Fort Sill Oklahoma.

Are you a newly minted member of the United States armed forces? Have you found yourself specifically in the Army or Marine Corp? Oh, you have orders to Lawton/Fort Sill, Oklahoma? C’mere bud, let me tell you a little bit about your next duty station. It’s absolutely amazing that the mere idea that there are human beings just like me and you living in Lawton/Fort Sill, Oklahoma. Alas, I have come from that area transcended from the human experience. Enlightened if you will, I have sage words of a traveling soldier who once lived the life you now live. There’s a good in everything you can think of in life. I want to stress this although I have a very cynical point of Oklahoma in general. This list will serve you as a guide for you first timers artillerymen/women. Do us proud, now this is the perfect time for me to segue into top ten reasons why your duty station is horrible.

 

10.) Suite life of Soup Sandwich living.

 

Barracks, your royal throne, they’re going to be kick ass. For an eighteen year old that is. They give the illusion of independence at a young age to anyone else above that they realize its free-range prison. If you’re lucky you’ll might get in good with one of the “formally” black mold infested room. Accompanied by one lamp, a desk, and a loaded revolver.  The amount of underage drinking, crying, and spending money on things you shouldn’t be able to buy, will hopefully consume most of your time. If not I recommend some violent video games to take up your time. Preferably Call of Duty tell your commander you have been battle drilling in between your sets of telling that five-year-old you fornicated with his mother. Lovely! Your room can and will be subjected to random search. I recommend you stock up on the blow up dolls, random sex toys to make your NCOs feel uncomfortable in your room. I’ve been a fan of hiding a random blue tooth-speaker throughout the room playing 100 hour Georgian chant playlist on YouTube on a low volume.

 

9.) Apartments/Housing.

If you want to get off post housing or an apartment because you’re a sensible person who doesn’t like the invasion of privacy. You have three options; you can get married to whomever is your high school/college sweetheart or imports. Or a more popular method just get married to the first thing you intercourse with. There hasn’t been any more of a stable relationship than that. Let me tell you, good idea to really not know who your partner is. That’s what marriage is for right? Despite my sarcasm and dull warning, you’ll fall into one of those categories. One more potentially more catastrophic than the next. Both equally bad decisions in their own right. Third option, maintain bachelor lifestyle when you are promoted to Staff Sergeant(E6) for the Army. Marine Corp should be the same don’t quote me on that. Airforce/Navy get out an housing allowance as an E4, that’s your first sign you joined the wrong branch. Don’t worry you’ll have a ton of time to reflect on that in your next three, four years.

 

 

8.) Strip clubs are a freak show.

 

Surprisingly, I haven’t been to a lot of strip clubs in my life as of yet. Typically speaking, I’m probably the profile of a guy who should be spending his life savings on Destiny right now. Although, I love money more than bare breasts and a sad story about rent being due.  That being said, I know a freak show when I see one. These are one of those few events you don’t have to be an expert to identify a train wreck.  Never in my life have I had to question why a toothless, pregnant stripper was on a pole until Lawton, Oklahoma happened. That’s only because, I’ve never had the thought of that ever occurring in real life before then. I mean, for the reader’s ok beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I am sure I’ll find pregnant girl attractive objectively one day. Whatever stops the hate mail, if not, hate mail is welcome to listverse.com. That’s just not what a typical eighteen-year-old boy wants to see. Can we agree on that or will I be highlighted on the next amateur blog calling for my head. The prices for those coveted private dances and amongst other things that was permissible in that Satan pit were like from discount sinning. (As a man with questionable Christian morals I like to use selective shunning to feel better about myself.)  Power of the dollar in Sidewiders strip club is set at 1861 inside the establishment.

 

7.) Texas Road House is probably going to be your favorite restaurant.

 

In Lawton, Oklahoma, it’s not that Texas Road house is necessarily better than any Texas Road House. It’s steaks and alcoholic drinks that I come for. Plus, Lawton gives you this post apocalypse feeling that other towns just can’t quite capture. Watching the past presidential campaign in the sweltering heat, flies a buzzing, the old man bartender still shining that same cup for the past hour. The old lady knitting clothes in the corner softly rambling about the prophecy is upon us. Seemingly nothing but Fleetwood mac plays on the speakers as you eat.  As you scramble through you 20-ounce T bone steak you began to appreciate what is around you. Although all of this is a bit of a stretch it’s the Midwest. Think Walmart customer, everywhere. That summarizes pretty much any daily interaction with anyone outside base.

