Non – Gluten Consuming Assholes

Eating healthy is becoming a new norm in society today most will go out of their way to acquire items in a “Whole Foods Mart” versus a grocery store conveniently located nearby. Thats cool, I’m not judging I only really eat to live, and my standards for food is well…below most normal people. Recently, there has been a new bad man in the food industry now and its called gluten and if you didn’t know any better you’d believe it was a serial killer on the loose raping, pillaging local villages, and selling our loved ones to human traffickers.


The good news is the world has me I’m a near perfect-being I can say my ABCs backwards, I high five bears, and dwell too much time on social networks. My name is Philmon I’m here to save you, and if you are an attractive human lady take my number. I have a Sams Club membership I could support sixty children in bulk foods no big deal just your dreams realized.

What is Gluten?

This is a question that’s rarely answered because most people honestly don’t know. I’m not any different, I’ve heard of gluten for the first time in 2011 during a drunken conversation with my friend who stated he has to drink a particular type of beer because its “Gluten-Free” as he found out some time earlier that he is allergic. Around then gluten wasn’t as widely known as it is today fortunately we the modern day skynet google. The definition is as follows Gluten is a protein found in processed grains like wheat and barley.” Fun fact google the definition of gluten and listen to the pronunciation of the word, it almost sounds as smug as the people who avoid gluten for no particular reason other than its so bad.

Why should I avoid it?
Only real reason you should actively avoid gluten is if you are allergic, I’ve been doing some reading and there is people who are slightly sensitive to gluten as well. The only way to know is to get tested and hopefully it comes back positive so you could look super cool to all your peers. If you are truly concerned you are allergic and at every waking second you feel that you can succumb to an early gluten-related death, here’s a good website to look for more information.

Why shouldn’t I avoid it?

Any weird diet phase comes with its own pros and cons gluten free has its own as well, if you actually strictly follow a gluten free lifestyle which is pretty impressive considering how a large bulk of foods have gluten you are potentially avoiding out on a large amount of nutrients for your body. If your goal is to lose weight, best advice I can offer is start living a more active lifestyle. Weight-loss is not always a good thing, and weight-gain is not always a bad thing.

Why I believe most of this is bullshit.

Sometimes people forget businesses profit off of you, their real concern is to make a buck not your health. The whole organic idea is booming for them now it’s almost too easy to market something that nobody really knows about as terrible for you and sell items without that said product. This has been happening for years remember rbst hormone they’ve been putting in milk, and the push for buying only organic milk? Now every dairy product you’d see the following sentence “FDA finds no significant difference between rbst treated milk and untreated milk.” Yet, you still see RBST FREE slapped on everywhere as if it means anything. this is how sold us deodorant years ago, or made fathers day a thing the good people in marketing know what they are doing and they do it well. So before you jump off that cliff into that pool of cool remember to look into your lifestyle changes a little more. It’s your body you have it once, treat it right.

But wait you said I would look cool right?

Yes definitely its super hip at this time next to mom jeans most people will appreciate you and might even think of you as a peace-loving-creative-strong-intellectual when you show the world that you don’t fuck with gluten. Honestly, I’m a nobody don’t let my words effect how you manage your own daily life do what your heart pleases whether that be meth, cocaine, or a gluten free life!

Photo on 8-12-13 at 1.44 PM For as much shit I talk about gluten free products I’m a huge proponent of silk almond milk as it happens to be gluten free itself. Whatever, we are all hypocrites sometimes…


A few unwritten rules in the gym.

The gym can be a fantastic experience depending on who you are, exercise isn’t enjoyable at first. In fact sometimes it just isn’t enjoyable at all, but when you start seeing results you keep coming back. With more and more people choosing to live active lifestyles versus pounding beers and shoving burgers in their fat face, we have plenty of people just starting unsure what to do that wander the holy place of the gym.

Let me be the first to welcome you to this world and let me be the first one to tell you about the unwritten (sometimes are) rules of the gym that you should follow. Anything that I don’t touch base on you should just follow the guideline of “Don’t Be a Dick.” Fair enough?

Your average squat rack.

1.) People who use squat racks as a place to do curls or whatever fucked up thing you come up with in lieu of a squat.

Why is this important? Most traditional gyms have about maybe four squat racks at the most at least from my experience. So, Captain Dickface over here would mosey on over to the squat rack and start using the bar for curls when there is usually a plethora of bars around the gym that were meant for curling that you could use. Still not getting why this is important? Imagine this scenario you just got off from work you want a pretty good workout and have some time to cry yourself to sleep that day so lets say you have four to five hours to workout, shower, make dinner, and sleep. Plenty of time right? Wrong, because Captain Assmunch & his friends have been hogging all the squat racks for the past half hour doing curls and other dumb things these assfaces can perform. You realize you aren’t the only one waiting on these people so a good sizable amount of people are calling dibs to be next.

Like this but more sword less fist.

You should be punched repeatedly in the face with a sword.

2.) Let people work in with you.

If you are unfamiliar with the term of “work in” it is what it seems, let another enthusiastic gym goer work in your workout. You don’t really lose much time most normal people take breaks in between sets. You can alternate, sharing is caring people and all you have to do is ask “Would you mind if I work in with you, or do you want to work in with me?” Everybody wins!

3.) Don’t do six different workouts with six different dumbbells at once.

Remember what I said about “Don’t Be a Dick?” Prime example, you might have a couple identical sets of dumb-bells in a gym if you’re lucky. Sometimes you have to wait on a weight, no big deal its going to happen. This kind of fuckery though is unacceptable and I cannot see a reason for it. Finish your one workout and go on to the next, you aren’t center of the fucking universe yes, there are other human beings in “your world” that exist that might possibly need a weight that you are currently hogging because you just want to alternate between workouts. Fuck you, I hope you shit yourself at work today.

4.) Working out with others.

I love to jump in on someone else’s workout every once in awhile to get new ideas and constantly revitalizing my workout, so I don’t get a boring experience as I continue on. Conversation is okay, I’m fine with it I love to talk but don’t be so conservative that it prevents me from working out. I had a guy talk to me for about an hour straight about politics, this is my fault I kind of engaged him into it at first but then deeply regretted it as his mouth-hole kept moving and a throw up of words was like projectile sound missiles destroying my ear drums.

5.) Putting the weights back in the proper place.

You may have your mommy back home keeping your room clean and your stuff organized but theres no maid at the gym, be accountable for the equipment you use and put it back in its proper place. One of the easiest things to do yet one of the most abused, its not hard you most likely found it at said proper place just return it where you found it. No one should be searching all corners of the building just to find what they need, because someone decided to be a piece of sally sad shit and not do what we were taught as children… put back your toys.

Is there any exceptions to these rules?

Yes, if somehow you were the only alive human being in the building you could do whatever you want. Take your pants off, and do cartwheels for all I care. Otherwise no there is no exceptions to these rules.

For anything I didn’t cover because I know there is tons of small annoyances that happen daily, every minute, and second just follow the guideline of “Don’t Be a Dick.”

Above all remember people are nice generally if you are lost at something or aren’t sure what you’re doing you should ask questions. Plenty of people can guide you to what you need to know and you can help yourself to get where you want to be.

Next post: Non – Gluten Eating Assholes. (Smug generation)