Great Gifts for shitty children!

It’s six am on christmas eve, you had forgotten you had kids up until this point. They had been barely keeping themselves alive with trashed scrapes of ramen noodles and plastic cups with left over beer from the massive kegger you had last night. You think to yourself how did I become such a cool parent? I’m never in my child’s lives. Then you realize you fucked up, you didn’t buy them any gifts for christmas.

While the only hope the children have of you are some kick ass gifts you think to yourself, man I don’t know these people at all. In fact you even start to question if these are your children since they are so ugly looking and gross. No worries they probably are, all children are gross and ugly looking despite how those commercials depict them.

Now what? You immediately log in your computer being careful to exit out of that midget porn you were watching last night. You get on wordpress and search hipsters…hipsters….hipsters on wheels! You remember suddenly that deviously handsome young man with biceps the size of the Sears Towers. “He must have advice for me somewhere” you think to yourself, yes…yes I do wanderer welcome to my blog. Here’s some good gift ideas for your shitty children.

A Pellet Gun!


Teach your children the most awesomest freedom of America, GUNS. Start them off slow with a pellet gun and work your way up to M107 Barrett .50 Sniper Rifle in one day. Use your neighbors pets & children as target practice, believe me no one cares for them. On the flip side if you don’t like your kids leave them alone in the park for awhile, maybe an hour at tops before an officer of the law to shoots your children dead!

A Funny T-Shirt!


This method will only work if you have two mistakes instead of just one. Have both mistakes wear this T-shirt and stand face to face to each other silently looking into each others eyes until they get it. Once they both realized they aren’t loved predictably they’ll cry since children are weak willed and are easily agitated, thats when you let them know they can be dropped off at a fire department at anytime no questions asked!

A Razor Blade!


Perfect gift for your emotional teenager who can’t seem to get it right, although this can be an acceptable gift for all ages. You’re going to want an individual that tumblrs so they can make sixteen thousands posts and upload a couple songs of spill canvas before they do the deed.
Nothing says I hate you and kill yourself better than a gifted razor blade!

A Hallmark Card!

Just a simple hallmark card don’t leave any money or any extra writing to it, leave it bare minimum ideally make sure you use the wrong gender for you children..i.e. daughter gets a “great son” gift card and your son gets “thanks for being a faggot” gift card. Good gifting since it teaches them right away in a slow matter the harsh realites in life, where nobody is seriously going to think of them that much when choosing a gift.


A great gift if they are stupid and still believe in Santa Clause, but an even better gift if they don’t. Imagine the face your young teenager will make looking at you questioning if he is experiencing reality, there you are sitting high and smug with your fresh pot of vodka you warmed up this morning. “Sorry son, looks like you’ve been a piece of shit this year as well!”

In conclusion these gifts above are cheap, relatively easy to obtain, and your children will love you for them. If you really don’t want to go out of your way to buy gifts this year, don’t. There is always next year and what does it matter, they’re probably sending you to nursing home anyway. Got to win when you can is what my father used to always say when he gave me these gifts, and did I become a better man? No. But thats besides the point.




Being first generation in America comes with its challenges on its own, being a first generation black man in this country is difficult. I never once identified with a culture, I’m some sort of hybrid between an Ethiopian, my skin color, and how I was raised which was neighborhoods of mostly caucasian individuals.

In all my life though I haven’t never forgotten I am black. Multiple instances in my life it had always came up in question. Whether it was me not fitting in stereotypical roles of a black man, or to me not being obviously welcomed in some places because the color of my skin.

Despite how much I want to separate myself from my physical appearance it always comes down to one thing, I’m black or I should say nigger. Totally non-human no name just a derogatory blanket term for all black people even though all of us individually greatly differ from one another. It doesn’t matter where you are from if you are a dark skinned individual you fall under this category as well.

Recent events have shown the true colors of some people in this nation and to turn around and say racism doesn’t exist is nonsense, we have made great strides since the start of the civil rights movement of course but we still have people hidden in the shadows on forums more than willing to call the President of The United States of America a dirty fucking nigger.

You don’t have to look far to see this type of behavior on popular sites like reddit & twitter you’ll see these sites bombarded with black hate, openly. At least reddit has some sort of anonymity to it (as if that makes it better) but on twitter people proudly claim the hatred for black people right next to their display picture as if saying “fuck you, I’m proud of my statement.”

The prime time to see this in action will be in February during of course black history month. Tons of people have to chip in with their two cents on how much they hate black people and how we should all go back to Africa. Comparisons to apes, the black jokes, to sometimes even violent crimes are just brought out. Does that make sense to you?

I’m not justifying the riots in Ferguson there’s no question in my mind that it was more destructive than good and served as a confirmation to people’s bias towards blacks, also I’m sure a good bit of the participates were in it for purely nefarious reasons. That doesn’t change the fact there is unrest within black America, and that was small expression of that. I rather have a riot like that than the many riots that happen after big sports wins which are completely trivial in comparison.

google it


I’m not looking for any apologist and nobody is or should be, you shouldn’t feel bad about being white, mexican, asian, green or orange.

We all live hard lives, we all die and get buried somewhere six feet under while worms eat at us. The only way we can ever move past this is we stop getting suckered into race and we shame the media for portraying it one way or another.

Bob Ross, The Last Great American.