 

6.) Fires Fitness Center is life.

In comparisons to most military gyms I have been through. Fires center has been the least occupied out of all my duty station gyms. I’ve been to three different posts, each one individually having four – to five gyms. Not a bad option to occupy your time in Oklahoma. There isn’t a ton you can do as you’re slowly finding out. A fun game to play is who is the new commissioned officer around the gym. Guy in full PTs on a Saturday? Private or New Officer?  Honestly best way around life in Oklahoma is treat it like a deployment. Self-improvement should be your only state in that glorious place.  Fires Center is also Fort Sill’s newest gym so you have the pleasure of working out with nice equipment.

 

5.) Scooters.

I want you to think top tier roof top bar and you’re just at that right type of faded. You exchange glances with a beautiful girl you’ve been eyeing and she’s responding back! You kick a little game, you get her laughing, flirting, and you’re feeling like the man of the hour. Now imagine a poorly lit bar the smell of stained carpeted beer stings your nostrils as you drown in coin beer night. That girl you were looking at? Meet Stacy recently transitioned…formerly known as Steven. Stacy used to play college ball before her PCP addiction, she’s still 6’6 and 265 pounds. She’s going to intercourse you. That’s what Scooters is metaphorically, not…literally of course.

 

4.) Avoid the Gunners Inn if you can.

I wouldn’t say it’s absolutely the worst dining facility I’ve been to, but, if you were to offer me an option between an MRE or Gunners Inn my answer may vary.  To put it in perspective Gunner’s Inn was the first time I experienced the taste of formaldehyde in a food. Specifically, turkey bacon, of course “real” bacon lovers will probably tell me that’s what I deserve. But the real atrocity is who messes that up?  Lines are always out the door if you’re the type that likes to sleep on your lunch breaks that’s some bad news for you. You might have to make use of that Shoppette that’s right before Sheridan gate on the north side. Don’t go in on Tuesdays their spaghetti sauce is just tomato flavored water. If that’s what you prefer I’m not stopping you, go live on.

 

3.) Central Mall Where dreams come to die.

 

Central mall in Lawton Oklahoma is the only mall nearby. OKC is an hour and half north of you with a decent sized mall or Wichita Falls in Texas which is an hour away. Long story short, welcome you’re far from any sort of decent civilization. A bit less than the sizes of the two Walmart supercenters located in opposite ends of Lawton. There isn’t much to it or to shop. They do have a movie theaters located within the mall with limited showings, perfect for a good old theater showing rub & tug, question your existence type of night. One pro about the Central Mall is that its parking lot is susceptible to sudden flash floods throughout the summer. Sorry, I meant con. You might have left your car in a parking spot in the morning but it will be someone’s canoe by the afternoon. During the summer the unpredictable weather will keep you on your toes!

That’s if you care, otherwise you have tons of great outdoors to explore. Mount Scott is a recommended hike, bring Stacy after a lunch date.

 

 

2.) Walmart is the real mall.

Walmart’s presence in Lawton, Oklahoma is strong. Like black girl independence strength. Two big supercenters on opposite ends of the city. Both unbelievably almost always busy. Few obvious ones will be holidays traditional or shopping related. Here you meet the true and proud citizens of Lawton, Oklahoma. Usually just creatures of the cracked-out night but they need food too, surprisingly you know…other than drugs. Wide range of wonderful personalities that totally work together in a cohesive friendly environment. That’s what you might hear a realtor say with a forced smile as they pressure you to sign. It’s not that bad though, it’s just you’ll get tired of it. “Let’s go to Walmart” becomes as much as activity snowboarding would be. Although way less exhilarating or worth-while just time consuming. Probably more akin to going off the “black” and just eating shit the entire way down, sort of fun but not really.

 

 

 

1.) Eat at Jimmy’s Egg.

 

If there is any reason at all for you to go to Oklahoma, you need to experience Jimmy’s Egg. Best breakfast joint in Lawton. Staff is friendly, attentive, and quick with absolutely delicious breakfast food. They’re only open to 2pm sadly…apparently, they’re non-believers in IHOP’s vision. Pancakes drunk as shit at 2 am, upset that Stacy didn’t come home with you. Before you start smelling like poor decisions be sure to hit Braum’s Ice Cream which their business model is around selling ice cream, fast food, and a grocery store. I know I’m not giving you much to look forward to but at the very least you aren’t in NTC…yet.

