, also I’m sure a good bit of the participates were in it for purely nefarious reasons. That doesn’t change the fact there is unrest within black America, and that was small expression of that. I rather have a riot like that than the many riots that happen after big sports wins which are completely trivial in comparison.

google it

Stan-Collymore

I’m not looking for any apologist and nobody is or should be, you shouldn’t feel bad about being white, mexican, asian, green or orange.

We all live hard lives, we all die and get buried somewhere six feet under while worms eat at us. The only way we can ever move past this is we stop getting suckered into race and we shame the media for portraying it one way or another.

Officers in America

America the home of the free and land of the brave. We should also add that we are the land of unnecessary police aggression, granted we aren’t as bad as some other nations but when officers are shooting twelve year olds to death in parks something has to change.

To give you some insight to this video shown here his Tamir Rice the twelve year old kid who is waving around a pellet gun in a park, he probably shouldn’t of been doing that since A. He’s black and B. waving around anything that looks like a real gun is asking for bad things to happen.

What gets me though in this video is how quick the officers in question were at in reacting to this, they just drive up and murder him right then and there. There isn’t any warning, theres no stand off its just one squad car with two cops coming in and murdering a child on video tape.

I understand self preservation above all else. No one is asking you to die in this situation but how much more differently could have this situation played out if they devoted a little bit more resources to this scene? They could have blocked off the roads on both sides so he has no where to go, they could have distance themselves further just at twenty five meters I could almost guarantee no one would have been hit with a bullet.

This past year alone there has been so many examples of an over aggressive police force quick to shoot, rather than deescalating situations. You’re not fighting a war with an uniformed military, you are supposed to be keeping peace in the society and helping those in need. You’re suppose to be public servants not governmental death squads keeping people in line through fear.

If nothing else changes to the training of officers today in the United States, at the bare minimum officers of the law should have to wear cameras on their uniforms. We run off a system of checks and balances if someone with power goes unchecked they run amok, and form into something more abusive than helpful. This isn’t a new idea either history has shown this same situation played out time after time again, whether it be politicians or guys with guns who shoot indiscriminately like armed thugs.

The cameras will remind them to behave appropriately and force them to think about their actions before they carry out. On the flip side it’ll protect the good officers from unnecessary stress from the he said/she said games, we’ll take out the complete guess work out of potentially criminal cases with these officers. Of course thats a lot of money to spend initially outfitting everybody with recording devices, but our state governments and even our federal governments spend money on tons of other stupid shit.

So, lets invest in protecting ourselves and our rights there shouldn’t be a price tag for that.

Bob Ross, The Last Great American.

Bob Ross pictured on the left befriends a squirrel through his art.
Bob Ross pictured on the left befriends a squirrel through his art.

Bob motherfucking Ross is the man, the buddha, the jesus, the muhammad, the katy perry. He was the best qualities of all these people and more, he best represented humanity in a way that we should constantly strive for.

A lot of my friends say hey High Lord Philmon why are you so gay for Bob Ross, and before I send them to the lions for being disrespectful pieces of dog shit, I explain to them this…what isn’t to love?

#Newhair
#Newhair

First and foremost look at that hair
Look… as a man who has attempted and succeeded to grow an afro, my hair was never so big, so soulful, and so intimidatingly awesome. I’m positive Bob Ross was born with an afro intact. Rumor has it his mother was a virgin that was inseminated by the ghost of coolness, thus brought Bob Ross to this world.

He painted amazing landscapes seamlessly.

When was the last time you drawn anything worth while? If you are like most… the answer is probably never because your drawings sucked and your mom wanted to take it off the refrigerator so much but was afraid you’d ask about it, and she’d tell you that you were adopted or a mistake without thinking about it out of anger.


He has to be the reincarnation of buddha
That quote resonates within me and should resonate within you as well. How long have we spent thinking about all the places in life we have fallen short of, instead of moving on and seeing how to makes you grow in a different way you intended.

No regrets only life lessons bitches.

He served time in the military
Twenty years in the Air Force and retiring at the rank of Master Sergeant he knows how to deal with bullshit with a resilient attitude. For the tree hugging extreme left winged liberals who hate the armed forces, suck a dick these people have done more for this country than you’d ever do.Go eat some gluten-free asshole and talk about how you like listening to records on vinyl.

To bring my points to a close Bob Ross should be celebrated, his birthday should be a federal holiday and we should all dress up like him, walk the streets and have a massive orgy. Thats what he would want, to see love transpire into the physical plus I’m hitting a dry spell. His face should be craved into the side of Mt. Rushmore, even though South Dakota has a population of twelve. We should raise up a statue five hundred feet tall with one hand on a M4 another on a paint brush.