Bob Ross pictured on the left befriends a squirrel through his art.
Bob Ross pictured on the left befriends a squirrel through his art.

Bob motherfucking Ross is the man, the buddha, the jesus, the muhammad, the katy perry. He was the best qualities of all these people and more, he best represented humanity in a way that we should constantly strive for.

A lot of my friends say hey High Lord Philmon why are you so gay for Bob Ross, and before I send them to the lions for being disrespectful pieces of dog shit, I explain to them this…what isn’t to love?


First and foremost look at that hair
Look… as a man who has attempted and succeeded to grow an afro, my hair was never so big, so soulful, and so intimidatingly awesome. I’m positive Bob Ross was born with an afro intact. Rumor has it his mother was a virgin that was inseminated by the ghost of coolness, thus brought Bob Ross to this world.

He painted amazing landscapes seamlessly.

When was the last time you drawn anything worth while? If you are like most… the answer is probably never because your drawings sucked and your mom wanted to take it off the refrigerator so much but was afraid you’d ask about it, and she’d tell you that you were adopted or a mistake without thinking about it out of anger.

He has to be the reincarnation of buddha
That quote resonates within me and should resonate within you as well. How long have we spent thinking about all the places in life we have fallen short of, instead of moving on and seeing how to makes you grow in a different way you intended.

No regrets only life lessons bitches.

He served time in the military
Twenty years in the Air Force and retiring at the rank of Master Sergeant he knows how to deal with bullshit with a resilient attitude. For the tree hugging extreme left winged liberals who hate the armed forces, suck a dick these people have done more for this country than you’d ever do.Go eat some gluten-free asshole and talk about how you like listening to records on vinyl.

To bring my points to a close Bob Ross should be celebrated, his birthday should be a federal holiday and we should all dress up like him, walk the streets and have a massive orgy. Thats what he would want, to see love transpire into the physical plus I’m hitting a dry spell. His face should be craved into the side of Mt. Rushmore, even though South Dakota has a population of twelve. We should raise up a statue five hundred feet tall with one hand on a M4 another on a paint brush.

Fat acceptance

What the fucking fuck.

Hello America, its your favorite allegedly black man and chances you are in love with me don’t worry we can date.

I haven’t wrote in a long time but this topic of interest compelled me so much that I felt the need to log on to my nearest computer to express my thoughts on a subject that isn’t brought out enough, I should say actually a point of view although I’m sure that many feel my sentiments in these next few sentences.

Fat acceptance is probably one of the most ridiculous movements I have ever heard in a long time, and let me get one thing clear it’s never right to treat people like shit based on looks. Although, equally its not fucking right to try to spread delusions such as fat can be healthy. Unless of course you don’t count heart disease, stroke, pregnancy issues, depression, sleep apnea, cholecystitis and many more. Trying to spread disinformation to make yourself feel better is doing a disservice fuck, injustice to the youth of America today.

Look I had been on both sides of the coin I had been fat as well, when I was younger I would find some sort of excuse for it like my metabolism was bad, that I was big boned, and various other bullshit excuses for me to escape my own reality. Truthfully, I was just fat and found physical activity undesirable so the next reasonable thing in my mind is that I go bulimic and lose the weight. I definitely lost tons of weight, I was also definitely not in a good place besides the fact that I was constantly tired still hungry and my mouth always tasted like vomit. Shortly after I gained all that weight back and more, how awesome right?

Then 2010 happened some major changes in my life occurred and I was actually forced to conduct physical activities. I lost the weight and felt better not only that but I had even began to start enjoying being physically active, a couple years later I started attending gyms and partaking in weight training fell in love & became addicted to the life style.

Nothing worth having is ever easy and life is never fair don’t expect to bend this outlook on “society” because you don’t want to change. Yes, you don’t owe it to anybody but you do owe it to yourself and if you can’t recognize that I fail to see how you do respect yourself. That might be just my issue but the fact of the matter is I have been on that side.

Notice in the image above the woman who posted that Facebook status called the two girls sluts immediately after noticing they themselves weren’t large girls. How is that not as judgmental as the treatment I hear so often on the other side of the bridge? The sad part is there’s thousands of examples of these circulating around the internet. If you want to be fat & proud thats okay go forth and be merry but don’t do that in expense of putting others down, all that shows is your own insecurities about yourself.

So now what?

If you’re still reading and this applies to you I have few places to start if you’re willing and you must be willing.

Set up goals… your goals should be non-cosmetic I find that when people typically want to work-out to look good they typically stop when they start looking better, and then they are back to where they started.

Ask, ask, ask… don’t be nervous to ask questions to people who obviously know what they are doing, and observe what other people are doing. To this day I still learn new ways to work out different muscle groups and new ways of thinking.

Don’t be afraid of looking stupid everybody looks stupid when they are whole heartily engaged in anything. Lose sense of yourself put on headphones and listen to some good music, or a podcast get yourself immersed in what you’re doing. Most of the time everybody else is too busy to pay attention to you.

Lastly as cliché as this sounds have fun with it nobody says it has to be shitty, do things you enjoy whether that is running, lifting, swimming, or biking just know you get out what you put in. If you put in half ass attempts you’ll get half ass results don’t cheat yourself when it hurts and it’ll pay dividends in the future.

J.Cole – Losing My Balance