Advertisements

Ghosts

Every time I watch some sort of paranormal television show that slowly drains what little IQ I have on me; I always wonder…man are ghosts always dicks?

I mean whether you believe in a spiritual life or not you can’t refute in the way most experiences are depicted chairs get thrown, plates get broken, and they expose faulty steps in a stairway.

They’re always some time of degenerate asshole. That costs money, can’t you draw like a dick or something on the mirror? Or randomly play smooth jazz in rooms. I want my entire experience in life like I’m stuck-in-a-elevator type music.

I feel like if I were to haunt the living I’d be kind and courteous like toast peoples bread in the morning. Make a pot of joe, sing christmas carols and shit.

Enough is enough, its time we do something about these pricks. I don’t know where to start but picketing sounds like a good plan.

Seemingly the same people that confess to experience those paranormal encounters with spirits are also the same people starting at the sky for UFOs.

Convinced that every commercial jet that passes by is another.

In reality I made this post because as I was falling asleep, you know on my back one hand down my pants, other propping my head up since I still haven’t manage to buy a pillow. I felt something vividly grab my arm pit, strong ass grip too; so yeah that made me wide awake falling from cloud nine. I was convinced someone else was in the room with me as I searched frantically around with a flashlight apparently forgetting the use of fluorescent lights that hang above me.

whatever though.

#Dontjudgechallenge

Every once in awhile in the interwebz we are greeted with a new type of social trend/activity; such as planking, pointing out fake shoes, robbing banks with 1920s mobster attire, or my personal favorite the ice bucket challenge for ALS.

Let me expand on why that last one was my favorite. The whole point of the damn thing was to donate money for research on ALS, not to dump ice water on your head. Dumping ice water was the alternative to not donating money, yes but not everybody collectively dump ice water on yourselves. Lucky for me I have no friends so I had to never take part in that fuckery.

I’m sure everybody with ALS is happy with you screaming around for like ten seconds, and “challenging” your friends into doing the same dumb shit though. I’m ignoring the positive aspects of that challenge though, it’s my blog fuck you (it raised tons of money.)

Fuck that I'm broke.
Fuck that I’m broke.

My least favorite of the sort is the “don’t judge challenge” which is another outlet for narcissistic individuals to make themselves look ugly and then WALA they look better than they let on. Now it’s not really a thing for anyone old enough to know it’s pretty dumb, but the fact its a thing is kind of…interesting.

I mean really is this something you really going to promote? It’s not even pseudo-inspirational. I’ve had bigger, raging, inspirational boners off of those generic motivational posters you never seem to get away from.

Pretty sure that's a WWE wrestler.
Pretty sure that’s a WWE wrestler.

Anyone been to prison? Do they have motivational posters there? Please message me we need to get to the bottom of this.

The “don’t judge challenge” is kind of fucked up for ugly people, like…what are they suppose to do with the “after” picture? Just keep your hand on the camera, shut it off and call it a day? Change outfits?

I personally want to revise this challenge thing myself; instead of being superficial with your looks lets be a little bit juvenile here.
Ok, stay with me here…lets take pictures of the last dump we took with a side by side of a photo of our face in a model pose.

or better a still frame of the poop, and immediately flash into a video of the persons face doing “zoolander” like poses.

I would be so into that I mean not sexually, just into it.

I’ve always wondered what kind of dumps certain individuals take, I want to be surprised. I want a petite lady to take a shit made for a bear, and inversely a fat hairy guy with shit that resembles rabbit dung.

I feel like we would really benefit in society with that, it’s 2015. Get with the times you fucks.

You’re probably a douchebag, don’t worry I am too.

Through trials and scientific testing over the years I’ve come to the only logical conclusion of were all douche-bags. Each in our own special way, like snow flakes falling from the sky; before we melt on the ground with our special douchey flavour.

unique

Sure, theres certain varying levels but I can’t help but think aren’t we all just a little douchey at times?

Like how many instagram photos do you post online of yourself in your car? Douche nozzle. How many shirtless pics do you town of yourself? Douche-Town Pop you!

Hey girls, how many selfies do you take with quotes you quickly google searched in a effort to make yourself seem deep? Douche-Tits.

Who else does something semi good Samaritan like and immediately brag about it on a public forum?

I mean how else can you feel good about yourself amiright?

Everyone wants their ego stroked maybe not to extremes, but just a little…just the tip baby.

It’s cool though I’m not judging, recently I discovered I’m kind of a bad person. I accepted it, I moved on, and I’m better for it. Meaning that is I don’t feel that bad about being a piece of shit half the time. I definitely have no problem being a douche neither. Johnny Bravo was my hero, I’m self obsessed I know I’m not the most handsome but you’re goddamn right I’m spouting that bullshit.

You should too.

A lot of people are fine with making around life like Eeyore from Winnie-DA-Poo.

I guess I'll just die here.
I guess I’ll just die here.

But fuck that noise. Why not be Winnie? Or Trigger? Fucking, Winnie was an asshole just tearing about poor helpless bees homes to wane out his withdrawals on honey. Trigger is clearly on some awesome drugs he’s not sharing because he’s a jerk. Piglet is a bitch, I don’t know where you’re suppose to draw inspiration from that though.

Whatever F R E E D O M

^ also another thing I hate, why do you hipsters insist on spacing out letters you unartsy fucks.

On a unrelated note I think society is out growing my bias/beliefs/what the fuck is that? I just recently seen a video of a dude doing a killer impression of Beyoncè in fact, he was dressed as beyoncè, had tits like beyoncè, and pretty nice legs like her too. I had to close out the video, this life is getting too progressive for me. I’m shocked everyday by something new.

What spawned this blog site in the first place.

I post a lot of random, inconsistent, redundant blogs here a lot.

I realized at 01HR43MINs that I have no yet expelled the reasons behind the name hipsters on wheels. Well, the answer for this lies in a cave deep behind inscribed in ancient hebrew further encoded contents from the zodiac killer himself. Just kidding, I ride motorcycles or at least had.

598684_10151086294625205_446799762_n

That’s my bike! Black Mamba on the left, I love that bitch. I’ve been unkind although I didn’t take her overseas; wasn’t allowed to more or less. Even before that I waned down riding ever since I nearly offed myself running 100+ through a busy intersection.

Not on purpose though, I wasn’t attentive enough to decipher a green right arrow is not a green light.

The hipster part is just kind of a self-loathing insult to myself. I don’t think I fit the bill, which actually just validates me as a hipsters. I guess according to my age group hipsters don’t self identify like psychopaths. I accepted my faith, so now I guess that makes me… unhipster?

Check your flannel privileges you fucks.

DCIM100GOPRO
DCIM100GOPRO

I love riding though its a lively experience; the closest you can get on the connection between man and machine. Let alone that sports bikes are fast just being out and letting the wind hit your body unlike being stuck in the shell of a vehicle feels different. The first time I rode I practiced in a neighborhood just going twenty miles MPH and I felt like I was going fast then.
Screen Shot 2013-02-25 at 5.58.18 PM

The whole community of motorcycles is awesome. Everybody with a bike is automatically your friend, just like Tom from Myspace. Sometimes unwarranted, but hey you got a buddy to ride with.

Screen Shot 2013-02-24 at 4.36.43 PM

Then you’d get to a desolate area and just open up that throttle. It’s an experience everyone should have.

nightriding

Still a great experience without people if you’re more of a solo rider like myself, midnight rides were my favorite to cruise to. Felt like modern day meditation without the technical breathing. Be prepared to wave at kids who for some reason always feel the need to wave at riders, don’t be an asshole wave back.

I miss riding.

FRG’s and Bullshit

My daily interactions with strangers are often awkward at best, most often I’m referring to the forced small talk when another individual and yourself are in some sort of confide space of some sort.

It’s no secret that I’m the literal definition of gym rat; one thing I’ve noticed is the bigger I got the more times I ended up with conversations with random strangers. Not that I’m against it by any means, its just when I’m working out I tend to zone out consciously to my various playlists even one I affectionally named “fucking cunts.” Some times it’s just newbies interested in how to gain size or strength, I usually can’t provide them an answer other than hey just lift heavy y’know? Some times it’s when I’m working in with someone on the same machine.

In this case it was the latter. This takes place in the first few months I ended up unfortunately stationed in Korea. The gyms in here obviously don’t place any emphasis on leg strengthen days, so I was of course on the one squat rack sharing with another individual. Through various small-talk we discussed many superficial topics covering through all the bases of proper equitte when you’re forced to talk to someone. Mainly all the questions were directed at me and I gave proper responses so I shot back with if he was an Officer of some sort since he looked type. He responded back with he wasn’t in, and his wife was. Immediately I started to laugh at his face, now let me explain. It’s not that I have some sort of problem with women being the main bread winner, fuck I would love to have a sugar mama. Shit, if you’re fine with having spaghetti every night you can work your ass off I’ll just kick it at the house; but see my brain has this funny thing of taking a moment and building an intricate story immediately.

Now in military communities they have a program called FRG which stands for “Family Readiness Group” which bands military wives together to pass info down on deployed soldiers and their current needs. It’s a great program which enables families to be in the loop of their loved ones over seas, far too often in these programs the spouses tend to have a “hierarchy” based off their spouses rank. Far too often wives tossed their husbands rank around and demanded respect based off nothing they’ve earned. So, when he mentioned that he was actually a dependent himself it spun my head into thinking he was doing the same. Never got to explain that, he sort of just walked away from me when I started laughing. So many months after I still run into the same person and every once awhile he shoots a glare at me.

Sorry man, didn’t mean to offend you. Hopefully my blog becomes popular enough for you to know that.

Other than that I’ve been pretty busy bird these past couple of days so I haven’t been able to keep my promise since I suck. It’s okay though karma came back and I have a sunburn on my fucking forehead, as a black man I’m kind of ashamed of that. I should at least keep one pro of being black but looks like I don’t have that super power of sun ray resistance like I should.

Damn.

Distance & Social Media.

When I deployed in Afghanistan back in 2011 for my only “combat” (Arty guy in a major fob) deployment in my so far five year stint in the army, being nineteen years old and having friends who were 26+ I was expose to adult problems they faced back in the States. One of the most prevalent issues in military culture being marriage itself, its often a cluster fuck involving many children, almost always a horrible divorce, and former spouses winning the eighteen year lottery. So naturally, I was always a bit curious in what the older heads opinions were on at life. One day while working with my Battery Commander I had asked if him being away got easier with his wife the more deployments he had.

To paraphrase what he told me, which he said it doesn’t. I furthered inquired into his reasoning behind his answer and the way he explained it to me made sense. Any sort of relationship you have with a person whether being significant other, friend, or family is entirely based on things you experienced together. You never stop growing as a human being, you are constantly being shaped by your environment until the day you meet your end. So when you do come home it’s like you’re meeting a completely new individual.

Another analogy to this I believe that was said by Duncan Trussell during a podcast of the “Joe Rogan’s Experience.” (which is pretty good btw) Imagine that there’s two different sailing boats each with an azimuth that’s one degree off from the other. You could leave from the same port but over time you’ll end up in two completely different locations. Which I find also very true if you are slightly off on your azimuth during land navigation, which I found out the hard way during the STAR course in selection.

2012-01-27-Strip_175_Back_Home_webrelevant terminal lance comic

With each passing year I’ve been finding that more true than not, I’m sure this is a subject pretty much most twenty four year olds now experience. After school, who do you hang with? It eventually starts to boil down to those around you, who are most convenient to interact with. I think it’s a concept we need to embrace more, it forces change.

The more years that had come and gone the more I found this to be true, like I said before this encompasses everyone you ever know. Occasionally when I drop a leave packet to head back to my hometown you seem to notice it by increments, it came to a point where I can’t even recognize some of my own family. As melodramatic as that seems I think social media has added an interesting dimensions to this phenomena. You’re updated daily on the ongoings on people who had maybe a small blimp in your life, and it gets exhausting to see it strangely. I almost feel it violates the natural way of the passage of things, there’s just some you have to let go at a certain point.

It’s definitely one of the reasons why I want to move to a different state when I do come to my end of service date, I’ve spent a long time gone I’ve survived so far so what’s the point to coming back to what you were familiar with? One of my goals in this life is to find a center or a balance in perspective, I want to soak in experiences of new and different people.

Just live an interesting life I guess. Whatever that maybe, I’m ready for it though.